Sports

Goodell Clarifies New NFL Policy: No Suspensions for Beating Yourself

2015-01-30T00:20:25Z

Embattled NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell held a press conference to elaborate on a confusing portion of the league's new abuse policies.

"To be clear, it is definitely NOT OK to beat any other member of your family, or strangers or any other person or even animal," said Goodell. "But there will NOT be ANY suspensions or penalties levied for beating yourself. We had a lot of questions about that, as it's apparently highly practiced throughout our league. Although some religions, parents and others frown on the practice, it is not illegal in the NFL. You may or may not go blind, but taking that risk is up to the individual."

Goodell hopes the NFL can be a leading example for other sporting leagues and communities in specifying the difference between beating on others and beating on yourself.

"We're proud of our new policy and awareness campaign," added Goodell. "And this is an issue that pertains to women as well as men, as studies show that women are just as likely as men to 'beat themselves,' although the mechanics and terminology often are different."

New England Patriots and Denny's Partner on Anti-Tight-End Campaign

2013-06-30T21:39:33Z

Further sharpening their stances against tight ends, the NFL's New England Patriots and the Denny's breakfast franchise recently announced a partnership to co-promote their cause.

For its part, the Patriots have released a star player, Aaron Hernandez, a former tight end and current murder suspect, and are being evasive about the future of its other star tight end, the often-injured and more-often grabbing headlines for partying shirtless with strippers Rob Gronkowski.

"We've had nothing but trouble lately with tight ends," noted Patriots' coach Bill Belichick. "Sure, they were stars for us on the football field in recent years. But off the field, we obviously can't control them. So it's time to part ways with the whole concept of the tight end here in New England."

Belichick added that to make up for the lost receiving production, supermodel Gisele Bündchen will finally get her wish: fellow model, husband and Patriots' star quarterback Tom Brady will now be throwing as well as catching his own passes.

"We've designed several plays where Tom drops back, heaves the ball up into the air, runs downfield and then catches the ball," said Belichick. "The trick is that the ball has to deflect off of a defensive player first, so Tom's been working on skimming the ball of off defensive linemen's helmets. Like all things Patriots, we expect it to work really, really well."

On its end of the new partnership, Denny's will create a new breakfast platter, The Big End Slam, consisting of eight slices of bacon, three fried eggs and a scoop of ice cream with hot fudge on top. The chain also will continue all of its other practices that help its customers formulate gigantic posteriors.

"It's one of those great win, win partnerships," said Jumbo Cannes, vice president of marketing for Denny's. "The tight end is a rapidly dying breed in America, and we're just here to speed up the process."

Jordan Guarantees He'll Finish with More Rings than LeBron: 'I'll Get Married as Many Times as I Have To'

2013-04-15T23:10:54Z

Legendary basketball player and failed basketball executive and owner Michael Jordan, upon hearing of LeBron James' recent engagement to long-time girlfriend Savannah Brinson, insinuated that James was merely trying to upstage him after he had announced his own engagement to Cuban model Yvette Prieto.

"I see what he's up to," noted Jordan between $50,000 hands of blackjack at the Wynn Casino in Las Vegas. "He finally gets an NBA championship, and he's coming after me. He sees that I'm getting married, upping my ring total to eight, and he's trying to get his up to two to stay competitive. But it ain't happening. I'll get married as many times as it takes. He'll never have more rings than me, no matter what he does."

Asked to clarify his ring total, as Jordan currently owns six NBA championship rings and isn't likely to earn another in this lifetime, Jordan noted that wedding rings count, as they're at least as expensive as winning an NBA title or purchasing an entire NBA team.

"It's not the ring that's expensive, of course," admitted Jordan. "But the wife upkeep and divorce settlement ... NBA titles are way easier. LeBron will learn that, too."

Jordan believes LeBron is likely on his way to a second NBA championship this year, and with him soon getting married, may up his ring total to three under the "Jordan Ring Scoring System," but that will leave him far behind the former Chicago Bulls' guard's total.

"And if LeBron thinks I'll stop at eight, and he can get more rings than me, than he doesn't know anything about Michael Jordan," he added. "I'll do whatever it takes to remind everyone that I'm the greatest there ever was, at everything. And I'm not even going to mention future-wife hotness. Just check out the pictures on TMZ. Jordan wins, again."

