At a morning news conference at City Hall, Mustbekidding told reporters and members of the public about an "ongoing, long-term parking study that will prove, once and for all, that we actually appear to be doing something about this problem." A hush fell over the expectant gathering. "For the last 22 years, the reputable Durango-based firm Suburban Explorer has sent 387 of their most- trusted agents into Downtown Steamboat Springs every morning in vehicles ranging from Subarus to SUVs to UPS trucks, to study the availability of parking and the effect of double-parking on traffic."

Mustbekidding quieted the loudly laughing audience, then introduced Meg Myday, spokesperson for Suburban Explorer. "What we have found is that it really, really is very hard to find the good parking places, especially with all the local drivers trying to do the same thing," said Myday. "But we will persevere, as long as there is a problem to study, money in the Steamboat Springs budget and fossil fuels to power our study vehicles."

Myday said her agents have also noted that Steamboat Springs seems to have unusually long lines at its drive-up windows, particularly McDonalds and Starbucks, but that a separate and equally expensive study would be needed to study that problem. Mustbekidding thanked the attendees, adjourned the press conference and offered to drive them to their cars.

"Driving in the left lane, and the ability to turn left when the road is at its busiest, are now going to be a feature in Steamboat, instead of standard fare," grinned Councilperson Sammy Bag O'Donuts. "We are always looking for ways to cater to the rich, and flying through construction zones when others have to merge should do that nicely."

This program has raised a number of concerns about legality, safety and how much additional congestion will be created for working peons. One major debate has erupted over how delivery drivers, taxi/shuttle drivers and especially school buses will be able to get riders where they need to go if they can't ever turn left during prime travel times.

"Students on the west side of town will need to be picked up hours before First Tracks Traffic Enforcement begins, and turning left becomes impossible for them," added O'Donuts. "After school, students living on the mountain will have to wait several hours before the buses can bring them home. Rush hour will finally receive the respect it has always deserved." 

Utah has been marketing "The Greatest Snow on Earth®" slogan, a registered trademark, since 1962. And the phrase has been stamped on Utah license plates since 1985.  Regardless of such "minor trademark details," Ski Corp. Senior Vice President of Sales and Marketing Bob Oysterman said that any confusion is absurd: "Everyone knows that Planet Earth is completely different from Earth." 

Steamboat Ski Resort released the following statement: "'The Greatest Snow on Planet Earth®' campaign seeks to differentiate between the two Greatest Snow places in our solar system and promote the fact that there is a distinct alternative to the Greatest Snow on Earth experience. Our intent is to distinguish between Planet Earth and Earth as you would between a town and a city." 

According to Siri L. Sloganstealer, managing director of the Utah Office of Tourism, research has found that nearly half of the country mistakes Utah as home of the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus, which also sued Utah for stealing its "Greatest Show on Earth" slogan. The circus was contacted, and they are considering a new lawsuit against Steamboat's nearly identical slogan. 

"If any confusion exists, I think it would concern Utah looking like a washed-up, unimportant circus," added Sloganstealer. "But we are here today to let the country know that Salt Lake is Ski City USA with the Greatest Snow on Earth and not the Greatest Show on Earth in a Ski Town. These are major, major differences. So we have just one original question to ask Steamboat: Where's Your Beef?"

In response to Utah's official statement, Steamboat Resort spokesman Billy Child asked, "What's next? Is Park City going to start promoting 'Sparkling Wine Powder'? Utah can suck my snowballs!"

According to a recent survey of 100 bear residents, the bear who broke into a house and sat in the kitchen eating pistachios and wouldn't leave is a leading contender (see "Police Fodder," Monday, July 28, 2014, 10:57 p.m.). One of the bears surveyed, who wished to remain anonymous, said, "I would vote for Pistachio Bear. We need more houses with large bowls of nuts and seeds left on the counters." 

Another frontrunner is Angry Bear, who was recently sighted looking for a friend at a Steamboat Springs hotel (see "Police Fodder," Monday, Aug. 18, 2014, 3:07 a.m.). "I really am a reasonable bear," said Angry Bear, when asked if a run for office was being considered. "If elected, I will propose planting raspberry bushes on the Highway 40 median. And if anyone on Council opposes me, I will eat them."

The bear who garnered the most support in the survey was Poop Bear (see "Police Fodder," Tuesday, Aug. 19, 2014, 10:06 a.m.). Poop Bear attained instant celebrity status when he smeared his own feces on a parked car and wrote in poopive, "Vote for me, and together we'll make the humans dumpster dive for their f@&*!#g dinners!" 

Current Council President Kart Beforehorseski said he would welcome the opportunity of serving alongside a bear. "We must follow the shining example set by the United States Congress, where there are already many snakes and rats serving along with humans."

"Unless you're a hardcore mountain biker, no one in this town has seen any real mud in years, so that term no longer made any sense," said Councilmember Snott Fjord. "But we've all been late for important meetings, become pissed off to no end, and flipped off neighbors in frustration during the months between summer and winter: F@#%ng Construction Season."

According to one anonymous single-mom in the audience, "I understand that we can't do big construction projects during the tourist seasons of summer and winter, but I have to drive my kid back and forth from our home in Whistler Village to school to activities and everything else, while trying to keep my job and not get fired for being late all the time. What can take 10 minutes during a blinding snowstorm now takes 30 minutes in perfect weather. F@#%ng Construction Season."

"F@#%ng Construction Season" officially begins the day after the ski mountain closes and pauses for the summer season between 4^th of July and Labor Day, to continue from then until the opening of the ski season. All previous use of the term "Mud Season," whether in official documents or social discourse, now must be removed and replaced with "F@#%ng Construction Season" as long as the abysmal traffic conditions persist.

Any out-of-town visitor from a major city who happens to be here offseason and can't understand why Steamboat residents bitch and complain about a few extra minutes of driving time should be told to "shut up and go back to where they came from."

After unearthing an ancient doomsday prophecy from the local Milnerans, the last and certainly craziest descendants of the long-lost Mayans, Steamboat's only hope for survival rests in the hands of Colorado Jones, an adventurer and archaeologist who wanted to travel the world and save civilizations, but spent too much time getting high and rarely leaves Routt County.

With the help of his loyal and astonishingly annoying sidekick, Short Brian, Colorado Jones must face certain destruction, a frightening collection of rednecks, the perils of time travel and deadliest of all: a scorned ex-girlfriend.

He'll also encounter a pair of evil geniuses, an even scarier new nemesis, and a man who looks and sounds a little like Hunter S. Thompson. But can he save Steamboat, or will it be the End of the Boat as We Know It?

To find out, you'll have to come to the Steamboat Grand Ballroom on Nov. 20-22, 2014, at 8 p.m., and see Pirate Theatre's next and greatest multimedia performance. Sing along to new songs about the 1980s and Steamboat's rarest species: virgins. They'll also have new VIP wait service*, so you won't even have to get up for drinks.

To purchase tickets, pick them up at All That Jazz, or order them online at www.yourpirate.com or the Pirate Theatre Facebook page. But you better hurry, because if you miss out on this one, you may have to learn Steamboat's fate the hard way.

*Disclaimer: Those with weak bladders sit in the VIP section at their own risk.

Shaking off the debris of crumpled cigarette packs, empty beer cans and half-smoked joints, these seasonal creatures, already clad in winter garb, begin migrating toward Mt. Werner and various restaurants across Steamboat with the hopes of finding a decent job that will afford them a ski pass.

"It's kind of beautiful," says Bob Upendawn, a local curator and advocate for preserving the long heritage of Ski Bums in the Yampa Valley. "Routt County has a unique mix of Ski Bum creatures. We have a lot of East Coast skiers that traveled west in the 1980s: Bostoniana Slackerus­. This species was looking for good snow and a smaller population with less competition for first tracks. Steamboat provided the perfect environment for them to proliferate."

Upendawn explains that a secondary wave of Ski Bum came in the 1990s, a younger, more voracious breed attracted to the valley because of its isolation and physical features. This breed brought with them snowboards and a healthy drinking habit.

"Powderistic Shreddus is relatively harmless," states Upendawn. "Their shaggy appearance and tattoo markings are off-putting, but they do serve a benefit by pollinating the local bars in their nightly trek across town to get wasted."

The third iteration of Ski Bums, however, has Upendawn worried. "With the recent legalization of marijuana, we're seeing a new species of Ski Bum emerge: Stonerifus Stupidicus, which is primarily comprised of Jibbers, but certainly Hipsters and like-minded ilk are part of the breed."

