Written by Rand Aynderson Monday, 02 May 2011
When the final buzzer sounded, the atmosphere at the Kansas University College Republican headquarters was beyond exuberant. Dozens of sensibly dressed college students ran around in a delirious craze, screaming with excitement and giving each other high-fives and awkward, poorly timed jumping hugs.
"This is the best day of my life!" screamed Andrew Timmerman, a sophomore financing major at the school. "I can't believe it came down to Kansas, and we did it!!! We freaking did it!!! Yeahhh!!!!"
Popcorn flew in the air, and a ponytailed blonde named Cheryl Swain, a junior pre-law major, shook a can of Diet Sprite really, really hard and opened it, gleefully spraying her fellow republicans with sugar-free "lymon."Add a comment
Written by Speedy Prius Tuesday, 06 April 2010
In response to Toyota's humiliating and costly design errors that led to a massive recall of its vehicles, Toyota President Akio Toyoda chose to save face in the traditional Japanese manner and commit Harry Caray.
The embattled CEO, who only took charge of the automotive giant in June 2009, quickly donned a pair of oversized, overmagnified dark-rimmed glasses and belted out a particularly horrible version of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame."
"Buy me some peanut and a crak-a-jack," he sort-of sang between taking fake swigs from a jumbo-sized empty canteen. "I do no care if I neva get back!"
Toyoda was repeatedly questioned on how acting like the deceased and revered sports broadcaster would help the automaker restore it's tarnished image, Toyoda repeatedly replied with a slurred, "Cubs Win! Cubs Win! I'm-a Harry Caray! Cubs Win!"
When informed that the actual ritual for saving face in Japan is hari kari, which entails disemboweling oneself quietly before someone chops your head off with a Samurai sword, Toyoda said, "Seriousry? That freakin' nuts!"
"Why would I do dat?" he asked. "I have rich monies and powah, and this bro over soon. Akio be back to snorting cocaine off-a hooker hooters in Macau in no time. Dishembowah? Good one!
"Or as Harry Caray say, 'Get outta here!'" he added in what is truly a terrible impersonation.Add a comment
Written by Marty Graw Monday, 05 April 2010
New Orleans Saints' officials pleaded with its fan base to "not be like this guy," who had moments before tattooed the Saints logo on his balls.
After defeating the Indianapolis Colts 31-17 in Super Bowl XLIV, the New Orleans Saints and their energized fan base took to the streets of their beleaguered city for some well-deserved celebrations.
But after the team's victory parade, when they showed off their new trophy to their adoring fans, team ownership and management had some cautious words for their fans.
"Please, please don't become so obnoxious with our success that the rest of the country learns to hate us," warned team owner Tom Benson. "You may not remember this, but it wasn't that long ago that the country was really happy for the out-of-nowhere Tom Brady and the New England Patriots. We were all relieved when the Red Sox ended the Curse of the Bambino and...Add a comment
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