NFL Owners Locking Out 'Greedy' Concession Workers who Demanded Reinstatement of Annual Holiday Party

2012-09-20T20:14:51Z

Citing the lack of controversy and ease with which they locked out their referees who asked for their retirement pension to remain active, NFL owners moved yesterday to lockout their entire workforce of concession workers who, according to one owner, "were getting greedy, too."

Among the soda and beer pourers demands was a reinstatement of a group holiday party in December, hosted by each owner and team. Owners are insisting that the once-common practice be dropped to save them five to 10 thousand dollars annually, depending on whether the party was "open bar" or not.

"Holiday parties, like pension plans, are a relic of the past," said NFL owner mouthpiece and league commissioner Roger Greedwell. "Who does that anymore?"

Greedwell admitted that NFL owners are making bajillions of dollars from their teams, but countered that because many sectors of the modern economy are suffering and demanding cutbacks from existing employees, the NFL owners should do the same on principle.

"Our owners need to stand united with the other owners of the world," continued Greedwell. "If other owners are reducing paychecks, cutting healthcare benefits and taking away things like pensions and holiday parties, then we need to do that as well as a sign of solidarity, regardless of whether we can afford it or not."

The union representing the concession workers, Football Universal Concession Citizens Union Servers (FUCCUS), noted that the average hourly wage of its employees is $7.50 an hour, they receive no benefits, and only have a job one day a week for less than half of the year.

"The annual holiday party was the one 'perk' most of these people had," said FUCCUS head William "Tiny" Leverage. "They got to meet a few of the players, get an autograph or two and get thanked for their countless hours of schlepping hot dogs and overpriced drinks to drunk and surly football fans. And now the owners are locking them out so they don't even have that any more. It's criminal."

Greedwell noted that locking out employees is one of the privileges of capitalism, and that the concession workers were lucky to have the jobs that they are now being locked out from.

"Thanking the common workers? Who does that anymore?" added Greedwell. "Thanking cheap labor is also a relic from the past. This isn't IBM from the 1970s. No one gives out gold watches any more. Well, except for the owners giving them to their trophy wives, but that's different. Those trophy wives worked very hard to get the plastic surgery that allowed them to marry a billionaire and get those gold watches. But I do admit that concessionaires have one resemblance to trophy wives: they can be replaced very easily. There are plenty of people waiting to take both of their spots, thus the lockout."

FUCCUS is asking its union members to be patient. They expect that the replacement peanut vendors will suck at the job, just like the replacement refs do, and that unruly fans will demand the NFL owners reinstate them with the holiday party intact.

"What's five grand to these owners?" added Tiny Leverage. "One golf weekend? Maybe 10 minutes at a blackjack table with Michael Jordan? A hooker or two? They're screwing over thousands of people over what they make in the time it took me to say 'hooker or two.'"

However, a sampling of NFL fans indicated that it may be a long waiting game for members of FUCCUS. When asked how replacement concessionaires might affect their NFL experience, one fan, Louie Foamfinger from New Jersey, stated: "Unless they can catch a screen pass and turn it into a 60-yard touchdown, I don't give a flying truck who hands me my beer. Go Giants!"

Following Basketball Playbook, Kentucky to become Two-Year College

2012-04-10T20:24:41Z

Inspired by the school's successful men's basketball program, which recently won the NCAA National Championship, the University of Kentucky announced that starting next year it will become a solely two-year college and will no longer offer four-year degrees of anything.

"What we learned from our basketball team is that two years is more than enough to prepare someone to make millions of dollars in the 'real world,'" said University Dean Dean University. "Heck, our most successful former students only needed one year at Kentucky to learn the tools of their trade and make a lot of money in the NBA. So any other student should easily be able to get what they need from Kentucky in two years or less."

Ditching what the university considers "antiquated labels," the common references of freshman, sophomore, junior and senior will be replaced by first-year students being called either "Lottery Picks" or "Borderline First Rounders," depending on their perceived aptitude at whatever they are studying. Any student who actually sees their second year at Kentucky will be called "Needed More Maturity" or "Benchwarming Scrub." It's believed that all "Benchwarming Scrubs" will be required to boost the overall GPA team average of the Lottery Picks, so that all athlete-students maintain their eligibility to win games and then move on to riches and glorious lifestyles.

