"It blew me away to realize we were so behind the times," said BSA Membership Chairman Craven Morehead. "The bottom line is we've got to stop going down the same old dirt road. If we look beyond our own backyard, maybe we can change our luck and attract new members." To that end, BSA hired corporate makeover consultant Richard Lavender to rebrand the Boy Scouts for the 21st Century.

Lavender addressed a crowd outside a Dairy Queen in Grapevine. "We are going to flip the scouting world back to front, switching everything around. We have already laid the groundwork for our new merit badges: fashion design, wedding planning, interior decorating and basket weaving. These sweeping changes will have a daisy-chain effect, attracting gay scouts from around the world."

"We have also come out with great new ideas for camping trips," added Lavender. "Viewing wildlife like bears and otters in their natural habitat. Roasting corn on the cob by a flaming campfire. I even saved a case of Hostess Twinkies for our first outing."

"But the change I am most excited about is the new Boy Scout uniform!" squealed Lavender. "A sleeveless Armani shirt with contrasting lapels and a wing collar in faded plum with a leather belt/shoulder strap by Coach, accented by a Marc Jacobs kerchief in mustard and silver kerchief clasp by Tiffany. A black satin merit-badge sash by Hermes, Bermuda short shorts by Zara in pumpkin with contrasting cuffs, knee-length socks by United Colors of Benetton in emerald and mid-calf boots by Dolce & Gabanna. To top it off, an Alexander McQueen hat shaped like a miniature camping tent! Imagine that in your closet!"

Some opponents said they would pull out of the new Scouts, leaving some troops and packs without backers. "This whole gay thing is hard to swallow," said Barry McCockiner, a scoutmaster from French Lick, Indiana. "These people just want to ram their deviant lifestyle down our throats. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth."

Recently there has been talk of lifting the ban on women in combat. The Pirate interviewed people on the street, both military and civilian, to see what they think.

Women in combat: What do you think?

"It could possibly bring in more business for our business, so we're for it, I guess."

"I could see there being a rise in necrophilia amongst our fine young men. We can't tempt them; they must stay focused. I am against it."

"I adamantly oppose this motion. I repeat, adamantly oppose this motion! If we send all of our assault weapons abroad, who's gonna be here?"

"We already can't tell if those broads are bros anyway, you know. What's the difference? Don't ask, can't tell. Give 'em a gun, and pat 'em on the ass on the way out the door."

"We should totally let chicks in the military. I have this rock-solid battle plan where we send them all out together during their 'time of the month,' and then those vampire-shark-terrorist people will smell them and come, and they'll be like, 'Oh no you din't! You have no idea how bad my PMS is.' And then they'll just get all unreasonable and emotional and probably kill them all. That's a rock-solid plan. Let's do it!"

INTERNET POLL RESULTS

FOR..........................................53% 

• You ladies asked for it; there's not a draft you know. Now pull your 'big-girl panties' on and get out there..........................................15%
• Sick of hearing women bitch. Let's give 'em something to cry about..................................................................................................18%
•  Women can do anything a man can do AND give birth. Try us! .......................................................................................................20%

AGAINST...................................38%

• Women belong in the kitchen............................................................................................................................................................10%
• No way. They are weak and will make us look like pussies..................................................................................................................17%
• The rise in cost of feminine-protection items in the battlefield could be detrimental to both the economy and our environment......11%

.
DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS............9%

• I don't care because I'm not in the military...........................................................................................................................................4% 
• Other bullshit reasons people don't care...............................................................................................................................................5%

"I'm just being realistic," said the Republican candidate for President. "We can't afford government handouts like school-lunch programs when the budget is as tight as it is. You have to make some hard choices. Corporate America, our country's job creator, is hurting. These engines of our great economy depend on huge government tax deductions, loopholes, low-cost government loans, government farm subsidies, and other necessary policies. That's the way it's always been. It's part of their business plan!

"In fact, Corporate America is the real victim here--always has been," continued Romney. "Corporate America created millions of jobs, and some of them are even here in the United States! Take General Electric, for example. They made $14.2 billion in profits last year. What thanks did GE get for their success? The government slapped them with a whopping 3% income tax! Plus safety regulations! Design standards! Minimum wage and labor laws, you name it!"