This third breed, according to Upendawn, is invasive and poses a potential threat to the delicate Ski Bum balance in the Yampa Valley. Mainly coming out of the Midwest, this particular strain moved to the valley with the sole intention of getting f'ed-up on marijuana in its various forms - flower, edible and oil. They generally live in packs of five to eight, splitting the cost of housing and supporting their drug habits by working a string of low-end service-industry jobs for no longer than a month at a time or becoming an indebted servant of the ski mountain. Building "nests" within their Honda Accords and Ford Escorts comprised of RMR canisters and ramen-noodle packages, these Ski Bums frequently will camp out for days in ill-placed locations, playing loud Dub-step or alternative-bluegrass music in an attempt to attract more of their kind.

Preventive measures have been implemented by the Steamboat Ski Resort in an attempt to keep Stonerifus Stupidicus at bay, include raising the price of a seasonal ski pass to just under the yearly income of poverty -  $11,000 - and installing a series of overpriced ski-equipment shops around the mountain base in hopes that by looking like Vail, the highly stoned Ski Bums will be deterred.

"We admit that it's not going to keep all of them out," says Don Lyke-Uhipee, director of Ski Security for Mt. Werner. "Some of these Ski-bums are being financed by a trust fund, or they've bought a pass during the summer by beating up old women and stealing their purse money."

Lyke-Uhippe explains that as a secondary tier of security, Steamboat Resort plans on planting decoy traps comprised of a half-bag of marijuana, an i-Pod and a bag of Cheetos at various locations on the mountain in hopes of snaring Stonerifus Stupidicus, removing them from the premises, and returning them to their natural environment: Portland.

"I just want Craig to be more 'Merican, unlike that Commie Steamboat place," mumbled Crumble as he spit tobacco juice on the floor and raised his Bible in the air. "And nothin's more 'Merican than tobaccah and the Bible--New Testament of course. Old Testament's OK as a starter, but you need Jesus in your heart to be a real 'Merican. Otherwise you're just Jewish."

Crumble cited the country's Founding Fathers as inspiration for the new laws. However, his parents, with whom the 48-year-old still lives with, noted that he cites imaginary writings of the Founding Fathers for everything he does.

"He'll only eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch," notes Larry Crumble, his apologetic father. "He says that's all Thomas Jefferson ate for lunch, so that's good enough for him. I actually tried to look that one up on the Google, but nothing came up regarding Mr. Jefferson and PB&J. My boy's just nuts."

Craig Crumble also introduced two new inventions that he will market with his proposed new laws.

"First, there's the Spit Dangler, which is basically a piece of string attached to a spittoon, so you can have your dip spitter handy whenever you need it," noted the younger Crumble as he again spit on the floor. "The second is a little bag that slips onto your belt to hold your mandatory Bible. I call it the Bi-bolster.

"I first called is a Bolster," he added. "But somebody told me that's an actual word already, so I changed it: Bi-bolster! Praise 'Merica! Praise Jesus!"

Upon hearing of the inventions, the senior Crumble's head sank. "I have no idea what we as parents did so wrong. But we obviously screwed up big time somewhere. Sorry."

Three-time Olympic medalist, world champion and Steamboat icon Johnny Spillane announced his retirement from Nordic-combined racing to spend more time tarnishing his perfect image among fans and Steamboat Springs residents.

"Sure, I said all the usual things about retiring to spend more time with my family, blah, blah, blah," noted Spillane in a candid interview with the Pirate News Network. "But I want to be like most 'big-time' athletes and really get out there to spoil this 'perfect-guy, goody-two-shoes' image I've been carrying around like a lead anvil all these years."

Spillane's primary focus on his "Golden No More" image campaign will be his continued work as the public face of the Three Men and an Olympian group seeking to build an unwanted and legally and politically impossible casino near the Hayden airport, but he hasn't ruled out other popular methods to ruin his public personae.

"My Negative Publicist, Muddy Thoughters, said the quickest way to really go hardcore badass was to start sleeping with strippers and prostitutes--maybe release a sex tape, but that's been done too many times by too many famous people," added Spillane. "I want to set myself apart from other disgraced icons and find something that cries out for help in a much more Steamboat sort of way."

Mr. Thoughters, who previously worked with Michael Jordan, Dennis Rodman, Lenny Dykstra, Lawrence Taylor and Lance Armstrong, among others, added that he's constantly pitching ideas on what will make the most spectacular crash and create the most negative PR.

"Gambling seems like a natural fit for Johnny, so we've been working on how to blow through thousands of dollars in endorsements on a few hands of blackjack, getting drunk and swearing at card dealers and not tipping cocktail waitresses, in addition to his work with the casino group," he added. "But we don't want to rest there. We've stopped paying taxes, which is an easy one, but we're also looking into some local charities we can defraud, and we're talking to some dictators we can associate with to really get 'down and dirty.'"

In addition to the celebrity peer pressure to stop succeeding after retirement, Spillane also cites the years of living under a perfect reputation as motivation for the change in personality and ethics.

"You have no idea how hard it is to be perfect all the time," said Spillane, nearing tears. "The incessant smile, the perfect team leadership, the boyish good lucks--it all wears on you after a while. I want to get more George Thoroughgood--you know, 'b-b-b-bad ... bad to the bone.' That's gonna be me from here on out."

"My crack legal mind has decipherized that Amendment 64, due to marijuana's federal illegalness and the general hippy nature of it, is 100 percent ... unenforceable," said Bigguns. "I don't need any law degree or judgeship or any form of legal standing whatsoever to tell me that. I can see with my own two eyes that Amendment 64 is just hippy-dippy nonsense, so our Sheriff Department will be ignoring it--like it never existed."

Sheriff Bigguns instructed his staff to stop enforcing Amendment 64, which required them to do nothing about marijuana possession and use. Although normally quite fine with doing nothing while on duty, Sheriff Bigguns couldn't stomach the idea of not arresting people for pulling bong tubes in the comfort of their homes.

"I can only do nothing on the job when it doesn't conflict with my deepest moral values," added Bigguns. "Now, as you may recall, before being elected Sheriff due to my lack of drunk drivingness, I led our crack squadron of drug-abuse investigators: ASSHAT. I can't simply forget all of that hippy-arresting training overnight. Besides, the whole thing is unconstitutional."

When confronted with the fact that Amendment 64 is actually in the Colorado State Constitution, often considered the definition of constitutional, Bigguns noted that it wasn't in "his Constitution."

"That's right, I have my own private Constitution that I defer to on all matters," he noted. "And that Amendment 64 crap ain't in my Constitution, and that's the only one that counts here in Routt County. How you like them apples, hippies?"

"It brought a tear to my eye, I can tell you that," said Josey Gales, an 85-year-old North Routt local and regular patron at Hahn's Peak Cathouse, a domesticated snowmobile outfitter and brothel in the area. "I've heard rumors of this 'lost herd,' but I never thought I'd actually see them. When they were gunning it, easily past 60 miles an hour, and so free and unencumbered of men, it reminded me of how the west used to be, when wild snowmobiles roamed all over these parts."

Gales lamented the lost 'wildness' no longer found in the modern era.

"Why does there have to be so much 'progress'?" added Gales, his eyes misting. "Now there's roads everywhere, and schools and healthcare facilities and such. I remember, in the good old days, there'd be nothing out here except the cold snows and a trusty 370-cc Polaris Colt 150 between your legs. And gas was free, just like our souls.

"Now there's all them tourist homos on their 500-pound behemoths with mirrors and hand warmers. Groomed trails and warming huts. It's sad," added Gales. "Where was I going with this?"

"It occurred to me some time during the Winter Carnival Parade that Steamboat may have run out of major anniversaries to celebrate," noted Versary. "And as that's my only job, it also occurred to me that I better get my shit together or I'm going to be out on the street before the end of ski season. I don't think they'll keep a special planner for the mountain's 51st anniversary. And 101 only works if you collect Dalmations."

Ms. Versary presented her list of upcoming major anniversaries to her joint employers, the City of Steamboat Springs and Intracourse, which owns the ski mountain. She highlighted the following events taking place in the next several years:

2014: The 200th Anniversary of Ute-tanasia, a Native American celebration of peaceful living on the wide open spaces that belong to no man (or woman) and which will never be taken away.

2015: The 50th Anniversary of the first reported chairlift blow job on Steamboat.

2016: The 100th Birthday of Billy Kidd (speculated).

2017: The 100th Anniversary of the first time someone said, "Alright, who farted?" when passing the Sulphur Hot Spring.