Although the transition will be seamless for anyone on the Kentucky basketball team, the new degrees and titles will take some getting used to for more-traditional students. For example, Allen Sawchuk, this year a freshman studying for a four-year degree in Accounting, will next year be a "Needed More Maturity" in his two-year degree of "Giving and Receiving Change."

"I guess it will work out in the end," noted Sawchuk, proudly wearing his blue Kentucky basketball championship sweatshirt. "It looks like I only have to take two classes next year: 'Breaking a 50-Dollar Bill' and 'Pennies: Are They Underappreciated?' Then my counselor says I'll be more than ready for a successful, million-dollar-making career with my Kentucky training."

Sawchuk's counselor, Lottery Pick Anthony Davis, the upcoming No. 1 pick in the next NBA draft, noted that he was misheard by his fellow student.

"I said 'I'm' going to make millions of dollars after completing my one year at Kentucky's NBA Finishing School Program," noted Davis. "But maybe I can hire the short, slow-footed and doomed young man to be my official Change Maker for next year, when I'm out and about at all the fancy clubs and stuff. So maybe his future isn't as bleak as it seems. If every Kentucky NBA player, and there soon will be about 30, can just hire a few hundred fellow students to do meaningless odd jobs, this new program will be seen as a major success."

In related news, the University of Kentucky also declared that all sports programs besides basketball will be cancelled forever.

"We just don't have the athletes in the other sports to justify the expenses," noted University. "Our football players can barely catch after two years, with no chance at making millions in the NFL. So what's the point of them even being here, then? I mean, if you can't prepare yourself to be hugely successful in two years, that's your problem, not ours."

After making his announcement before reporters and the entire student body, there was some sense of disappointment and fear from those who will no longer be able to acquire the degrees they had hoped for. But Dean University ended his speech with a rousing, "Go Wildcats!!! Go Blue Nation!!!" The crowd of course cheered back enthusiastically and went home to contemplate what their upcoming degrees in "Big Styrofoam Hand Waving" and "Trying to Get on TV with Ashley Judd" will do for them.

NBA Lockout Continues, Now Entering 115th Day of No One Caring

2011-10-08T22:04:09Z

large versionThe long and relatively unnoticed saga of the NBA lockout stretched into its 115th day today, signaling the longest professional sports lockout completely ignored by Americans since the almost unremembered NHL lockout of 2004, which wiped out the season and devastated fans from Montreal to Vancouver while barely being noticed in the United States.

And with owners united in their stance that "no one would really care if we didn't play this year," it seems like an end to the almost-uncovered-by-the-press stalemate will continue into the foreseeable future, possibly repeating the situation that moved hockey into the recesses of the American sports psyche, right next to professional bowling, poker and rodeo.

"There's an NBA lockout?" questioned William H. Spacey, an accountant with Ernst & Young in Philadelphia, who remembers watching a couple of NBA playoff games last year. "Are you sure you're not talking about the NFL? Because that was terrible, but they ended that, and I've been watching every game on my satellite package. Go Eagles!"

In a poll released by NBA owners this week, it was found that 8 out of 10 Americans had no idea the NBA players were locked out, 1 in 10 were aware of the lockout but didn't care until their fantasy football season was over, and the remaining 1 in 10 asked "what's this NBA you speak of?"

Although NBA players are hoping to get a deal done to save the season, the few lockout-aware fans in several NBA cities are hoping the lockout remains throughout the season.

"I hope they never play again," said Mark Reuben, a geophysicist in Dallas. "That way, our Dallas Mavericks are the champions forever, and we don't have to ever give the trophy back. And with the way the Cowboys are playing again, it'll probably be the only championship this city sees for a while. I suppose the Texas Rangers could win, but they're in Arlington, and even those living in Dallas aren't sure if that's our team or Fort Worth's or if it's for the whole state. It doesn't have Dallas in the name, so we're not sure if we could even count it."

Also working against the NBA players is their willingness to play overseas this year, a move that may provide them with their much-needed child-support money and allow them to experience all the hot clubs in Europe, but would certainly further lower the NBA's consciousness in the minds of Americans.