Romney began visibly weeping as the topic clearly touched into an area that's truly important to him.

"Why punish the successful with crippling taxes and regulations? The government is taxing our nation's job creators to death! How can companies like GE survive in this hostile economic environment?"

After a brief pause to gather himself, Romney looked into the audience, his gaze finally setting on some construction workers who were building a school nearby.

"If anyone needs to be punished with higher taxes, it's the slackers and losers of this country," he continued, possibly pointing at the people who were working on a Sunday to build something with their own hands. "People who earn so little, all their taxes are taken out of their paychecks. They are so lazy they don't even have a tax bracket! Teachers. Policemen. Firefighters. College students. Retired people. Laborers. Minimum-wage workers. Those aren't the Americans I know!

Looking pleased with himself, Romney closed his prepared speech with the following:

"America's responsibility is not to care for these leeches who refuse to earn enough to even have a tax rate! No, America's responsibility is to cultivate its most precious resource: capitalism. And big business is capitalism at its best! Big business is entitled to the abolishment of these socialist taxes and regulations! The government should give it to them!

"Now if my accountants find me a tax deduction, I think I'm entitled to keep that hard-earned money in any offshore account I please! Caymans, Channel Islands, Luxembourg, Switzerland, wherever! Vote for me and take America back!"

The crowd at the Bank of Albuquerque Tower was mixed, with many vocal supporters from both camps. "I'm voting for Romney," said 78-year-old Barb Wire. "Obama wants to get the government involved in everything. That scares me. Romney will protect me, and keep the government's hands off my Medicare and Social Security."

"Because the USA Pro Cycling Challenge isn't returning this year, people feel that going back to 'Bike Town, U.S.A.' makes us look like poseurs," said Marketing Director Sara Givjaschitz. "We want to refute the notion that, between the snow and the population demographics, this is whitest town in North America. Heck, we only got 160.5 inches last season.

"Just look at all the ethnic restaurants we have available here,"  Givjaschitz stated as an example of Steamboat's diversity. "We've got Chinese, Mexican, Vietnamese, Mexican, Thai, Mexican, Japanese, Tex-Mex, Italian, Mexican. The list just goes on and on."

When asked about the authenticity of the Chamber's claim, given that 98.1 percent of Steamboat's population is white, Givjaschitz replied, "Well, there's been all this talk about the 1 percent. We've got 1.9 percent, so I think that's way ahead of the game."

"Squatches aren't known to drive Subarus," noted James "Bobo" Fay, collector of anecdotal lore for Finding Bigfoot. "But they do appreciate all-wheel drive."

Hand-picked for the mission, a group of local hunters led the research team and camera crew deep into national forest Wednesday morning. The suspected Squatches were believed to have migrated from California into the Western Slope, fleeing habitat encroachment on the coast.

"We followed a knocking sound about five miles into the wilderness northeast of Clark," relayed one hunter. "As the noise got louder, the Finding Bigfoot team got really excited, because an increasingly rank smell started to waft over us. I guess Squatches are said to be associated with a pervasive odor. But the closer we got, the more we were able to tell that the stench was laced with patchouli and marijuana."

Stumbling across a small clearing and a Big Agnes tent, the expedition discovered that the suspected Yeti was just a really dirty hippie. The knocking sound was identified as an errant hula hoop repeatedly striking the nearby pines.

The hippie identified himself as as Jethro RainbowWarrior, a fire dancer from California camping on National Forest land. "I was in town to pick up some Dr. Bronner's when I saw the reports of the Sasquatch sightings in the Pirate and realized that it was actually me. I meant to call in to identify myself on my next town trip."

Said Ranae Holland, scientist for the team, "At least we know our California migration theory still stands."

Campaign spokesman Eytok Slot, while acknowledging the tough job ahead, stated: "By being unopposed in the all the last contests, we're hoping we can build the kind of momentum that will keep voters from selecting people who aren't running."

It has been a long and tumultuous primary season, with Mitt Romney launching his 2012 bid on Nov. 5, 2008. His frontrunner status was challenged many times.

