Boy Scouts' Gay Ban Overturned, Makeover Consultant to Unveil New Branding with Better Fashion Sense

Written by GUEST CONTRIBUTORS Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick Saturday, 01 June 2013

GRAPEVINE, Texas -- The Boy Scouts of America (BSA) voted recently to end its controversial policy banning gay boys and teens from membership. The policy change will go into effect Jan. 1, 2014, "allowing the Boy Scouts of America the transition time needed to communicate and implement this policy to its approximately 116,000 Scouting units," the BSA said in a statement.Until the new Armani-based Boy Scout uniform is unveiled in Paris later in 2013, gay scouts can choose to wear the new "Fabulous" Merit badge (left) or adopt a complete transgender look (right). Click on image to enlarge.Until the new Armani-based Boy Scout uniform is unveiled in Paris later in 2013, gay scouts can choose to wear the new "Fabulous" Merit badge (left) or adopt a complete transgender look (right). Click on image to enlarge.

"It blew me away to realize we were so behind the times," said BSA Membership Chairman Craven Morehead. "The bottom line is we've got to stop going down the same old dirt road. If we look beyond our own backyard, maybe we can change our luck and attract new members." To that end, BSA hired corporate makeover consultant Richard Lavender to rebrand the Boy Scouts for the 21st Century.

Lavender addressed a crowd outside a Dairy Queen in Grapevine. "We are going to flip the scouting world back to front, switching everything around. We have already laid the groundwork for our new merit badges: fashion design, wedding planning, interior decorating and basket weaving. These sweeping changes will have a daisy-chain effect, attracting gay scouts from around the world."

"We have also come out with great new ideas for camping trips," added Lavender. "Viewing wildlife like bears and otters in their natural habitat. Roasting corn on the cob by a flaming campfire. I even saved a case of Hostess Twinkies for our first outing."

"But the change I am most excited about is the new Boy Scout uniform!" squealed Lavender. "A sleeveless Armani shirt with contrasting lapels and a wing collar in faded plum with a leather belt/shoulder strap by Coach, accented by a Marc Jacobs kerchief in mustard and silver kerchief clasp by Tiffany. A black satin merit-badge sash by Hermes, Bermuda short shorts by Zara in pumpkin with contrasting cuffs, knee-length socks by United Colors of Benetton in emerald and mid-calf boots by Dolce & Gabanna. To top it off, an Alexander McQueen hat shaped like a miniature camping tent! Imagine that in your closet!"

Some opponents said they would pull out of the new Scouts, leaving some troops and packs without backers. "This whole gay thing is hard to swallow," said Barry McCockiner, a scoutmaster from French Lick, Indiana. "These people just want to ram their deviant lifestyle down our throats. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth."