Flooded Homeowner Suing Ski Resort for Making Snow
Written by Macon Trouble Tuesday, 21 June 2011
A Steamboat Springs man who recently watched his semi-furnished basement mildly flood with waters from the swollen Yampa River has decided to take legal action against the entity he finds responsible for his waterlogged faux-Oriental carpet: Intracourse ULC, the parent company that owns Steamboat Ski Resort.
Liddy Gator searched his soppy phone book for a lawyer who would help him sue Intracourse for spewing excess fluids during snowmaking operations, which he claims caused the flooding of his basement man cave.
Liddy Gator, 43 and divorced, blames what he calls "unnecessary and reckless snowmaking" for pushing the Yampa River above his normally sufficient retaining wall along the river. According to Gator, he rarely skis and spends his winters drinking in the basement on his now-moist Lazy-Boy and "watching shit on TV."
"They had, what, 200 inches of natural snow base on the mountain this winter, right?" Gator asked no one in particular. "Did they really need a few more inches on Eagle's Nest for the eight people who use that run? How do I know those few inches of snow aren't what pushed the Yampa into my beloved basement? There ain't no scientists who can tell me that isn't the case."
"That isn't the case," said Dr. I.C. Hands, a scientist at the Storm Peak Weather Station. "Man-made snow sucks, we all know that, but it doesn't do diddly squat as far as adding to flood waters."
When told of the scientist's appraisal of his legal claim, Gator claimed that Dr. Hands was an Intracourse pawn who probably went to school with Al Gore. After cracking open a fresh can of PBR, the man with an extensive and now-soggy collection of VHS porn tapes continued his tirade against man-made snow.
"The river only came over my wall by like an inch, and that was enough to release a shit-storm on my man cave," he revealed. "One inch! I hear those damn snow cannons blasting away all day and night, you can't tell me that didn't make a difference."
"That didn't make a difference," added Dr. Hands.
"Shut the hell up, you prick scientist!" shouted Gator. "Stay out of my rants!"
Mr. Gator is seeking $800 in damages for the rug he purchased at a local thrift shop and some chemicals he may have to buy to get the funky odor out of his basement. He said the porn collection should be fine once the tapes dry off a little more. Some of the original paper-based covers have been ruined, but he confessed that they were already in pretty bad shape due to overuse.
He's also suing Intracourse for $3 million in punitive damages for his trauma and psychological suffering. He will be represented by the first lawyer he can find in the phone book once it dries out.
"I had more good times in that basement than anywhere else in my life. No joke. And now I'll never be able to enjoy myself in there again without thinking of all that Intracourse-created fluid all over the place. It's disgusting," he added.
Dookie Lakaka, vice president of public relations and litigations at Intracourse, denied that the resort's annual snowmaking operations had anything to do with increased floodwaters.
"Intracourse doesn't create any unnecessary or undesired fluid," added Lakaka. "Our snowmaking has no more effect on the Yampa than someone taking a leak off their back deck."
"That's not true, either," noted Dr. Hands.
"Shut up!!!" yelled both Gator and Lakaka at the annoying scientist.