Early on, former governors Sarah Palin and Mike Huckabee as well as birther celebrity Donald Trump, none of whom formally announced their candidacy, constantly challenged him. By spring 2011, the field had grown and become more contentious with one Not Romney after another rising and then falling in the GOP rank and file's favor.

First, after winning the Ames, Iowa, straw poll, Batshit Crazy Not Romney surged far ahead of the presumptive nominee in most national polls. And then when she was taken seriously as a contender, and people actually began to listen to what she was saying, she dropped just as dramatically. Batshit suspended her campaign after finishing a humiliating sixth out of six in caucuses with the same Iowa voters.

Next, Guv Hick Not Romney caught the rights' fancy upon joining the semi-weekly debates in fall 2011. Again, this candidate was undone by his newfound popularity as people began watching his attempts to have a complete thought and speak.

After Guv Hick's fall, Lothario Not Romney quickly took his turn as the Not Romney of choice. He was unable to shake sexual allegations that arose (it's rumored that the 1989 film "Loverboy" was based on his early career with Godfather's Pizza), and Lothario withdrew from the race before the first vote was cast. Guv Hick and I'm Mormon But Not Romney both left the race after the New Hampshire Primary.
     
After New Hampshire, Hasbeen Not Romney was able to galvanize conservative voters by remaining in the race and being Not Romney. He defeated Romney in South Carolina during this time, as well as winning in his home state of Georgia. His star quickly faded, however, after Hasbeen unveiled his plans for space colonization. He had limped along since that time before "mothballing" his campaign on May 2, 2012.
     
Finally, He-Man Woman-Hater Not Romney surged ahead in polls and some caucuses and primaries. But his rise was unsustainable as it became apparent that women actually represent half of voters and were not receptive of his regressive views. He-Man suspended his campaign on April 10, 2012, after losing in Wisconsin a week earlier.

Through shrewd maneuvering, Anarchist Not Romney was never able to mount a serious challenge to the inevitable nominee and therefore has remained in the race for the Republican nomination. Although it's worth noting that in Virginia, when Anarchist was the only Not Romney candidate, he did garner 40 percent of the vote. He currently has 96 bound delegates and is pursuing more in state conventions, while suspending his campaign in states that have yet to hold their primaries.
     
After Romney's win in the Texas Primary, Republican National Committee Chair Reince Priebus declared him the presumptive nominee, hoping to "if not solidify, at least coagulate some support for Romney before the National Convention."

It has been reported that the Romney camp now is looking solidly at the general election. With an eye toward November, spokesman Slot said, "We hope to gain more support among the general population as Election Day draws closer and we introduce the eventual nominee to them. Because, above all else, Mitt Romney is Not Obama."
 

"I bought my tickets in advance on my iPhone app," said Justin Tyme, a sophomore at Steamboat Springs High School. "When I went to the theater to pick them up, there was this angry mob at the ticket window. The ticket seller said there was only one ticket left, and that's when it started. First the kids just did the usual stuff, like, you know, sending nasty text messages. Then, they started to pull out knives, swords, clubs, spears, and bows and arrows. It was crazy, for a second I thought I was at a hockey game."

The lone survivor, Barb Hooks, rose from the pile of bloody corpses, grabbed her ticket and ran immediately into the dark theater to watch the film. As the crowd poured out of the building, Miss Hooks proudly held her ticket high for all to see. "I have brought honor to the Junior Class of 2013," said a tearful Hooks. "My classmates all friended me on Facebook. The movie was pretty cool, too."

"A corrupt global banking system puts profits before people," agreed Penny Lane, a fellow activist. "Ski Howme, take down your bike!"

Ski Howme owners seemed confused by the occupation, contending that they are neither greedy nor corporate. They also noted that the bike has been down for months now.

"That's the power of the people!" exclaimed Lane, upon hearing that the bike was taken down. "They're bowing under our pressure."

"Ummm ... we took the bike down because we're on to ski season," countered Ski Howme owner Mark Tele. "This is the first I heard of any 'demands' from these people. And how did they not notice that the huge crane wasn't there any more?

"Oh, well ... Steamboat's a small town, I guess," admitted Tele. "There aren't a lot of the usual capitalist heavyweights to get fired up against. I suppose we should be flattered."