2018: 150th Anniversary of some redneck getting lost and rescued on Buff Pass.

2019: The 50th Anniversary of a Steamboat tourist buying a "Western hat" that made them look silly.

2020: The 50th Anniversary of things that took place in 1970!

2021: I'm not even trying anymore because if I get this far without being fired I'll be ecstatic.
 

"You can't tell anyone and everyone that there's going to be a flash mob going on," whined Knit Pick, president of IFMSO. "For goodness' sake, they had newspaper articles, public Facebook postings and even microphoned announcers telling everyone, 'OK, let's do that flash mob thing!'"

In IFMSO's report critiquing the Winter Carnival Flash Mob, the dictionary definition of the act was given: A flash mob is a group of people who assemble suddenly in a public place, perform an unusual and seemingly pointless act for a brief time, then quickly disperse. The Winter Carnival featured neither a sudden assembly nor any type of dispersal, according to the report.

"Yes, they had a nice dance with good choreography, but it's just not a flash mob," noted Pick. "I suppose they could call it an 'Organized Dance' or a 'Group Celebration' or even the trendy term 'Smart Mob,' but just not a flash mob. We need standards for these things, or we'll lose the hip cache that's currently eroding faster than favorability numbers for Congress. We're still trying to recover from the flash mob on Modern Family--we can't afford to lose any more coolness."

"I reacted instinctively and began stomping on the bag to put it out, before the building caught on fire," noted Beforehorski. "Of course, it was filled with dog poop. At least I hope it was only dog poop. It got all over my new loafers and my favorite pair of 'Council khakis.'"

Next to the once-flaming bag of poop was a letter created from cutout magazine letters, stating: "This is what will happen if you have to put out your own fires." Police then were called onscene, but their investigation proved short and fruitless.

"There's nothing further we can do," related a chuckling Haley Joel Osment Rae, Steamboat's Chief of Police. "We followed all possible leads, even the crappy ones, and came up with dookie. The case is closed. I'm going to go home now, because I'm pooped," he finished while giggling uncontrollably.

City Council Member Scari Helmetheadski became irate after seeing the poop-stained entrance and her perceived lack of an investigation. She believes the fire department worked with the police department to pull off the caper.

"We know the police were upset that we tried to stick them in the Iron Horse Inn," noted Helmetheadski. "They all complained a lot about getting bed bugs in their patrol cars and having to call that slum home for an undetermined length of time. But we at least cancelled that plan. And then the fire department got pissed when we wrote a letter to Governor Lickenlooper asking him to oppose state collective bargaining rights to our firefighters. But is a poop bomb the proper and mature way to voice your disapproval? I think not."

However, Steamboat Springs Fire Rescue Captain Mike Farce, who not surprisingly favors collective bargaining for he and his co-workers, denied that the fire department had anything to do with the poop bomb.

"Look, we're all a little disappointed in the City Council's recent actions toward the fire and police departments," he said. "I mean, who'd want to work out of the Iron Horse or not be able to bargain for better wages and conditions? But that doesn't mean we'd poop--I mean stoop--to leaving a flaming bag of dung on their building. Such accusations are baseless. That said, it was pretty awesome, wasn't it? Poop bomb ... Too funny." 

"It was epic, dude!" exclaimed Dave Late from Denver's Stapleton area. "The lift lines were way shorter than Breck's, where I normally ski on Saturdays. I only had to wait 20 minutes to catch a chair! That totally made up for the five hours in grueling traffic to get here!

"And the pow-pow was awesome!" he added. "You could really tell that the piles of scraped off snow were 'the goods' at some earlier time in the past!"

After spending most of the week harassing every Denver newspaper and TV and radio station to mention Steamboat's early week powder extravaganza, Intracourse marketers were more than pleased with the massive showing of Denverites on the weekend.

"It was a win/win for us here at Steamboat," noted Annie Waytomakeabuck, head of Intracourse marketing. "We got to ski the huge powder day all to ourselves on Tuesday, and then reaped the financial rewards on Saturday and Sunday when nothing was left but a shell of heavy snow. With these crowds, I couldn't even find a line in the trees that was untracked, so I took off the rest of the day and helped the executive team count all the money that was flying in from those days-late Denver powder trackers."

Several of the Denver citizens polled on the mountain, while waiting in the massive lift lines, couldn't believe they were lucky enough to ski or ride on groomed-over snow that had at one time been a monster powder day most only dream about.

"Someday I'm going to be able to tell my grandkids about the time I skied on the remnants of snow that fell two feet in 24 hours!" noted Dollar Short of Aurora. "It's like seeing a Rolling Stones concert now. Sure, it was probably 200 times better to see them in the '60s or '70s, but it's still being loosely associated with something that used to be awesome!"

Actual Steamboat residents, who ran back to their homes on the weekend after seeing just how many Front Rangers were on the mountain, seemed slightly confused about the mass turnout.

"They do know how a calendar works, right?" wondered Slack McSlackenstein, a lift operator at Morningside, which saw lines reach more than 40 minutes at times. "Tuesday isn't that close to Saturday, much less Sunday. In snow time, that's an eternity. Hell, we track out fresh powder in about 45 minutes around here when all the locals turn out. What did they think four days was going to do? I don't get it."
Regardless, ignorance appeared to be bliss for the out-of-towners.

"Woo hoo! Did you see that face shot I just got?" asked Aurora's Short. "My buddy Steve, he just sprayed me with a ton of snow he scraped off the top of Tomahawk. I need a snorkel just to breath after that! 24 in 24! Several days later!"

"We found that a large percentage of Routt county residents who felt they were depressed or possibly a little 'crazy,' although we prefer not to use that word, realized they weren't mentally unhinged at all after reading the truly crazy nutjobs who leave hundreds of posts on the newspaper Web site," said Sigmund Fraud, chief scientist for SCMH. "It's not a cure-all for the truly insane, but it appears to create a lot of relief for those who may have otherwise classified themselves as mildly depressed or just a little down about themselves."

Scientists at SCMH tested their hypothesis by sampling several members of the community who had still considered themselves mentally unwell in vague ways. This sample set then was exposed to dozens of Web postings on The Pirate & Yesterday comments section and asked to re-evaluate themselves. Almost 95 percent of those subsampled reported that they no longer felt they were crazy at all when confronted with the truly insane blatherings of conspiracy theories, personal and cruel attacks waged against strangers, and general "tin-foil-hat whackiness" found in abundance.

"I quickly realized that my mental problems were inconsequential and downright petty compared to many others out there online," stated Pat Erntest (not her real name). "In fact, those posting were so mentally unhinged that I actually felt really great about myself and threw away the Prozac my doctor had subscribed to me. I've never felt so good about myself in my entire life. Thank you, crazy news-article posters!"

Fraud did note that in a small sample, exposure to the online rantings increased chemical levels of crazatonin, which have been found to increase anger and "the world is ending" fantasies. These patients were immediately placed on 24-hour "Web surveillance" and barred from using any computers connected to the Internet.

"There is definitely a downside to our findings," admitted Fraud. "In rare cases, some patients became worse and exhibited tendencies to engage in the online forum, at which point we terminated any further testing.

"We also were able to convince a few of the regular commenters to come in for testing, and their crazatonin levels were through the roof, so there's room for more study there," added Fraud. "But overall, we at SCMH believe the newspaper Web commenters are a great resource for controlling and reversing mild levels of perceived mental instability."

"We let ourselves go a little in 2012," said City Council Member Sonja Bloomingdales. "Especially toward the holidays. As a group, we ate too many Christmas cookies, drank a little too much egg nog or wine or jello shots, and passed a few too many stupid-ass resolutions and laws. We're going to try to cut down on all of those things."

Specifics of 13-B include a pledge to eat more fruits and vegetables, and there's a rider clause to join a Pilates class and actually go this time. Other initiatives include a promise to quit smoking, with a discretionary budget increase to purchase nicotine patches if necessary, and a vow to spend more time with family. The council voted 5-2 that in-laws do not count as family.

The final resolution tacked onto the resolution was the resolution to stop passing so many stupid-ass resolutions.

"This was in response to a lot of things," noted City Council President Kart Beforehorseski. "I know I introduced a couple of useless budgetary items I'm not too proud of. And the whole fire/police/BAP! thingy has been a mess from the beginning, so we're hoping this last resolution will get us to think twice before we do anything else stupid."

Immediately after Beforehorseski's comment, Council President Pro-Tem Y made a coughing noise that sounded like "Iron Horse," to which much laughter ensued.

