Kansas College Republicans Celebrate Kansas Loss, Screwing of Obama's Bracket

Written by Rand Aynderson Monday, 02 May 2011

When the final buzzer sounded, the atmosphere at the Kansas University College Republican headquarters was beyond exuberant. Dozens of sensibly dressed college students ran around in a delirious craze, screaming with excitement and giving each other high-fives and awkward, poorly timed jumping hugs.Getting ready to watch the No. 1-seeded Kansas basketball team, Kansas College Republicans hoped that Obama would falter by choosing their school to win the national championship. Their prayers were answered.Getting ready to watch the No. 1-seeded Kansas basketball team, Kansas College Republicans hoped that Obama would falter by choosing their school to win the national championship. Their prayers were answered.

"This is the best day of my life!" screamed Andrew Timmerman, a sophomore financing major at the school. "I can't believe it came down to Kansas, and we did it!!! We freaking did it!!! Yeahhh!!!!"

Popcorn flew in the air, and a ponytailed blonde named Cheryl Swain, a junior pre-law major, shook a can of Diet Sprite really, really hard and opened it, gleefully spraying her fellow republicans with sugar-free "lymon."

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Toyota President Commits Harry Caray, Having Trouble with Accent

Written by Speedy Prius Tuesday, 06 April 2010

In response to Toyota's humiliating and costly design errors that led to a massive recall of its vehicles, Toyota President Akio Toyoda chose to save face in the traditional Japanese manner and commit Harry Caray.

The embattled CEO, who only took charge of the automotive giant in June 2009, quickly donned a pair of oversized, overmagnified dark-rimmed glasses and belted out a particularly horrible version of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame."

Immediately after committing Harry Caray, Toyota President Akio Toyoda screamed "Hory Cow! Cubs Win!"Immediately after committing Harry Caray, Toyota President Akio Toyoda screamed "Hory Cow! Cubs Win!"

"Buy me some peanut and a crak-a-jack," he sort-of sang between taking fake swigs from a jumbo-sized empty canteen. "I do no care if I neva get back!"

Toyoda was repeatedly questioned on how acting like the deceased and revered sports broadcaster would help the automaker restore it's tarnished image, Toyoda repeatedly replied with a slurred, "Cubs Win! Cubs Win! I'm-a Harry Caray! Cubs Win!"

When informed that the actual ritual for saving face in Japan is hari kari, which entails disemboweling oneself quietly before someone chops your head off with a Samurai sword, Toyoda said, "Seriousry? That freakin' nuts!"

"Why would I do dat?" he asked. "I have rich monies and powah, and this bro over soon. Akio be back to snorting cocaine off-a hooker hooters in Macau in no time. Dishembowah? Good one!

"Or as Harry Caray say, 'Get outta here!'" he added in what is truly a terrible impersonation.

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Team to Saints' Fans: Don't become Louisiassholes

Written by Marty Graw Monday, 05 April 2010

New Orleans Saints' officials pleaded with its fan base to "not be like this guy," who had moments before tattooed the Saints logo on his balls.


After defeating the Indianapolis Colts 31-17 in Super Bowl XLIV, the New Orleans Saints and their energized fan base took to the streets of their beleaguered city for some well-deserved celebrations.

But after the team's victory parade, when they showed off their new trophy to their adoring fans, team ownership and management had some cautious words for their fans.

New Orleans Saints' officials pleaded with its fan base to "not be like this guy," who had moments before tattooed the Saints logo on his balls.New Orleans Saints' officials pleaded with its fan base to "not be like this guy," who had moments before tattooed the Saints logo on his balls.

"Please, please don't become so obnoxious with our success that the rest of the country learns to hate us," warned team owner Tom Benson. "You may not remember this, but it wasn't that long ago that the country was really happy for the out-of-nowhere Tom Brady and the New England Patriots. We were all relieved when the Red Sox ended the Curse of the Bambino and...

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Local Satire???

Let's face it: Where you live is pretty ridiculous. Your local politicians are buffoons. Your local celebrities take themselves way too seriously. The general population, including yourself, is either completely crazy or almost there.

This is equally true whether you live in Hollywood, Miami or Sheboygan. It's just a matter of scale. But what can you do about it?

Satire. If you can't beat 'em, make fun of 'em, and you just might beat 'em that way ...

In its many forms, satire has proven to be a great equalizer. Jon Stewart is one of the most influential people in America. If not for Tina Fey, Sarah Palin might be Vice President of the United States. When people realize that something is ridiculous, it loses its power.

This is where The Pirate comes in. There are many great outlets that satirize the "big issues" (and we do that, too). But we've also perfected the art of Local Satire. As you can see from our successful model in Steamboat Springs, Colorado, no town is too small to be skewered.

You don't know those people or what their issues are, but the people in Steamboat do, and they think it's hilarious. And you can do the same in your area, whether a city, town, school, company or whatever. That's Local Satire, and you'll be surprised at how effective it can be.

Then you can sell your own local advertising and make a little money on the side.

So if you want to start your own Local Pirate Web page and newsletter, click HERE and start your voyage.

It's FREE, and templates are set up so all you have to do is write funny articles (but if you need help creating witty graphics, we can do that, too, for a small fee).

Each of your Local subscribers will also receive a FREE Global Pirate newsletter along with your own. We take care of the newsletters, too, and you can send it as often (or not) as you'd like.

And if you'd just like to contribute an article or two for our "global" page, just send in what you think is funny. If we like it, we'll publish it under your name and location. Unlike other satire publications, we want to hear from you.

So, are you a Pirate?

Enter Amount:

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You can have new content from The Pirate e-mailed to you as a newsletter as soon as it's available. No need to waste time browsing the Internet!

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If you only want the "main" Pirate, select Global Pirate below.



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