At press time, the Occupy Ski Howme movement continues to expand. Several protesters are anxiously awaiting the opening of the new WalSheens franchise across from Ski Howme, which is expected to be a better-understood location for financial protest.

Others are just showing up to see what the commotion is all about. Said one local newcomer to the crowd, "I thought it was a free concert."

A former diner, who declined to identify himself, concurs. "I was going stir-crazy from mud season, so I headed to the bar at one of my favorite restaurants last Saturday night for old time's sake. I went to the bathroom and lifted up the spare roll of toilet paper from the toilet tank in the back stall, but when there was no line there, it just wasn't the same."

Another anonymous local business owner noted a 40 percent decrease in worker productivity. "Guests are waiting longer for drinks and food, and my waitstaff are missing little things, details that they normally wouldn't let slide."

Although the sudden shift from cocaine abundance to shortage is being blamed in part on La Niña, whose monsoons caused mudslides and the subsequent collapse of tunnels along much of the U.S./Mexico border, the larger blame rests with the bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms (ATF).

ATF is claiming victory for "cocainewalking," a small offshoot of the Fast & Furious gunwalking program that came under fire earlier in 2011. In "cocainewalking," agents allowed tainted cocaine to circulate back to Central and South American drug lords, who believed it was product seized from a competitor.

After trying their competitor's supposed product, many of the drug lords died from poisoning. Without their top leadership, productivity of many cartels is down this year, resulting in the unavailability of cocaine here in Steamboat Springs. ATF is touting "cocainewalking" as a major victory and vindication of the entire Fast and Furious operation.

The sentiment of local business owners in Steamboat Springs was summed up by yet another anonymous owner: "This unwinnable war on drugs is hurting us all."
 

"Oh boy, oh boy, I'm so glad you came to play today," giggled Barney to an assembly of loyal constituents.

As the week went on, and the Barney campaign gained momentum, the polka-dotted dinosaur dominated the most recent Republican debate. Clearly articulating his plan for economic recovery, "1-2-3," Barney explained, "It's as easy as A-B-C."

Although he was widely touted as injecting a high level of intellect and critical thinking into the debate, the real coup de grâce came when Barney brought compassion back to the party, as he led an auditorium-wide sing-a-long of his signature song. The audience, minutes before cheering the deaths of those without healthcare, turned abruptly to singing, "I love you, you love me, we're a happy GOP."

However, to retain the Tea Party constituency, compassion did have to make some concessions. The lead-in quote on the campaign Web site now reads, "I love you, except for gays, liberals and Obama."

Steve Doochey, the co-host of Fox & Friends, summed up the thinking of most Republicans backing the Barney campaign, "Thank God we don't have to choose between a Mormon and a black man anymore."

The award was created based on the theory that bums use newspapers to clean car windows at intersections for money. With the 9,000 copies of the Pirate and Yesterday littering the streets, the award, according to those who created it and gave it to themselves, was a "no-brainer."

Staff writer Wine Jackstein was overheard saying, "Who reads this crap? It's good for picking up doggy piles and cleaning windows, and only barely at that." After Jackstein was fired and sent out into the streets, he was spotted using copies of the Pirate and Yesterday to clean motorist's windows on the corner of 7th and Lincoln.

In a ceremony attended by way more than ten people (including Michael David), President and Overseer of All, Brian Harvey, stated, "We have created more jobs by doing nothing than anyone in the valley. Nobody can prove me wrong, right? We earned this award, even though we created it!"

Feeling good about themselves, Pirate staff decided to create more awards to present to themselves in the very near future. Sports writer Graham Cracker commented, "It's like pro sports. When a team gets a trophy, it feels like getting more trophies. Since we're the only team in town, we deserve a lot of trophies."

In a move to corner the new market of medical bicycles, pharmaceutical company Pfizer purchased all patents on bicycle frames and parts worldwide and successfully lobbied politicians to pass a law requiring every Coloradoan to apply for a medical bike card. An executive from Pfizer, Phill Bowles said, "It is our belief that the medicalization of bicycles will transform peoples' idea of exercise entirely." He went on to state, "They will think of exercise as a drug, and that will make them want it more and more, just like all good drugs do."