However, the council also voted unanimously that none of the elements of 13-B were permanently binding, and there was a good chance they were going to blow off most, if not all, of them within a few weeks, almost certainly by Winter Carnival.

"But I do hope I stick with the Pilates class," added Beforehorseski. "They say that core strength is the foundation of all good legislative bodies. But will there be sweating involved? I really hate sweating. It's gross."

"At first we were very excited to see the old fella re-adopted out of the shelter," noted Sparky as he intermittently licked his balls. "Most dogs his age that are abandoned end up getting the 'Kill Spike' as we call it. So it was real cool that his new owners saved him from extinction. But then they kept doing all these weird things that led us to believe they've never owned a dog before, or perhaps have never actually touched one until now, so we're a little scared for Chief's future."

Loki noted that Chief has lost 15 pounds since being acquired by the new owners, a weight loss the owners call part of his "renovation." Upon being confronted by the neighborhood dogs, Chief's new owners, Jim Crooked and Felonie McFaniel, admitted that they've never actually owned a dog before, but they do have big plans for the animal.

"He just looked so old and sad when we first saw him," said McFaniel. "So we decided we had to adopt him. And once we had him, we were like 'let's make him awesome,' so that's what we've been trying to do lately. He just has so much potential."

In addition to Chief's new low-fat, vegetarian diet, his owners have been taking him on long walks through the neighborhood. But to be as efficient as possible, Crooked drives the family Lexus while McFaniel holds the leash out the window.

"That ain't right," noted Sparky about the twice daily "walking sessions." "I'm an actual dog, and that's not how we do it. It's embarrassing. Chief's owners seem to mean well, but they just don't have a clue as to what they're doing."

Disappointed to hear criticism from the friends of Chief, within two days, Crooked and McFaniel hired an Executive Dog Director who would be in charge of Chief's daily maintenance. According to her resume, the new director, Bamara Bebam, has actually owned dogs before and knows they aren't keen on eating fruits and vegetables or wearing red bandanas across their butts.

"Yeah, they were going to kill Chief if they hadn't hired me," admitted Bebam. "But now I've got him on a regular diet of actual dog food, and I'll make sure Chief gets to do the things he loves. Oddly, besides the usual dog stuff, he really likes to watch movies. It must be something his previous owners did with him before they abandoned him."

Friends of Chief were elated to hear that a handler had been brought in. Loki reported that he saw Chief this morning, and he was half-heartedly chasing a Frisbee that was being tossed in his general direction.

"He was doing real dog stuff, like barking at anything that moved within 200 feet of him and eating poop," added Loki. "I think he's going to make it. Well, at least until he dies soon of old age."

"We're going to see young men and women flocking to Colorado in numbers we haven't seen since the Gold Rush days in the mid-1800s," said Herb L. Bliss, the rapidly named president of a new taskforce dedicated to taking advantage of Amendment 64. "And we want Steamboat to be the first place these people think of when they're looking for a new home to be stoned most of the time in."

Borrowing from Northern California's famed Silicon Valley, which is home to countless young, highly educated entrepreneurs working long hours to successfully create new and useful technologies in the modern world, Steamboat leaders have coined the phrase "Fillabong Valley" to describe and attract the hardcore pot smokers who would be willing to leave wherever they are from in a moment's notice to seek legally available marijuana products.

"We feel we can provide just the right environment for these people," added Bliss. "Real-estate prices have fallen, so they can afford a house to cram 10 or so young adults in--minus the space for a really killer grow room, of course. And our economy is filled with the type of low-paying but only have to work a few hours a day jobs, with no expectations of having to work too hard, that we believe the 'Fillabong Valleyers' are looking for."

Several local business already are planning on joining the Fillabong Valley marketing program and are experiencing a sudden burst in interested employees coming from outside the state. For example, Pop Creek Pizza Co. plans on opening up three new stores after Amendment 64 is approved to ready themselves for the expected increase in demand.

"Our entire business model is based on marijuana," said Saul Sage of Pop Creek Pizza. "From cook to driver to consumer, everybody in the pizza business is high, so we're really excited about the possibilities."

Another business that plans on growing immediately is the Steamboat II Frisbee Golf Association.

"We believe we can grow exponentially in the next year, as Amendment 64 progresses," notes Stoned Walk, president of the association. "Of course, I'm the only employee, and unpaid at that, but still. I'm expecting a lot more interest and a lot more people to throw Frisbees into a chain-dangling metal bucket with."

In contrast with the high-tech and future-creating Silicon Valley, some of Steamboat's financial advisors aren't sure that promoting Fillabong Valley will have the same type of positive economic effect on the area.

"While I'm sure we can attract a lot more young people truly excited and energized about smoking high-grade marijuana," adds Scott Chevy, a local business analyst. "But, unlike Silicon Valley, that's all they're energized about. I think it might be difficult to create the next iPod or whatever when you spend 13 hours a day smoking Grape Kush and playing HALO 4. Sure, we'll get younger, which is good, but I'm not entirely sure these are the types of young people we should be targeting."

This negative sentiment was disputed by Majestic Sunset, a 22-year-old candle maker from Portland who arrived in Steamboat 15 hours after Amendment 64 passed.

"I think the people of Steamboat and Colorado are going to be much better off after word gets around and those of us who dig the herb show up in force," he notes. "This is just the beginning of a grand revolution in positivity and such and being and ... what was the question? Oh, hey, can you give me directions to that new Frisbee golf course? And can I borrow your snowshoes? I'll trade you some weed."

"Rather than sell the emergency-services building for money, and then have to find a place for them to work, we're suggesting that the two entities involved simply swap locations," said Killedkenny Triesagain, a Steamboat city council member and chief architect of the new plan. "BAP Agnes Stinger gets the building they want, and the fire and police people get a cute red building on Oak Street. Everyone wins! Easy peasy lemon squeazy!"

Under the plan, there's no actual cash transaction, so the city council can't take heat for selling the emergency services building for nearly $1 million below its appraised value, removing one of the headaches recently visited upon city council members.

Some critics have claimed that the cute little red house on Oak St. would be insufficient for housing a multi-departmental fire and police station, since it can't even accommodate a few dozen tents and sleeping bags, but proponents of the new plan believe that situation can be remedied by throwing money at the cute little red house.

"We're gonna 'blow the roof off of that place,' literally," added Triesagain. "All we have to do is approve some new zoning and regulations for the property. Then we'll remove the roof and stack on four more houses worth of space, straight up in the air. It'll be the most awesome five-story cute little red house fire and police department anyone has ever seen! Tourists will love it!"

A key element of the plan, which moved several members from against the idea to for its completion, was the thought of firemen racing down a five-story firepole from the barracks on the top floor to the waiting fire engines in the bottom two floors, one of which will shoot down a "Batman-like" ramp from the second story.

"Seriously, how much fun would that be?" asked a giddy Devin Komuniski, one of the council members swayed by the idea of the bitching, high-speed firepole. "The alarm rings, you throw on your pants and go racing down that bad boy at speeds up to, we're estimating, 30 miles per hour! What a rush! I'm thinking of joining the fire department just to be able to do that."

Since the council was planning on spending more than $11 million on a new fire and police campus at the Stockbridge Transit location, they believe they'll have more than enough money to make the necessary enhancements to the existing cute little red house to satisfy those departments' needs.

"Shoot, I bet we could add in a sixth level if we need to, with each floor replicating the cute little red feel of the original structure," added Komuniski. "Except we'll have that bad-ass fire ramp and the unthinkably fun firepole. We believe we can spend about the same amount of money, but have something everyone in the city can get behind and support, without all that negativity we've been reading about in the newspaper. And did I mention it would have a five-story firepole? I bet that's a record!"

"We looked at various successful business models in Steamboat, and the Medical Marijuana sector kept jumping out at us," said Devin Komuniski, a member of City Council in favor of the plan. "In just a few years, those entrepreneurs turned something that previously was illegal into a very profitable and generally well-perceived business. Why not do that with sex?"

Several council members noted that the Iron Horse already has the existing infrastructure needed for a Medical SexCare Facility, including many private rooms with beds, staff to regularly clean the sheets and even showers for those delivering the Medical SexCare services.

"We don't like to use the term 'prostitutes,'" explained Komuniski. "We prefer the term Medical SexCare Provider, which is something else we stole from the pot people."

Those in favor of the proposed plan noted that sexual intercourse has been found in many studies to provide a variety of health benefits, including lower stress levels, greater self-confidence and sometimes the only form of exercise some people willingly engage in.

