Romney Withdraws from Presidential Race, Citing Fatal Flaw

Written by X. Treem Ideology Tuesday, 25 October 2011

"I'm not batshit crazy, and I just can't overcome that shortcoming."


In a stunning development, one of the frontrunners to win the Republican Presidential nomination, Mitt "Mittens" Romney, withdrew from the race, admitting that he had too many permanent flaws to win the nomination from hardcore, Tea-Party-crazed Republican primary voters.Today, Mitt Romney waved goodbye as he announced he was no longer seeking the Republican nomination for President, citing his damning and scandalous inability to speak "crazy talk."Today, Mitt Romney waved goodbye as he announced he was no longer seeking the Republican nomination for President, citing his damning and scandalous inability to speak "crazy talk."

"Unfortunately, I'm not a complete moron," said Romney, noting his stubborn adherence to live in a reality-based world. "I can't just say whatever crazy-ass thought pops into my head, and that's currently what it takes to win the Republican nomination. I've tried practicing such techniques in the mirror, saying things like 'Obama is a Kenyan Manchurian Candidate bent on destroying the United States,' but when it comes time to say them during a debate or campaign speech, I just can't get the words out. It's like I have some type of brain disorder that won't allow me to spout wild, dangerous lies. I'm just not cut out for this."

Romney pointed to a particular moment during the last Republican debate when he knew he could no longer compete with his rivals, who are...

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Struggling Oprah Unveils New Urban-Wizard Line of Books and Movies

Written by Rip Hoff de Brit Friday, 14 October 2011

Frustrated that Harry Potter writer J.K. Rowling has been challenging her role as the most successful and famous woman in the world (outside of Hollywood), and that her new Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN) has been struggling, Oprah announced that she will be introducing her own line of urban-wizard-based fiction in early 2012.Oprah Winfrey's new book, Oprah's Gary Kotter and the Deadly Projects, details the life and trials of a young boy who must learn the art of voodoo, with the help of his two best friends, to defeat the evil Hag Rowlingmort. Any resemblance to the Harry Potter series is strictly a coincidence, notes Winfrey.Oprah Winfrey's new book, Oprah's Gary Kotter and the Deadly Projects, details the life and trials of a young boy who must learn the art of voodoo, with the help of his two best friends, to defeat the evil Hag Rowlingmort. Any resemblance to the Harry Potter series is strictly a coincidence, notes Winfrey.

"If that pompous Brit can make a fortune telling whacked-out kiddie tales, you know I can do that," noted Winfrey. "And I'll do it better, with my own Oprah flair. I'm going to start the series with 'Oprah's Gary Kotter and the Deadly Projects,' which will take place in a mystical land called ChicagWarts, and feature all kinds of enchanted characters and witchery."

Winfrey plans to write the book and movie script at the same time, ensuring that her new franchise is as hastily put together as possible. The movie, when finished, will be exclusively shown on OWN, giving her audience of 456 people some original, non-Oprah-based programming.

According to a leaked copy of the first book's draft, young Gary...

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NBA Lockout Continues, Now Entering 115th Day of No One Caring

Written by Wilbur "Shooter" Flatch Saturday, 08 October 2011

large versionThe long and relatively unnoticed saga of the NBA lockout stretched into its 115th day today, signaling the longest professional sports lockout completely ignored by Americans since the almost unremembered NHL lockout of 2004, which wiped out the season and devastated fans from Montreal to Vancouver while barely being noticed in the United States.Die-hard NBA fans should be able to see their heroes, like LeBron James and Dwayne Wade (waiting to get in), in a more intimate setting this year, including at their local YMCA pickup games.Die-hard NBA fans should be able to see their heroes, like LeBron James and Dwayne Wade (waiting to get in), in a more intimate setting this year, including at their local YMCA pickup games.

And with owners united in their stance that "no one would really care if we didn't play this year," it seems like an end to the almost-uncovered-by-the-press stalemate will continue into the foreseeable future, possibly repeating the situation that moved hockey into the recesses of the American sports psyche, right next to professional bowling, poker and rodeo.

"There's an NBA lockout?" questioned William H. Spacey, an accountant with Ernst & Young in Philadelphia, who remembers watching a couple of NBA playoff games last year. "Are you sure you're not talking about the NFL? Because that was terrible, but they ended that, and I've been watching every game on my satellite package. Go...

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Local Satire???

Let's face it: Where you live is pretty ridiculous. Your local politicians are buffoons. Your local celebrities take themselves way too seriously. The general population, including yourself, is either completely crazy or almost there.

This is equally true whether you live in Hollywood, Miami or Sheboygan. It's just a matter of scale. But what can you do about it?

Satire. If you can't beat 'em, make fun of 'em, and you just might beat 'em that way ...

In its many forms, satire has proven to be a great equalizer. Jon Stewart is one of the most influential people in America. If not for Tina Fey, Sarah Palin might be Vice President of the United States. When people realize that something is ridiculous, it loses its power.

This is where The Pirate comes in. There are many great outlets that satirize the "big issues" (and we do that, too). But we've also perfected the art of Local Satire. As you can see from our successful model in Steamboat Springs, Colorado, no town is too small to be skewered.

You don't know those people or what their issues are, but the people in Steamboat do, and they think it's hilarious. And you can do the same in your area, whether a city, town, school, company or whatever. That's Local Satire, and you'll be surprised at how effective it can be.

Then you can sell your own local advertising and make a little money on the side.

So if you want to start your own Local Pirate Web page and newsletter, click HERE and start your voyage.

It's FREE, and templates are set up so all you have to do is write funny articles (but if you need help creating witty graphics, we can do that, too, for a small fee).

Each of your Local subscribers will also receive a FREE Global Pirate newsletter along with your own. We take care of the newsletters, too, and you can send it as often (or not) as you'd like.

And if you'd just like to contribute an article or two for our "global" page, just send in what you think is funny. If we like it, we'll publish it under your name and location. Unlike other satire publications, we want to hear from you.

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