Steamboat Springs City Council unanimously passed a town ordinance to legalize medical bike use and required that all bike stores apply for a license to sell the now pharmaceutical-grade bicycles.   

Steamboat Springs has recently billed itself Bike Town U.S.A. and believes that Medical Bikes will propel the summer tourism to a new high. However, because of the uproar from the evil, road-hogging driving community, the City Council has voted 6-1 to limit the number of Bicycle Dispensaries to two for-profit dispensaries and one bicycle co-op.  Scari Helmutheadski, the one no vote stated, "I am for the legalization of Medicinal Bicycles, so I voted yes on legalizing Medical Bicycles, but I am against selling drugs to children, so I voted no on the dispensaries."

The three former bike stores awarded these precious dispensary licenses are Orange Kush, Chronic Bike and Ski, and the co-op, Club Bike Haus.

Brake, the owner of Orange Kush Bicycle Dispensary, says that the medicinal value of his new pharmaceutical-grade bikes has made his dispensary so popular with the locals that he's having a hard time keeping some models in stock.  He says, "word is getting out, and medicinal bike-card holders are coming from all over Colorado to buy some of my latest models."

Chronic Bike and Ski spokeswoman Harley Ridin says that, "as northwest Colorado's biggest Medical Bicycle Dispensary, we have an understanding of what each Medical Bike Patient needs, and we will match the medicine to the user perfectly." She continues by stating, "our Medicinal Bicycles are the best in Colorado. We had bike users studying in countries like Switzerland and France, where medicinal biking has been legally available for decades."

Club Bike Haus owner Dominic could not be reached for comment, but issued this statement via email. It stated simply, "Dude."

Keep looking at www.yourpirate.com for up to date information on Steamboat's Medicinal Bicycle Community.

He is known as Nostrildamus, and, at the tender age of 19 months, he already has thousands of adherents. The current Chancellor of Germany, Angela Merkel, has sought out his advice. Nostrildamus has also been named official oracle of the Green Party.

Humble and soft-spoken, Nostrildamus performs his readings of boogers and answers questions from the comfort of his high chair. Yes/no questions are answered simply by either putting the index finger of his right hand in his right nostril for yes, and the index finger of his left hand in his left nostril for no. If he puts the index finger of his right hand in his left nostril, it means his diaper needs changing. Left index finger in the right nostril, it's a blowout.

The booger readings are varied and complex. The best time to see Nostrildamus for a booger reading is immediately after he bathes. Some of the signs he uses in his readings are booger size, color, ease of extraction and elasticity. Interpretation and communication are challenging. He is only 19 months old, after all, and his vocabulary is limited, although growing rapidly. But it is hard to tell someone's future using the words "monkey," "pocket," "banana," "hat" and "fish."

Sometimes Nostrildamus will sculpt the booger into a recognizable shape. Lindsay Lohan came to Germany just to see him, and Nostrildamus sculpted a little jail cell and rehab clinic. Dale Earnhardt Jr. also came to him for a reading and was not pleased to see the little green wrecked race car.

Other times, where he rubs the booger off his finger tells the story. He may use a picture book or a map to facilitate this process. Donald Trump came to see Nostrildamus, and the young savant spelled "TRUMP" in boogers across the tycoon's forehead.

Nostrildamus will be visiting America with his family in May 2012. Come see him, and have your future told before the end of days.

"We are absolutely amazed at the efficiency," gushed Bean Bell, Steamboat Springs city engineer. "We were told at the outset that achieving complete gridlock--without cross-traffic signals thrown into the mix--was an impossible dream, but here, it's reality.

"And now, with CDOT installing fiber optics, we will be able to pinpoint vehicles that have been motionless for hours and quickly dispatch code-enforcement officers to issue parking tickets," added Bell.

Parking fines are not the only monies filling city coffers thanks to the new signals; sales taxes also are up.

"Downtown is booming, even through the shoulder seasons," said Trashy Barnyard of Lame Street Steamboat. "People are buying food, drinks and new clothes as the kids grow out of them, when they'd normally just be driving through town."