"Plus, sometimes people just need to get laid to keep from acting like an asshole or a bitch," added City Council member Scari Helmetheadski.

Under the plan, both male and female SexCare Providers would be employed at the Iron Horse, and all of the transactions would be taxed considerably, brining another revenue stream into the city's coffers.

"We basically took the Medical Marijuana system, and replaced the word 'marijauna' with 'sex,'" added Kart Beforehorseski, another council member and proponent of the plan. "The Iron Horse becomes profitable, we have a boom in employment and tourism, and there are a lot of taxes coming in. Shoot, we wouldn't even need to replace the dingy old mattresses in there. What's not to love about this? This is truly taking a lemon and making lemonade at its highest form."

Those critical of the plan noted that prostitution is illegal in Colorado, but that argument was quickly countered.

"Marijuana wasn't legal, and we found a way around that," noted Beforehorseski. "Gambling isn't legal in most places, and certain entities are working hard to change that, so why can't we have SexCare Providers, especially if it's for medicinal purposes. Perhaps there's a list of conditions you need to have to get a Medical SexCare card, like being especially hormonal or too ugly to get laid via conventional means."

This seemingly innocuous campaign, which couldn't possibly be seen as anything offensive toward any particular group of people, has been seen as a slight by Steamboat Springs' other minority communities.

"We would like to know why there has never been a Hispanic Week or an Asian Week," said Carlos Bandana, spokesperson for Steamboat's Hispanic Awareness and Fairness Tribunal (SHAFT). "It's blatant minority favoritism by Goose Dropping. And by minority favoritism, we mean racism, plain and simple."

When contacted by The Pirate & Yesterday about the brewing controversy, Goose Dropping owner Pat Entlyoblivious was shocked that the ad campaign could be construed as targeting the selling of black people.

"Wait ... What?" said Entlyoblivious as she looked over their ad currently running in the paper. "Oh, crap."

After a few moments of silent reflection and not-so-silent cursing of her manager for not pointing out the obvious, the owner insisted that by no means could a black person be purchased at the store, with or without a 20 percent discount. Unfortunately, SHAFT was not deterred in its protest of Goose Dropping Trading Company.

"SHAFT members are once again getting the shaft, so to speak, in Steamboat," added Bandana. "We'd happily accept such a distinction and week of spotlight. We're used to accepting 20 percent less money for our services, so I'm surprised Goose Dropping didn't come looking for a big SHAFT entry into its private sales."

"We're taking the discussion directly to the public," said City Council member Kenny Pleaseman. "We need to cut back on some of the less-used stops, and we don't really have a clue which are the good ones and which are the bad. And since we can't pay for studies anymore, we're taking it to the people to decide."

The Yellow Line has taken fiscal heat lately, as it's about five times more expensive to operate, per passenger. Well-known stops include those at Colorado Medical-Marijuana College (CMMC) and the few people on Hilltop who can't walk down the hill. However, other lesser-known stops also are on the "chopping block."

"It seems there are several stops that, for some reason, aren't attracting a lot of use," added Pleaseman. "So we're working with the Pirate & Yesterday to get some local feedback. If there are any stops that seem unnecessary, please let us know. On the other hand, if there are additional stops we should be making, we'll take that into consideration as well."

Current Yellow Line Stops
The city of Steamboat Springs is asking if any of the current Yellow Line Bus stops should be removed from service or if additional stops should be added. Please post any suggestions in the box below.

As an example of the group's concerns, the letter states that Silver Spur residents "won't even let me put my camper on blocks in the driveway" and "someone got bent out of shape when I nailed a 12-point elk rack to my front door."

Pirate reporters were made aware of the hilarious flyer and spoke with several residents on Purple Sage St., who all seemed to think Citizens for a Less Intrusive Neighborhood was actually just one man, "Crazy Willie," who lives in the lone unkempt lot.

"Yeah, that guy's nuts," said one neighbor who asked to remain anonymous for fear that Willie might poison her cat or just try and speak to her about anything. "So he says he has a 'group', huh? That's pretty funny. You can go talk to him. He lives right over there, the one with all the weeds in the yard. You can still see the holes in the door where we put the antler rack we made him take down. Just don't look him directly in the eye ..."

When The Pirate contacted "Crazy Willie," legally William Loonytunes, the homeowner denied that he was behind Citizens for a Less Intrusive Neighborhood, but added that they "sounded like a damn smart group with some good ideas." He said he agreed with several of the group's points, including that it was a major hassle to live in Silver Spur, because all the "uppity neighbors have all these rules about what you can have in your yard and stuff."

He said that if the group that he has no association with were to succeed in annexing his street to Steamboat II, he'd be "happier than a June bug in late May," as Steamboat II has no rules about what residents can do whatsoever.

"It's like a libertarian utopia over there in Steamboat II," added Loonytunes. "I saw one house had two campers and three snowmobiles in the driveway, and an extra brokedown camper in the back, behind the house. And another had a broken-down car in the yard so long, plants were growing out of it. Now that's my kind of place."

The Pirate also wrote several questions to the email address submitted on the original flyers, getouttamyfacesilverspur@hotmail.com">getouttamyfacesilverspur@hotmail.com. When asked why the group didn't just sell their homes and move to Steamboat II, where properties were available, the group responded with "I like my house, just not my neighborhood or neighbors. Besides, it would be a real pain in my ass to move. It'd be a lot easier just to get the government or whatever to sign off on putting the street in a whole new neighborhood and changing all the post office stuff and tax crap and whatever so I can put more junk in my front yard. And if that doesn't work, Plan B is to create a new neighborhood with just one house. We'll call it Steamboat III, and whoever lives there can do anything they damn please."

"The new academic center will also contain a state-of-the-art Grow Room," announced Campus President Pieder Piper. "To comply with our LEED silver certification, the grow room will, of course, be Energy Star rated."

With the fall 2011 introduction of a four-year degree in Sustainability Studies, the college began offering courses in sustainable agriculture, ecology and natural-resource management, and sustainable business.

"Students repeatedly raised concerns about the damage caused by unauthorized marijuana farming in our national forests," said sustainability professor Sandy Moss. "Obviously we are not in a position to influence the practices of the Mexican drug cartels. However, one of our mission goals is to make the education we provide relevant to our students. To that end, this year we are expanding our curriculum to provide students with the background to educate people on the proper, sustainable way to grow marijuana."

Recognizing the potential for cross-pollination with the four-year Business Administration degree, CMC contracted with local dispensary Hydro for Health. The dispensary will share expertise in proper grow-room design and team-teach a course in local entrepreneurship with CMC faculty.

"We are excited to acknowledge our partnership with Colorado Mountain College in a more public, legitimate way," noted Joe Notsinhaelen, partner at Hydro for Health.

"Powder Haze: A Day in the Life at a Ski Town" is a multimedia musical comedy featuring a cast of ski bums, including Snowman, Rocky, Dude and Hardcore, as they work through the daily struggles of ski mountain life. From living by powder reports to the constant battle against tourists, those who have "real jobs," and redneck law enforcement, nothing is off limits. And thanks to new medicinal laws, the lifestyle really is a Powder Haze.

Of course, the crew is shocked and, frankly, scared to death, when events force them to move to ... Boulder? Can they adapt? Will they survive? Will they be forced to slackline? And will their medical cards be transferrable?

This must-see show will be playing at the Dairy Performance Space at 2590 Walnut St. Show times are Thursday, August 23, at 5:00 p.m. (a 2-for-1 performance); Friday, August 24, at 9:30 p.m.; and Saturday, August 25, at 6:00 p.m. and 9:30 p.m. Tickets are only $10 ($8 for students and seniors)!

Tickets can be purchased online at https://www.ticketturtle.com/index.php?show=28396 or by finding our show at www.boulderfringe.com. The Fringe Main Box Office is located at "Fringe Central": Folsom Street Coffee House, 1795 Folsom St., Boulder, CO 80302 (corner of Folsom & Canyon), where you can purchase Frequent Fringer Passes and merchandise, buy tickets and much more.

Powder Haze Schedule

Dairy Performance Space
2590 Walnut St.

Thursday, August 23, 5:00 p.m. (2-for-1 show)
Friday, August 24, 9:30 p.m.
Saturday, August 25, 6:00 p.m.
Saturday, August 25, 9:30 p.m.