"Kobe might play in Italy?" Spacey also asked when told of the potential contract Kobe Bryant was considering to play overseas. "I didn't even know the Lakers moved there. When did that happen?"

NBA owners are further bracing for an extended lockout, following in the NHL's lead and negotiating a TV contract with the Vs. network, should the major networks, as expected, drop the NBA from its broadcasts following a lockout year.

"Fortunately, we wouldn't be competing with their broadcasts of the Tour de France, which are in the summer, as we know we'd no longer be able to compete with those ratings. Those Europeans in tight shorts bring in a 2.1 rating or so, and that's more than we'd be expecting. But you should be able to find our games on tape-delay, right after the fishing shows in the morning."

Manning Suing NFL for Whiplash, Seeking Punitive Damages

2011-09-09T17:25:32Z

Indianapolis Colts' star quarterback Peyton Manning, a four-time league MVP and Super Bowl winner, announced that he is suing the NFL for "whiplash" and seeking punitive damages worth $200 million dollars for his "pain and suffering" related to the injury, which he claims happened when his team's kicker rear-ended his golf cart with another golf cart during a team practice.

"I was just sitting in my cart--you know, one of those little jobbies that us stars like to tool around in--when our liquored up, idiot kicker came barreling into my rear bumper," stated Manning in an official statement read by his lawyer, Slick Backedhair, an injury lawyer for the Indianapolis firm of Ambulance Chasers Incorporated. "And as soon as I got out to look at the damages and get his driver's license, I noticed that my neck started burning in intense pain. I could barely move my head, and then I started to lose feeling in my right arm--my throwing arm. I'm pretty sure I may have suffered some lower back trauma as well. I haven't been the same since."

Only weeks after signing a five-year, $90 million contract in July 2011, Manning was expecting to finish his career as the Colts quarterback, likely breaking most NFL records for his position. Now, according to his attorney, the Colts and fantasy football dorks the world over will likely be without the star product pitchman for the foreseeable future, and possibly into next year's fantasy drafts.

"My stock just tumbled," added Manning when reached by interviewers by phone. "I went from a second-round fantasy draft pick to almost untouchable. Do you know what that does to a guy's ego? I'm getting drafted after losers like Jay Cutler. Hell, even my brother Eli is going before me!"

In the lawsuit, Manning's attorney is seeking $15 million in lost wages for this season as well as the $200 million for lost commercial endorsements and Manning's inability to host Saturday Night Live or visit children's hospitals.

"It's like Peyton has nothing to live for anymore," noted Backedhair. "Sure, he has hundreds of millions in the bank, so this isn't about money. It's about 'quality of life,' and have you tried having a quality life when you can't tie your own shoes or try to casually check out some hottie walking past you? His whole life was taken away by this golf-cart-can't-drive-properly lunatic. It's a sad day for superstar quarterbacks the world over. What's next? Tom Brady having to date mildly beautiful women? We're beyond sad at Ambulance Chasers Incorporated."

Manning's new law firm also is expected to announce a class-action suit on the behalf of fantasy football dorks who drafted Manning this year, who didn't know of this massive whiplash injury until the day the football season started.

"We're just looking out for all the dorks out there who are crushed by this news, and may now have to start Kerry Collins or some guy named Kolb in their upcoming fictional games," added Backedhair. "There are millions of men, most of whom were already socially inept, who now have to endure endless taunting from their peers. It's a real crisis out there."

The class action is expected to total in the hundreds of millions of dollars, with each Manning owner hoping to receive $1.25 after legal fees are taken out of the settlement. Those owners seeking to join the class-action suit are being told to sign up at www.imafantasydorkwhopickedpeytonmanning.com.

Tiger, Clinton Congratulate Rory, Invite Him to D.C. Sex Party

2011-06-21T18:07:29Z

Minutes after trouncing the field at the 111th U.S. Open golf championship at the Congressional Country Club in Bethesda, Md., 22-year-old Rory McElroy received congratulatory phone calls from his idol, Tiger Woods, and former U.S. President Bill Clinton. Both Woods and Clinton praised McElroy for his record-breaking and thoroughly dominating performance before inviting him to a "hot-ass sex party" being held at a secret location in nearby Washington, D.C.

