Struggling Oprah Unveils New Urban-Wizard Line of Books and Movies
Written by Rip Hoff de Brit Friday, 14 October 2011
Frustrated that Harry Potter writer J.K. Rowling has been challenging her role as the most successful and famous woman in the world (outside of Hollywood), and that her new Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN) has been struggling, Oprah announced that she will be introducing her own line of urban-wizard-based fiction in early 2012.
Oprah Winfrey's new book, Oprah's Gary Kotter and the Deadly Projects, details the life and trials of a young boy who must learn the art of voodoo, with the help of his two best friends, to defeat the evil Hag Rowlingmort. Any resemblance to the Harry Potter series is strictly a coincidence, notes Winfrey.
"If that pompous Brit can make a fortune telling whacked-out kiddie tales, you know I can do that," noted Winfrey. "And I'll do it better, with my own Oprah flair. I'm going to start the series with 'Oprah's Gary Kotter and the Deadly Projects,' which will take place in a mystical land called ChicagWarts, and feature all kinds of enchanted characters and witchery."
Winfrey plans to write the book and movie script at the same time, ensuring that her new franchise is as hastily put together as possible. The movie, when finished, will be exclusively shown on OWN, giving her audience of 456 people some original, non-Oprah-based programming.
According to a leaked copy of the first book's draft, young Gary Kotter, a hip but non-threatening African-American, learns that he is destined to be a voodoo master, just like his father, who was killed by the evil Hag Rowlingmort. Kotter must depend on his two best friends, Ron Ron, a former "spotter" for drug dealers turned good, and Permione, a cute but maturing daughter of a single-mother hairstylist, who may or may not someday become a love interest if the franchise takes off.
"This is going to do for inner-city youth what 'what's her face' did for funny-accented white kids: make a few of them a ton of money," added Winfrey. "Whoever gets to play Gary Kotter is gonna make some serious bank and be able to pick up a ton of girls after he hits puberty. Then I can return to my rightful place as 'Woman of the Year' in all the important magazines, besides O, of course, where I still win every year."