However, the group needed to take some baby steps before leaving its beloved home, so it scheduled a one-time performance in Steamboat Springs on Saturday, August 18, at 8 p.m. But in order to get their coddled and insecure prima donna performers out of their comfort zones, the show will be held, for the first time ever, at the outdoor stage in Gondola Square (buy tix here or at All That Jazz in Steamboat).

"It's about damn time those kids got out of my basement and tried to do something with their lives," said Gaia Pirate, the mother whose basement was a comfortable haven to Pirate Theatre for so many years. "Most of them are grown men and women, yet the idea of doing something outside of Steamboat had them pissing in their knickers."

Brian Harvey, head of Pirate Theatre and lead knicker pisser, admitted that this was a big step for the quasi-famous-in-Steamboat group.

"We've gotten comfortable being relatively big fish in this tiny little pond that is Steamboat Springs," said Harvey. "But we woke up one day and said, 'Dammit, let's go be tiny-ass little minnows in a much bigger pond ... and try not to get eaten whole and crapped out the back.' Wait? Why are we doing this?"

Although being in Boulder for four days, surrounded by freaky artists and hippies, is enough to scare any self-respecting Steamboater, Pirate Theatre further turned up the danger level by agreeing to do an outdoor show in a part of the world known for afternoon thunderstorms and audiences prone to be really drunk by 8 p.m. on a Saturday night.

"Performing the show in front of hundreds of strangers in Boulder should be a piece of cake compared to a giant crowd of boozed and surly Steamboaters who expect us to make them laugh every 14 seconds," added Harvey. "And I've already spent all the ticket money from that show on my new moped, which you may have seen me carousing around town on, so if that performance rains out, I'm screwed."

"You did what with the money?" asked Todd Danielson, lead writer for the show who was silently listening, right behind Harvey. "Great. Better bring your parkas then, people, as the show will go on even if there's a monsoon out there. Can I take the moped out for a spin? I'm feeling very European today ..."

The outdoor show is part of the All Arts Festival taking place in Steamboat from Aug. 16-19, 2012, the first time Pirate Theatre has joined the program.

"They say 'All Arts,'" noted Harvey. "So I guess we qualified in some capacity."

According to PETCRAP, the chickens at Flatirons Farms are living under "forced enslavement" and are unable to choose if they'd like to stay at the farm or go elsewhere, making it impossible to call them "free-range chickens."

"These adorable, powerful birds can't just take off and leave, as they have lost the ability to fly somewhere along the evolutionary ladder," noted Barry N. Nutslonly, one of PETCRAPs "Guardians of the Flock." "So they're stuck at this farm, living their mundane lives, waiting to be executed, plucked, fried and served to some bloodthirsty Neanderthal. It breaks my heart."

The farm's owner, Constance Poopsmell, claims that Flatiron Farms abides by all the regulations that allow her birds to be considered "free range," and that chickens are the stupidest damn animals in the world.

"I wonder if anyone over at PETCRAP has actually spent more than a few minutes with a bunch of chickens," said Poopsmell. "Even given all the room in the world, all they want to do is hide and cluck and eat and crap. They have the same intellectual capacity as a trout. Their lives would be just as unmemorable if they lived in cages, but I give them the proper amount of land to walk on, because Whole Paycheck Foods pays me three times what regular grocery stores will pay."

Undaunted by Poopsmell's declarations of legality, PETCRAP plans on holding a candle-light vigil at the gates of Flatiron Farms until all the chickens are "set free to walk the Earth as Mother Nature intended them to."

"Yeah, sure, I'll just let them walk out the door," noted Poopsmell. "They'd last about five minutes before every dog, coyote and fox within 20 miles tore them to shreds. That's a great plan. I hope PETCRAP brought a lot of candles."

"We want to stress that this new law, like the camping law, doesn't single out homeless people," said Boulder Mayor Matt Cherrybomb. "It singles out people who don't have any money, and if that group is predominantly homeless, that's just a coincidence."

The new law created a Panhandling Permit Board, which will oversee who is allowed to panhandle on the lucrative Pearl Street locations and surrounding streets. To obtain a legal permit, prospective panhandlers must provide legal documentation showing proof of, for example, timely mortgage payments, car ownership, full paid tuition at a college or prep school, an investment portfolio with sufficient funds or a medical marijuana card. A complete list of acceptable documentation can be found at the board's Web site at www.changeforweed.com.

"There are certain types of panhandlers who are a boon for local tourism, such as the guy who can tell you the ZIP Code of where you live or the dark-skinned fella' who can fit his whole body into a little box," added Cherrybomb. "Plus, we didn't want a legal hassle from the wealthy parents of CU students who just need a little extra money for drugs.

"We felt that this new law eliminates the undesirables, while maintaining the eclectic feel of Boulder panhandling that this community has spent decades developing," he added. "And, again, this isn't aimed toward ridding ourselves of the damned homeless. At all."

The new law will be strictly enforced by Boulder City Attorney Tom Carrtyuhofftojail, well-known for his kindly attitudes toward hippies and the homeless. Anyone caught panhandling without the required permit will be given a $100 fine, which is the same as for a "camping" violation. Anyone unable to pay the fine, such as, say, the homeless, can either spend a night in jail or hop on a train headed out of town with their belongings wrapped up in a bandanna on a stick.

And to promote the store's commitment to providing nothing but healthy, natural ingredients, the cyclists will be monitored 24/7 to make sure they aren't genetically modified or injected with any steroids or other performance enhancers.

"If we expect our cows to be 100 percent natural, we think it's paramount that we expect the same from our cyclists," said Sue Stainable, Alfalfie's vice president of marketing. "Not only will our team be certified organic and grass-fed, but we're only going to use local athletes, so precious resources aren't wasted in transporting our cyclists to the race."

Monitoring its cyclists will be difficult, as Alfalfie's will require drug testing that's 1,150 percent more stringent than what's currently used in all the major cycling events worldwide. In addition to logistical complications in such rigorous testing and monitoring, there may be other difficulties inherent in maintaining such a drug-free team.

"We're probably gonna suck," admitted Stainable. "In fact, we're almost definitely going to come in last. However, we will have the only cyclists in the event that Boulderites would eat, and we think that's what really counts."

"Because we don't actually have an Olympian onboard yet, we settled on the name of Three Men and an Olympian, just to let the public know that, at some point, we will have an Olympian on our side," said Hayden developer Haagen Daas, one of the Three Men in the title. "We've been in contact with several ski jumpers, some bumpers and one aspiring basket weaver, should that ever become an Olympic sport, but no takers so far. We're also looking into some 16-year-old girl who should make the Olympics, if we can convince her parents that being the spokesperson for a Roman Coliseum and Orgyhouse is the right move for a 16-year-old girl."

Currently, the plan is purely speculative, as the developing group still needs to cross several legal and business hurdles. Three Men and an Olympian have a project checklist that currently numbers 17 specific requirements they'd need to create the Coliseum and Orgyhouse, of which they've accomplished zero.

"There's a lot we still need to do," admitted Daas. "But most of those things should be easy to acquire, like purchase a ton of land for super cheap, get an American Indian tribe to put their reputation and innate gaming management skills to use, get several towns to buy into a morally corrupt entertainment service, enact the legalization of gladiators fighting to the death, legalize prostitution in Routt County, get the Governor and President Obama to sign off on it, and lure Wayne Newton away from Las Vegas with a promise of free food from the Thru-Way Bar. But we're confident we can get these things, and about a dozen more near-impossibilities done, because we will have an Olympian on our team, at some point.

"We do have an awesome artist's rendering of what the Coliseum and Orgyhouse would look like, and it's awesome!" added Daas. "And we paid someone to say a Coliseum and Orgyhouse will bring a shitload of money to all the surrounding communities, so we're pretty much on track to start developing in three months."

The developers held a special meeting to introduce the project, which was held at the Hayden Fairytale Grounds. However, the crowd that was gathered promptly left to boos and disappointment when it was announced that there was no actual Olympian at the meeting.

"They said there'd be someone from the 'Lypmics," noted Thru-Way Bar resident Lou Informationvoter. "I ain't takin' nothin' seriously from them 'til they have a 'Lympian telling me how cool it would be. I assumed these clowns knew that fact. I assumed wrong."

The Group then promised a new, upcoming meeting, at which point they would unveil their sought-after Olympian, and thereby guarantee the support from the surrounding populace, which is what Olympians do.

The change of parental classification from guardians to companions of their children will have far-reaching consequences. As part of the new ordinance, if parents refuse to give their children money when asked by them, they can face up to six months in the county jail and a $500 fine.