"That was a legendary, otherworldly performance," Clinton reportedly told the youngster from Northern Ireland. "You've clearly shown that you are one of the best golfers in history, just like my main man Tiger. So now let's see if you can swing your other club with the big boys, and get down her for the hottest damn sexhibition match you'll ever see."

Both Clinton and Woods offered to send a limousine that would take McElroy, who just set a U.S. Open record by finishing the tournament at 16 under par, to the ultra-high-rollers-only sex party where he would rub elbows, and likely penises, with such world-conquerors as Michael Jordan, Shaq, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, Jay Z and, of course, Clinton and Woods.

"You've seen 'Eyes Wide Shut', right?" asked Woods after McElroy appeared hesitant toward the offer. "Well it's way hotter than that. You can really get your funk on at these things, and only the best in the world get invited. And now you're on the list. Come on... You have no idea what a $5,000-an-hour hooker can do to a man."

As a special bonus, Woods also offered to set up his infamous "Tiger's Den," where he names the high-priced hookers after famous golf courses. Previous sex parties have features such "courses" as Bethpage Black, Torrey Pines and Olympia Fields. "But watch out for 'The Royal and Ancient,'" warned Woods. "I'm not sure you're ready for her."

Clinton was especially excited about the prospect of McElroy joining the sex party, often complaining that they need "some new blood." He also was hoping to have someone there who was whiter than he is naked.

"Everyone knows I'm 'The King' at these parties," noted Clinton. "Even LeBron calls me that. But there aren't a lot of super-pasty white dudes having at these ladies. Most of the other mega-celebs are either tan or black. We could use some Irish Spring at the fiesta. Mix that with his afro, and the hookers are gonna get real confused. I can't wait!"

According to sources, a grinning, trophy-holding McElroy sprinted to the golf course parking lot, searching for a mysterious and expensive-looking limo. However, 22 of his handlers, agents, swing coaches, fellow golfers and the entire executive team of the PGA Tour hogtied him and carried him back to his hotel room, where they locked the doors and windows and placed bodyguards armed with Tasers at every possible escape route.

"No way we're dealing with another sex scandal," said PGA Tour Commissioner Tim Finchem. "We now have our entire credibility and future riding on Rory McElroy. I'm not even going to let him near a Waffle House, in case he makes a move for a waitress there."

Reporters attempted to reach Woods and Clinton for comment later on that night, but repeated cell phone texts were answered with "Sorry, busy boning."

Kansas College Republicans Celebrate Kansas Loss, Screwing of Obama's Bracket

2011-05-02T18:38:39Z

When the final buzzer sounded, the atmosphere at the Kansas University College Republican headquarters was beyond exuberant. Dozens of sensibly dressed college students ran around in a delirious craze, screaming with excitement and giving each other high-fives and awkward, poorly timed jumping hugs.

"This is the best day of my life!" screamed Andrew Timmerman, a sophomore financing major at the school. "I can't believe it came down to Kansas, and we did it!!! We freaking did it!!! Yeahhh!!!!"

Popcorn flew in the air, and a ponytailed blonde named Cheryl Swain, a junior pre-law major, shook a can of Diet Sprite really, really hard and opened it, gleefully spraying her fellow republicans with sugar-free "lymon."

"Suck on that, you loser!" bellowed a jubilant Daniel Manning, a meticulously cropped senior accounting major born in Lawrence, Kansas. "You picked Kansas to win it all, and we lost!!! We just got creamed by a crappy little school called VCU!!! Ha! You idiot!!!!"

The unexpected celebration lasted for another 10 minutes after their school's basketball team, a No. 1 seed in the 2011 March Madness college basketball tournament and the choice of U.S. President Barack Obama to win it all, was humiliatingly defeated by 11th-seeded Virginia Commonwealth University (VCU).

Obama was doing well with his 2011 NCAA tournament bracket, at one point placing in the top 1 percent of all entries sent into ESPN. But after correctly selecting North Carolina to win two years ago, Obama faltered the last two years, both times predicting Kansas to win.

"I can't believe we blew it again! This is so awesome!!!" added Swain.

