Oak Creek Hires Dummies to Police Town

Written by Carg´╗┐oed Outtatown Tuesday, 11 November 2008

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To help avoid the image that Oak Creek is a lawless town devoid of anyone patrolling its streets, town leaders have hired Rent-a-Dummie to provide life-like mannequins of police officers, which will be placed strategically throughout town to discourage crime.

Is that an Oak Creek police officer? Or is it just another dummy on the street? Can you tell?Is that an Oak Creek police officer? Or is it just another dummy on the street? Can you tell?

The move was hoped to quell citizen concerns now that Oak Creek no longer has a police chief or any officers or anyone at all resembling law enforcement after the previous officers resigned over the "whole Cargo taser thing."

"It's been like the Wild West around here lately," said Peter Pinochio, owner of Pinochio's Drugs. "Young hooligans are running around scaring people with guns and other weapons. People are boozing out on the street--well, even more than they used to. And I'm pretty sure someone opened up a brothel on Third Street. That's just a rumor, though. I haven't been there or anything."

In addition to dummies being placed in police cars and parked strategically on Oak Creek streets, free-standing police dummies will be placed randomly near bars, liquor stores, banks and other potential problem areas. Some will be staged with their arms crossed, while others may be placed in a "walking around" position.

"To make sure that the dummies in law-enforcement uniforms aren't just ignored, the Steamboat Springs Sheriff Department will randomly show up and take the place of the real dummies," noted Sheriff Stonedwall Jackson. "So just when you think you can get away with something, that dummy you see will be an actual Steamboat officer. Ha! So you better think twice before committing crimes in Oak Creek. Will it be a dummy? Will it be a Sheriff? Will you be able to tell the difference?"

To prevent any dummy vandalism, it will be a $200 fine if anyone is caught damaging, defacing or placing any police dummies into sexual positions. Anyone doing so is expected to take and fill out a form attached to the police dummies and turn it into the Sheriff's department.

"We call it 'honor system justice,'" said Rent-a-Dummies owner  Manny Kinn. "It may not seem like a good way to fight crime, but it is cheap."

Unfortunately, it seems that some Oak Creek residents are leery of the new law-enforcement dummies in town.

 "So we're replacing dummies with more dummies?" asked Dinty Moore, a longtime Oak Creek resident. "Great. So if we need any real police help, we have to wait for the Sheriff to bike over here? Oh yeah, that should really put the fear in any would-be criminals. Why is everyone around here some god-damned stupid! Is there something in the god-damned water!"

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