Ski Corp executives and the City Chamber Resort Council Association are discussing ways to collect lodging taxes from motorists spending the night in their cars on Lincoln Ave.

"These could be the fixed revenues we've been needing for our Fly-By Steamboat program," noted I.M. Flyinhigh, Intracourse airline director.

Nestled in a quiet hollow alongside a golf course, most Bankruptuary residents have wanted to sell their properties shortly after purchase, due to how extremely cold it gets seven months out of the year.

"The sun hits my roof for about 10 minutes a day, a few months a year," stated Karl Carlington, a second homeowner turned full timer due to the economy going south. "I can't wait to dump this turkey of a house."

Now with 67 percent of Bankruptuary homes up for sale, "the development is ripe for the pickin's" laughed Arland "Gus" Mutent, president of Frackin' A*, Tennessee's largest natural-gas extraction company. "We can git the rest of the owners to jus' leave after their water starts tastin' funny and the crews all hang aroun' after hours. Ya know those boys don't smell too good after a few days, HA HA."

Although there's still heated debate, many citizens are concerned about how gas fracking seems to have a negative impact on the environment, damages local water supplies, stresses farm lands, divides communities, increases STDs 400 percent to local populations, drains liquor stores dry and increases the use of the word Lorax in conversations as well as online stories.

Mutent has been at the forefront of the natural-gas controversy for the last decade, claiming that neither his speech impediments, occasional violent shakes or sloughing skin on the left side of his face have anything to do with the effects of his demonstrations of drinking a glass of natural gas every time someone challenges him. "It's from nature, and nature is good for ya!" Mutent was heard saying while choking down the last swallow behind the closed-door session of Steamboat City Council on Monday.

City Council has had to hold closed-door sessions to actually hear what the Frackin' A* representatives had to say due to the hundreds of people inside and outside several buildings and alleys surrounding the late-night meetings, loudly protesting against fracking.

"We still think both sides need to be heard, so we can get the full story on this issue," said Council President Scari Helmetheadski. "Just because one side seems to have all the people on it, that doesn't mean there aren't two sides. And without two sides, you can't have an argument. And what's government without argument, so we need to listen to both sides before siding with Big Business."
 

After many calls for the humane society to correct the problem, Buster finally took matters into his own paws (and jaws). Late last night, when the unleashed human came around to disturb Buster yet again, he lashed out and bit the human pest.

Originally, Buster claimed he thought it was the mailman, who is accustomed to being bitten, which would have been legally permissable. After an intense interview by the humane society, however, Buster truthfully vented his frustrations and came clean. The laws governing this type of irresponsible action by Buster are strict and have no room for leniency.

Buster will be euthanized after paying a $1,000 fine to the city of Steamboat Springs to make up for lower-than-expected tax collections in the last quarter.

"I have too much exposure in the Steamboat Today--I'm in the paper more than medical marijuana," he said. "They just hate me because I'm French!"

"The people in this town have short memories. They will forget all about me when a new scandal makes the news. Maybe a dog shooting or a library stabbing," added Pervert. "Something like that will take the spotlight from me, and business will be back to normal. Until then, I have been trying to find a loan to keep the doors open."

Pervert's search for a local loan has not gone well. "I can't even get them to look at the meat in the display case. As soon as I reveal who I am and disclose my legal problems, the local banks won't touch me."

But Pervert has been resourceful in his efforts to uncover every possible source of funding. "It was staring me right in the face the whole time. What banker in all the world would understand me? Of course! My fellow Frenchman Dominique Strauss-Kahn at the IMF!

"DSK insisted on seeing everything, so I bared it all, the police reports, everything. When he read the part about me bursting out of the bathroom naked, a smile came over his face! It  grew bigger and bigger! He drove a hard bargain, but, in the end, the loan was extended, and we had something to shake on."

"He introduced me to his Egyptian friend, Mahmoud Abdel-Salam Omar. We talked for hours about this terrible country we are in, populated by idiots who have never been exposed to sophisticated foreign cultures.  

"We will be reopening as soon as I can recruit some new waitresses, preferably women who are new to town," continued Pervert. "The competition will be stiff, but I will show them everything they need to know. I can't wait to unveil my new ideas!"