Boulder City Council Member Tim Plass stated at Monday night's meeting, "By passing this law, we are altering the master/servant relationship between parents and children that has prevailed for far too long in this community."

In response to Plass' comments, Randall Farkin, a Boulder parent critical of the proposed change, stated, "Master/servant relationship, are you on drugs? 99.8% percent of the children in this community are already spoiled little shits, my own children included. All you are doing is giving the inmates control over the asylum. "

In response to such criticism, Susan Anders, president of Defense of Children (CDA), an advocacy group based out of San Francisco and a driving force behind the new law, stated, "Let's be real about this. It is not like any parent in Boulder has any actual control over their children anyway. It is a well-known fact that by the time children in this community are old enough to talk; their parents are already trying to ingratiate themselves as their child's best friend. By the time they are teenagers, the children dictate virtually every decision the family makes."

One Boulder mother of two high-school-aged children agreed with Ms. Katz, stating, "I spend most of my weekdays driving my kids to wherever they tell me they need to go. Then, on the weekends, all they do is demand money so they can go do whatever it is they do. When I ask why they need $500 for 'the movies,' they just roll their eyes. It's the same response when I find them at home with their friends drinking and shooting-up heroin. All this law does is codify the reality we have been living in for the past 15 years."

Anders believes that the change in parental status to companions represents a gradual shift away from child abuse and exploitation embedded in much of our culture.

"The idea is to shift the paradigm, to alter the mindset of people and society," she says. "As parents start to view their children not as something they need to protect, educate and help guide their challenges of life, but as life companions to have fun and party with, the next generation will grow up not viewing children as property available for exploitation."

In Anders' view, this will hopefully begin a massive cultural consciousness shift that will result in America's children being less self-centered, entitled and spoiled brats. "If the past 30 years has taught us anything, it is that the more we empower and befriend our children, the more successful they are as adults."

Yet not all Boulder parents share Anders' optimisms about the effects of the law change. One Boulder father who asked to remain anonymous, because he feared ostracism from other Boulder parents, stated, "This is patently the most cockamamie piece of legislation ever passed by the Boulder City Council. It is hard enough trying to raise semi-normal and well-adjusted children in this town without giving them complete legal authority to disregard everything we say. What is the City Council going to do next? Make a law determining that I am companion of my pet dog?"

Anders quickly pointed out that Boulder City Council passed an ordinance in 2000 which changed the status of a pet owner from guardian to companion.

"Due to the June close of C-hole and the low water level, kayakers are poaching water features in Dakota Ridge and other luxury communities," reports Sergeant Sal Silly.

One Dakota Ridge resident told the pilot, "I've had to call the police department at least once a week to remove trespassers. We have a beautifully constructed stream running through our property. I guess it's equivalent to a class II river experience."

It's not only kayakers who are angering residents of these private communities, but fishing enthusiasts as well. Said one irate resident of Storm Mountain Ranch, "Koi are not fish that respond well to catch and release."

The Lighted Man, a longtime tradition of the town's Winter Carnival fireworks celebration, won't be allowed to shoot off his trademark roman candles, as they would violate current fire restrictions, but his entire suit of blinky lights will be powered up and flashing. Organizers are hoping that this lightshow, enhanced by having The Lighted Mass flung up and down from a blanket as many times as volunteers can take, will satisfy the visual desires of locals and tourists on Independence Day.

"OK, so it's not ideal," admitted Steamboat City Council President Kart Beforehorseski. "But it will be safe. There's very little chance of The Lighted Man sparking a forest fire that burns down half of Steamboat, which was pretty much our only request. And he is a Steamboat icon--whatever that says about our town."

The move culminates a difficult few weeks for all of those involved in the traditional 4th of July fireworks celebration. After announcing that the fireworks had to be cancelled for fear of being forever known as "the jackasses who lit Steamboat on fire," City Council and the various authorities involved in the festival weighed several alternatives before settling on a hoisted grown man in a suit of LEDs.

"We looked at erecting a giant TV screen four hundred feet in the air, and showing a replay of last year's fireworks," noted Beforehorseski, "but the budget was several million dollars short on that one. Someone also suggested dropping huge buckets of confetti from a helicopter, but the only such aircraft are a little busy fighting forest fires, so requesting one of them to drop colored paper on tourists seemed a little inappropriate.

"But The Lighted Man apparently was available," he added. "After he checked his fake calendar and found no fake conflicting appointments, he agreed to be the centerpiece of our celebration. After that, it was just a matter of quilting together a big-ass blanket to chuck him up in the air."

The "Freak Flinger," as the giant blanket has become named, was built by local outdoors business ZAP! The company normally is busy manufacturing tents and sleeping bags, but with the fire ban at most Colorado camping grounds, and few people willing to camp in the dark and cold, ZAP! has been faced with a lot more free time than hoped.

Also chipping in with the improvised celebration is a hastily scheduled Beatles tribute band, which promised to modify and play such favorites as "Help!" and "Loonie in the Sky with Lights On" during the man tossing.

The Lighted Man himself, Smoky Stanks, was excited about his impending aerial maneuvers, although he admitted that practices haven't gone as planned.

"I keep getting dumped on my ass," noted Stanks. "We get two or three good heaves in there, which are fun, but then one side gets lazy and I go flying off in that direction. It's a lot less painful crashing in the snow. But it's a light show people want, so a light show they'll get."

"There's no question our marketing has worked," said Lili Von Shtupp, head of Steamboat marketing. "We've got robbery at gunpoint, shootings at saloons, alcohol-fueled horseback rides through bars and markets, cows in the streets, and maybe even a casino opening up. You can't walk around town anymore, which should be done very, very carefully these days, without feeling like you're at the OK Corral. It's a true Western Town now--circa 1849, of course. Shoot, we've even got someone named very similarly to Billy The Kid as our chief spokesperson."

Unfortunately, not everyone in town is so enthusiastic to returning to Pioneer Days and ways.

"I know we're supposed to be this skiing cow town, or whatever," noted longtime local Hedley Lamarr. "But this is ridiculous. What's next? Gun duels at high noon? 'Wanted Dead or Alive' signs at the post office? Whorehouses on Lincoln? Actually ... I'd be OK with the whorehouses. The dating scene here sucks."

But according to local law enforcement and some political representatives, these latest crime sprees are just what Steamboat Springs needs: a return to "traditional values."

"As you can see from my facial hair, this handsome throwback to earlier, better times, I'm a big supporter of returning to the mid-19th century," stated Republican Colorado House Representative Dandy Longgarter. "This fits in with many of my party's philosophies, which are mainly to do away with the last 150 years or so. So I'd say we're right on track."

Steamboat's Sheriff Starrett Bigguns concurred. "These are very exciting times for the Sheriff's Department," he noted. "I've been practicing busting through saloon doors and firing on evil-doers and pot smokers for some time, and it looks like I'm finally going to be able to put all of that practice to good use. Plus, my mustachio, much like Dandy's, is perfect for this Western shootout theme."

The Sheriff's department recommends that citizens of Steamboat shutter their doors and stay inside at all times, especially the womenfolk. He noted that the "rough and tumble" men of his department will be ambling through town, keeping the peace with their trusted Colt 45's, carrying a half-filled brown bottle of whiskey in the other hand, smoking those cool-looking little cigars that Clint did in many of his movies. And for the foreseeable future, all police vehicles will be traded in for horses, until the dust has settled.

"It's 'The Good, the Bad and the Ugly' around here right now, and I get to play one of the starring roles," finished Bigguns. "It's beyond my wildest dreams. God bless our marketing department! Yeee hawwww!!!!"

"When Parks and Wildlife allowed 'limited hunting' of these construction cranes, they failed to take into account that the cranes often travel in packs or 'crews,'" noted Ryg Watcher, head of CVL. "It seems to me, and many other 'crane heads,' that the hunting of a few construction cranes scared off the entire species, as we can't find them anywhere in Steamboat anymore."

The environmental group noted that a lack of construction cranes in Steamboat has had a trickle-down effect on a wide variety of people and businesses--effects that may not have been thought of when the hunting permits were handed out.

"Parks and Wildlife may not have realized this, but it wasn't just about people like me wanting to look at the beautiful construction cranes through our binoculars," added Watcher. "It turns out that it's very difficult to build major real-estate projects without these beautiful creatures. As an unintended consequence, it seems that the construction and real-estate professions have been just as decimated as the cranes by this reckless hunting."

