Hasbeen Announces New Line of Republican Candidate Toys
Written by Park Place Sunday, 25 March 2012
Hoping to cash in on the huge uptick in sales of its Etch-a-Sketch classic toy, thanks to its association with Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney, Hasbeen Toys is re-releasing several other new toys and games, each associated with a candidate for the Republican nomination.
Hasbeen is releasing a full line of Republican Candidate toys, including the already famous Mitt Romney Etch-a-Sketch, the Rick Santorum God Simon and the Newt Gingrich Rubik's Cube that's easier to disassemble and "cheat on."
According to Hasbeen, its stock surged 125 percent after one of Mitt Romney's key advisors likened his candidate to an Etch-a-Sketch, with the ability to erase and forget any previous position and start over with new ones with a simple upside-down shaking. Surprised and pleased with the ability of its toy to be used as a political prop, the toymaker is introducing additional new versions of older toys that it hopes to connect with each candidate.
For example, the Newt Gingrich Rubik's Cube will feature a very loose inner core, so if you aren't smart enough to actually solve the Cube, but want people to think you're really smart, you can "cheat on it" and easily disassemble the pieces and reassemble them to "solve" the puzzle and try and impress the really unintelligent people who think you're great.
The toy also comes with two free "upgrades," so when the original Cube becomes old, cracked and unattractive, the Newt Gingrich Rubik's Cube can be mailed in for a newer, more-attractive model, and the process can be repeated.
Another upcoming release is the Rick Santorum God Simon. In the original game you have to replay the exact pattern of four blinking colors that the computer first plays, but Bible Simon's panels instead feature colored representations of the New Testament, the Old Testament, the Catholic Pope and the 10 Commandments.
"I fully endorse God Simon," said Santorum in a press conference releasing his new toy, of which his political campaign will receive 10 percent of profits. "Religion is not something you interpret. You do whatever it says, to the letter, without thinking or compromising, and that's what God Simon is all about. If you do exactly what it says, all the time, you win. That's my life philosophy."
However, any woman wanting to purchase a Rick Santorum God Simon must first obtain permission from her husband, or if she's still forsaking God and not married yet, she can get a release from her priest or other approved religious leader. Gays and lesbians, of course, can't purchase the toy.
A fourth candidate toy is in the developmental stage, but Hasbeen executives are unsure if a possible Ron Paul toy has any relevancy whatsoever at this point. If they do proceed with a Ron Paul-affiliated product, some discussed options include a Stick in the Mud or an "Independent" toy that most people remember existing, but had little effect on their lives, like that Rubik's ripoff with colored chain links.
A toy almost certain to come to market soon is the classic Republican Barrel of Monkeys. Each monkey will have the face of one of the Republican candidates, and the winner will change almost weekly, depending on which part of the country the game is being played.
All of the re-released toys will have one thing in common: all taxes collected from the sales of the Republican Candidate line will be given to very wealthy Hasbeen investors or the U.S. military. No taxes will be allowed to be used toward programs for the poor or any other "socialist-style redistribution of wealth."