The College Republicans then began an "Obama Sucks! Kansas Lost!" chant that was vigorously joined by the entire contingent, several of whom were carrying signs with the "Obama Joker face" with "Lose! Kansas! Lose!" written on them. The mob began to leave its headquarters, the AV room at Grace Pearson Hall, and head for the streets of Lawrence to celebrate with their fellow students.

However, the situation was controlled when Kansas College Republican President C.T. Partee reminded his fellow Kansas students of the ass whipping they received last year from the football team, which apparently didn't realize how much more important it was that Obama not win at anything.

Team to Saints' Fans: Don't become Louisiassholes

2010-04-06T05:41:56Z

New Orleans Saints' officials pleaded with its fan base to "not be like this guy," who had moments before tattooed the Saints logo on his balls.

After defeating the Indianapolis Colts 31-17 in Super Bowl XLIV, the New Orleans Saints and their energized fan base took to the streets of their beleaguered city for some well-deserved celebrations.

But after the team's victory parade, when they showed off their new trophy to their adoring fans, team ownership and management had some cautious words for their fans.

"Please, please don't become so obnoxious with our success that the rest of the country learns to hate us," warned team owner Tom Benson. "You may not remember this, but it wasn't that long ago that the country was really happy for the out-of-nowhere Tom Brady and the New England Patriots. We were all relieved when the Red Sox ended the Curse of the Bambino and won the World Series.

"But their fans reacted to success to poorly, they're all know as Massholes now," he noted. "Don't let that happen to us. Don't become Louisiassholes."

Head coach Sean Payton then assured the crowd that star quarterback Drew Brees was prohibited from appearing in more than one commercial at a time, and under no circumstances would they involve any type of cookie or Donald Trump. He also insisted that supermodels be forbidden from training camp, and Terrell Owens would be given a restraining order from even mentioning playing for the Saints.

"So just use some restraint out there," added Payton. "If two knuckleheads are arguing whether Brady or Manning is the best quarterback, don't scream 'Brees would kick both of their asses' or 'who won the Super Bowl, bitch?!' Drew knows he won. You know he's good. So just say 'Both Brady and Manning are excellent. Good luck next year.'"

"Remember," added New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin, "the country felt sorry for us and was happy we won. But as crazy as this sounds, they think we're even now for Hurricane Katrina. They figure one big football game evens out the karma of all the death and destruction and misery of that disaster.

"We act like Colts or Cowboys or Pats fans, and they'll hate us too. It's just how it is," he concluded.

Naturally, 95 percent of the fans in attendance immediately proceeded to yell obscenities at the mere mention of the other sports teams, as a chant of "Saints Rule! Manning Sucks!" erupted across the city.

Tiger Woods Signs New Endorsement Deals

2010-04-05T05:49:45Z

Tiger Woods may be a great driver on the golf course, but his bad driving on the road forced the superstar to confess his less than faithful ways, wrecking his marriage and prompting many of his sponsors to drop him like a toxic asset. You won't see Tiger driving a Buick or shaving with a Gillette Fusion razor on T.V. anymore. And Tiger has given Nike's "Just Do It" slogan a whole new meaning. Tiger "Just Did It." A lot. But, you can't keep a good man down, apparently, and now Tiger has several lucrative new endorsement deals either in the works or already in his golf bag of tricks, so to speak.

Legendary condom manufacturer Trojan has signed Tiger to a seven year, fifty million condom endorsement contract. Trojan director of marketing Willie Raincoat says that Tiger is a "perfect fit for our product. We are going to feature a new line of sized condoms, the one, two, and three Woods. Tiger's face will appear on all of our products and packaging, and we will tee off our campaign with full page ads in Hustler and Playboy magazines."

Also trying to cash in on Woods admission as a sex addict are several pharmaceutical companies planning to market patches to curb the sex drive. There will be sex patches for men and women, and they will be worn, well, we bet you can guess where they will be worn. Woods is about to sign a deal with a new golf ball manufacturer, Cojones. Their ad campaign will feature the slogan, "You gotta have Cojones to be a player like Tiger!" Snack food giant Frito Lay is going to introduce a new cheese crisp product, which will be shaped like little putters and sold under the brand name "CHEATOS."

All of those obnoxious fans who would shout, "Get in the hole!" when Tiger putted are looking pretty prophetic now. Tiger may be taking an unspecified break from the PGA Tour, but not from raking in obscene amounts of endorsement money.

