U.S. to Default on Debt, Declare Bankruptcy, Rent for Seven Years

•Written by Fantasia Ownusnow• ••Tuesday•, 05 •July• 2011•

Because Congressional Republicans and Democrats couldn't work out a deal to raise the country's $14.3 trillion legal debt limit by early August, President Barack Obama announced that the country will simply forfeit on its debt and declare national bankruptcy.By declaring bankruptcy, the U.S. government can simply walk away from its "underwater" debts. After renting for seven years, the country hopes it can buy back some assets, such as The White House, from the new Chinese owners.By declaring bankruptcy, the U.S. government can simply walk away from its "underwater" debts. After renting for seven years, the country hopes it can buy back some assets, such as The White House, from the new Chinese owners.

"Like millions of American homeowners, the United States now owes more money than the country is worth," stated Obama at a ceremony that Republicans again refused to attend. "And like many of those debt-saddled homeowners, the smart move for us at this point is to just walk away."

According to the country's top economists, by declaring international bankruptcy, the United States will default all of its assets to the primary lenders, most of which are foreign countries, private entities and corporations. It's estimated that China will be the majority stakeholder of former U.S. assets such as its highway system, the energy infrastructure and the U.S. military.

"It just makes better sense right now to rent," stated Obama. "Then we won't have to worry about interest rates or amortization. We'll just cut our checks each month to the...

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Tiger, Clinton Congratulate Rory, Invite Him to D.C. Sex Party

•Written by Dick Swinger• ••Tuesday•, 21 •June• 2011•

Minutes after trouncing the field at the 111th U.S. Open golf championship at the Congressional Country Club in Bethesda, Md., 22-year-old Rory McElroy received congratulatory phone calls from his idol, Tiger Woods, and former U.S. President Bill Clinton. Both Woods and Clinton praised McElroy for his record-breaking and thoroughly dominating performance before inviting him to a "hot-ass sex party" being held at a secret location in nearby Washington, D.C.

U.S. Open Champion Rory McElroy was invited by Bill Clinton and Tiger Woods to a celebrity studded and ball-gagged crazy-ass sex orgy. But PGA Tour executives squashed that dream and had him restrained in his hotel room to avoid further scandal.U.S. Open Champion Rory McElroy was invited by Bill Clinton and Tiger Woods to a celebrity studded and ball-gagged crazy-ass sex orgy. But PGA Tour executives squashed that dream and had him restrained in his hotel room to avoid further scandal."That was a legendary, otherworldly performance," Clinton reportedly told the youngster from Northern Ireland. "You've clearly shown that you are one of the best golfers in history, just like my main man Tiger. So now let's see if you can swing your other club with the big boys, and get down her for the hottest damn sexhibition match you'll ever see."

Both Clinton and Woods offered to send a limousine that would take McElroy, who just set a U.S. Open record by finishing the tournament at 16 under par, to the ultra-high-rollers-only sex party where he would rub elbows, and likely penises, with such world-conquerors as Michael Jordan, Shaq...

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Republicans Back New Energy Source: Clean Nitroglycerin

•Written by T. Entee• ••Thursday•, 02 •June• 2011•

In response to recent setbacks in the perceived safety of previously supported coal, oil, shale gas and nuclear fuels, Republicans and their various arms and support groups, including Fox News, are pushing for a new fuel to become the face of Republican energy policy: Clean Nitroglycerin.

Hanz Shakin, president of Bring Clean Nitroglycerin Up (BCNU), promises that this new energy source will have all of the power but none of the ridiculously unstable explosive properties of regular nitroglycerin, because it's "Clean."Hanz Shakin, president of Bring Clean Nitroglycerin Up (BCNU), promises that this new energy source will have all of the power but none of the ridiculously unstable explosive properties of regular nitroglycerin, because it's "Clean.""We experienced some truly unlucky, one-in-a-million-year events in the Gulf Oil Spill, the various mining disasters all over the world, the drinking water contaminated by fracking, and the Japanese nuclear reactor leaks," said Speaker of the House John Boehner, a vocal new supporter of Clean Nitroglycerin. "And although my fellow Republicans and I are certain that events like this will never, ever happen again, we needed to find a new source of energy that didn't have the same negative stigma with the public. That energy source is Clean Nitroglycerin."

Boehner admitted that Clean Nitroglycerin was a relatively new energy option, but that it's recently formed lobbying group, Bring Clean Nitroglycerin Up (BCNU), promised those who received its large cash payments that the industry has yet to experience any...

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Local Satire???

Let's face it: Where you live is pretty ridiculous. Your local politicians are buffoons. Your local celebrities take themselves way too seriously. The general population, including yourself, is either completely crazy or almost there.

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In its many forms, satire has proven to be a great equalizer. Jon Stewart is one of the most influential people in America. If not for Tina Fey, Sarah Palin might be Vice President of the United States. When people realize that something is ridiculous, it loses its power.

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You don't know those people or what their issues are, but the people in Steamboat do, and they think it's hilarious. And you can do the same in your area, whether a city, town, school, company or whatever. That's Local Satire, and you'll be surprised at how effective it can be.

Then you can sell your own local advertising and make a little money on the side.

So if you want to start your own Local Pirate Web page and newsletter, click HERE and start your voyage.

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  30. INSERT INTO `eeu_jstats_impressions` (`page_id`, `visit_id`, `timestamp`)
      VALUES (1920,247549,1526934880)
  31. SELECT width,height
      FROM eeu_flashrotators
      WHERE id = '13'
  32. SELECT width,height
      FROM eeu_flashrotators
      WHERE id = '13'
  33. SELECT width,height
      FROM eeu_flashrotators
      WHERE id = '8'
  34. SELECT width,height
      FROM eeu_flashrotators
      WHERE id = '8'
  35. SELECT *
      FROM eeu_banner
      WHERE showBanner = 1
      AND (imptotal = 0 OR impmade < imptotal)
      AND cid = 2
      AND catid = 54
      ORDER BY sticky DESC, ordering
      LIMIT 0, 1
  36. SELECT width,height
      FROM eeu_flashrotators
      WHERE id = '11'
  37. SELECT width,height
      FROM eeu_flashrotators
      WHERE id = '11'
  38. SELECT width,height
      FROM eeu_flashrotators
      WHERE id = '9'
  39. SELECT width,height
      FROM eeu_flashrotators
      WHERE id = '9'
  40. SELECT width,height
      FROM eeu_flashrotators
      WHERE id = '3'
  41. SELECT width,height
      FROM eeu_flashrotators
      WHERE id = '3'
  42. SELECT *
      FROM eeu_banner
      WHERE showBanner = 1
      AND (imptotal = 0 OR impmade < imptotal)
      AND cid = 2
      AND catid = 44
      ORDER BY sticky DESC, ordering
      LIMIT 0, 1

•0 legacy queries logged•

    •Language Files Loaded•

    •Untranslated Strings Diagnostic•

    GLOBAL PIRATE	JHTML::tooltip()	[:]
    STEAMBOAT SPRINGS LOCAL PIRATE	JHTML::tooltip()	[:]
    

    •Untranslated Strings Designer•

    
    # ??Unknown file??
    
    GLOBAL PIRATE=Global Pirate
    STEAMBOAT SPRINGS LOCAL PIRATE=Steamboat Springs Local Pirate