Fivecoatsofpaint Wins Settlement Against School District in Staples Fiasco; Says "That Was Easy"

Mr. Roland Fivecoatsofpaint, former head custodian at Steamboat Springs High School, was jubilant today after winning a settlement against the School District for $400,000. Mr. Fivecoatsofpaint sued the district last month after being abruptly terminated at the end of the 2007-2008 school year.

The lawsuit, settled out of court yesterday morning, cited the District for "unfair evaluation practices," stating that the then Superintendent Soon Goodbyeser was not licensed by the COJOB, the Colorado Janitorial Oversight Board, and so was unqualified to judge the practices of Mr. Fivecoatsofpaint. "My floors and walls meet the criteria for a five-star rating from the COJOB." says the vindicated custodian, "But the former superintendent wouldn't be able to recognize that."

The lawsuit further claimed that Fivecoatsofpaint was "unfairly singled out for termination" due to the "personal grievance," of several Steamboat High staff. "I came down hard on them for putting staples in the walls, and they didn't like that. They said that the amount of time that it took them to use the proper adhesive to hang student posters placed an unfair burden on them and alleged that when they complained, I retaliated by not cleaning their rooms, but it's just not true."

When asked what she will do to avoid such costly legal battles in the future, current superintendent Mêlée Stunningham assured the public, "We are working very closely with the COJOB to become educated about Janitorial standards and practices and I myself am in the process of becoming a licensed inspector." Meanwhile, when asked what was next, the one-time fixture of SSHS hallways replied, "Early retirement and a time-share in Cabo. I've cleaned my last marijuana leaf off a whiteboard."

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