Unknown Hockey Mom Chosen to Run Concession Stand

2008-11-11T21:18:23Z

Longtime Steamboat Sailor Hockey Club President Mike Kane made a controversial, "mavericky" choice to run the rink's concession stand this year, selecting Paul Lynn's mother, Angela, to be in charge of the confection area at Sailor hockey games this year.

Lynn is only in his first year as a team member, and a lot of the kids don't really know him or his mother. The choice to be the "second in command" of concessions was greeted by sneers and cheers when announced between the first and second period of the recent pre-season match-up against the Vail Vomits.

One of the players, longtime defenseman Otto Corners, was furious. "My mom has been to every game, believes in hockey and knows her Skittles from her Reese's Pieces," he fumed. "He just picked her because she's relatively hot--for an old mom-type lady."

Kane strongly defended his choice. "When you get to know Paul Lynn's mother, you will be impressed. She was an assistant fundraiser for her son's team in Hawaii last year, and they raised over $315 for pucks. She's a real tough cookie. She will clean up the stand, and I think having an outsider is just what we need right now. "

Paul Lynn's mother wouldn't comment on the situation, saying only that she refuses to speak to anyone with a media filter. Her son meanwhile was trying to deflect all the attention he was getting. "It's hard. I'm simply trying to play hockey, and the players keep asking me if she's going to put pineapples in the walking tacos."

"I want to see what she says when I ask for change for a hundred," noted Francine Sitter, whose son plays offense and defense for the team. "Because sometimes we all need change, and I want to know how she would provide change. Would it be with five $20 bills or a whole lot of singles? What's her policy on change?"

Other team members could not remember a more controversial choice since former club President Herbert Push chose a dad named Dan Partridge to run the stand. Few could forget the trouble he ran into when he tried to introduce potatoes to the menu and, instead, tragically fried tomatoes.

Crazy River Dog Champ Tests Positive for High Testosterone, Blames Snausages

2006-12-16T04:00:01Z

Scraps, the surprise winner of the 2006 River Dog Championship held in the Yampa River's "P" hole, has tested positive for elevated levels of testosterone, and he has been stripped of his championship collar and collapsible doggy dish prize.

The failed test sample was taken after a dominating performance by Scraps during which he retrieved the Dunkel, a retrieving toy that the competitors refer to as "the funny thing that I just have to have in my mouth right now and bring back super-duper quick to my food supplier," in a Championship record time of 4.2 seconds.

"Yeah, we couldn't believe that time when he posted it," barked Chopster, the runner-up in the event who will likely be named the new champion. "Don't get me wrong, I was happy for the guy--shoot, I'm happy for everybody at all times, just look at my tail--but that time seemed a little too good."

In his first interview after the announcement of the failed test, Scraps proclaimed his innocence and vowed to vigorously defend his title and good name.

"I just can't believe this. I'm shocked," added Scraps, with a sad puppy-wuppy face. "I just don't understand how I could have tested for high levels of testosterone. I don't even have balls."

The scientists who administered the field test of the sample admitted that they weren't sure how a dog with no testicles, who had been castrated shortly after birth, could test positive for elevated testosterone levels. They noted, however, that rules are rules, and that the test was clearly positive.

"The 'No Testicles' defense has been tried before, and it just doesn't carry any weight with us," noted Chase Peeingdogs, a longtime canine pissologist. "We take this event very seriously, and no dog, balls or not, is allowed to enhance his abilities artificially."

A second "B" sample is currently being tested, but it's expected to confirm the earlier result.

"I'm innocent, I swear," insisted Scraps. "If the 'B' sample does come up positive, then it must've been from something I ate. I did chow on some Snausages before the event that tasted a little funny. Perhaps they were loaded with horse testosterone or whatever yummy substance they put in those things. Or maybe one of my competitors--I'm not going to name any names, Chopster--put something in my bowl to get me disqualified.

"I just want to say to all my fans, and my family, who have supported me all the way, that I snagged that Dunkel all on my own. It was nothing more than hard work and a great set of flippers that allowed me to track it down so fast. This isn't the last you've heard of Scraps," he announced as he went back to his owner, who proceeded to drive Scraps to the humane shelter where he was put to sleep for being a potential menace to society.