During the latest public meeting, crane scientists noted that the only verified local spotting of a construction crane was seen near the newly opened WalSheens drug and pornography store, but since WalSheens is considered an invasive species and not a natural dweller in Steamboat Springs, it didn't count. Someone also noted that a construction crane briefly roosted at the Ski Howme sporting goods store, but it just held a large bike aloft for some unknown reason and didn't actually do any constructing, so it, too, didn't count in the scientists' official tallies.

The scientists also noted that because the "natural checks and balances of nature" were disrupted by the hunting, a lack of cranes has resulted in a ten-fold explosion of underemployed real-estate agents. Surprisingly, Colorado Parks and Wildlife agreed that the real-estate agent population has unnaturally exploded and could pose a threat to other wildlife species, so the division is hoping to soon introduce hunting licenses that would allow sportsmen and sportswomen to "harvest" 100-150 real-estate agents each year.

Such news was readily welcomed by the local hunting population, which considers real-estate agents "good eats" due to their typically sedentary and well-fed lifestyles. In fact, the news was welcomed by everyone except the actual agents themselves.

"Our family can survive on a typical Coldwell Banker agent for up to a month," noted Redd Meat, a hunter living near Clark, Colo. "We call Coldwells the 'filet mignon' of the real-estate agent species."

Although no previous speaking engagements at the Serfdom Conference featured a fierce marauder known for bloodshed and nearly sacking Constantinople (now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople) and Rome, Attila is expected to serve the same goal, which, according to Steamboat Mental Institute co-founder and vice chairman Rich R. Achin, is to "get liberals panties in a bunch and possibly make them wet their lily livered pants."

Like former speakers whom have written books titled "Unhinged: Exposing Liberals Gone Wild," "Culture of Corruption: Obama and His Team of Tax Cheats, Crooks, and Cronies," "Treason: Liberal Treachery from the Cold War to the War on Terrorism," and "Demonic: How the Liberal Mob Is Endangering America," Attila is expected to use the forum to promote his upcoming posthumous memoir, "Europeans Are a Bunch of Pussies whom I Whizzed on as I Slaughtered them by the Thousands."

It's unclear if the keynote will be delivered by an impersonator or if The Steamboat Mental Institute has managed to resurrect the Hunnic king. Achin only responded coyly that he does possess "certain dark powers granted by My Master than can perform unspeakable atrocities against the world. And by My Master I mean Money, in case you thought I was talking about the Devil."

Due to the high profile and deadness of this year's speaker, and to satisfy Attila's unquenchable thirst for raw meats, ale and women, tickets for the event have been raised to $25,000 if purchased by June 25, at which point seats will cost $30,000. For a "tribute" of $50,000, VIP tickets can be acquired, which include one pre-battle feast and a horseback viewing of Attila's army as it burns and pillages this year's Routt County Democrat annual fundraiser picnic behind the Steamboat Community Center.

"Where else but at the Serfdom Conference can you find right-wing luminaries who are skilled at hurling venom and/or spears at our liberal enemies?" added Achin. "So if you want to hear some good ol' fashioned liberal bashing, and possibly see some real bashing this year, come on up to Serfdom Conference. But be sure to make sure your will is up to date, as Attila has been known to lop off the head of those who ask him stupid questions or make direct eye contact."

The stranded and hot-footed tourists were instructed to carefully unbuckle their partially melted boots, while not touching the intensely hot paver stones, as search and rescue helicopters were called in. Ropes were dropped to the stranded skiers and snowboarders, who were then airlifted a few dozen feet to safety.

"It was a perfect rescue," noted the lead helicopter pilot, Mav R. Rick. "We had to prioritize the snowboarders, as their softer boots, although more comfortable, melt much faster when placed over blazing-hot bricks. Some of them were picked up just in the nick of time, before we started frying some little piggies right there by the gondola."

Officials from Intracourse, which owns the ski area, were unsure how the new and highly promoted warmed promenade malfunctioned so spectacularly.

"We believe there was an error in someone's math somewhere," admitted Brick Tamland, Intracourse's chief engineer of Warmed Winter Walkways. "I'm not entirely sure how you add an extra 5 to the temperature. And I'm not sure how we even got that much heat there. I'll have to check the engineering documents to see if someone added in rocket fuel or something like that. But someone, somewhere, seriously screwed up some math."

As the boots were permanently welded to the promenade, it's believed the entire walkway will have to be scrapped and replaced at an estimated cost of $2.3 million. To pay for the miscue, Steamboat Season Pass holders will see their annual rates rise to $19,999 for the 2012-2013 season.

"Costs have to be passed on to someone," added Tamland. "And everyone around here knows who that someone always is. It sure as heck isn't going to be Intracourse."

"It's obvious that Ullr was pleased with the rate hike," noted Floryn Fasten, Intracourse spokesperson. "It's too much of a coincidence that just two days after the announcement, Steamboat was hit with 27 inches of perfect powder in 24 hours. Ullr rewarded us for our aggressive profiteering. Everyone knows what a fan of capitalism he's always been."

In accordance with Ullr's wishes, says Fasten, Intracourse will continue it's pricing increases indefinitely as long as it continues to snow in the Yampa Valley.

"We're looking to create a cost-to-snow pricing scheme, but we're going to raise the costs first, and then assume the snow will follow, which is exactly what happened, so we know it will continue to happen over and over," added Fasten. "If we have to raise ticket prices all the way to $125, or more, we'll do that if that's what Ullr wants. There's no limit to what we'll charge if it will bring more huge powder days. Who's going to argue with that logic?"

The Pirate staff tried to get Ullr's comments on the new pricing strategy, via the usual method of creating a huge bonfire made with old Hart bump skis and dancing around shirtless like an idiot, but Ullr failed to appear or make any statement on his involvement in the recent epic snowfall. Intracourse attended the ritual, noting that because more snow continued to fall, Ullr wanted the prices to go even higher.

The Pirate also tried to contact the man responsible for the original price hike, Lucky Bastard, but he said he was busy "thanking his lucky stars" for the huge snowfall that saved his ass. Members of his family did note anonymously that the nasty emails he was receiving seemed to have stopped, but they can no longer find the family cat, which they believe was sacrificed by Mr. Bastard to please Ullr and bring the snow that will temporarily keep him from being the most hated man in Steamboat.

Bastard also refused to comment on the "cat situation," but did note that blood sacrifices sometimes have to be made in the name of face shots and throat-choking powder runs.

"Frankly, we were all shocked at the unfriending on Facebook," noted Jim Crooked, head of the now confusingly named group. "We had been 'liking' all of The Chiefs obnoxious posts for years, even the overly cutesy YouTube videos and the 'spiritually uplifting' crap, and then it goes and unfriends us. I can't even send it personal messages any more. It's devastating."

The Chief refused to comment publicly on its social-media attack, only stating in a cryptic Wall post that "The Friends of the Chief are no friends of mine." Pirate reporters attempted to 'Friend' the outdated theater, but the requests have gone unaccepted as of press time.

Some of those close to The Chief, and still its friends on Facebook, speculated that The Chief was feeling used by the group seeking to purchase it and renovate it into a profit-making multipurpose entertainment venue.

"The Chief likes being a second-rate movie theater," noted Betty Davis, who regularly posts wisdom such as "Saw Saw VI at The Chief! The special effects were especially mediocre on the little screen!" Davis believes The Chief will be better off without these "so-called friends" who "were merely looking to get their names in the paper as do-gooders for the community when they were really just out to make money off of The Chief's mildly good name."

The former Friends of the Chief said they were going to give The Chief "some space" before they retaliated on the social media forum, but they did indicate that all responses were being considered.

"We're looking into creating a 'The Chief Sucks' Facebook page," noted Crooked. "But we don't want to rush into any rash decisions. We're Friends on a lot of cool Facebook pages still, like the Twilight one and the Taylor Swift fan page, and we don't want to be 'unfriended' on those as well, so it's a touchy situation right now."

"It's just amazing what an outpouring we've received from the community of Hayden," noted the former and now current owner, Drinka Pourem. "I guess having the ExpressWay Bar open and serving booze and greasy food to customers really struck a chord to all those in town with nothing better to do. And that's most of us, it appears!"

Although happy for the reversed fortunes of the bar that was closing, neighboring business owner Emma Ployment was bittersweet as she hammered wood boards across the windows of her now shuttered business, Emma's Temporary Employment Services.

"Yeah, I guess I just don't get it," opined Ployment. "I was here for eight months, trying to help those who were without a job to stay on their feet through tough times. I had lined up several potential jobs looking for clerical services, semi-manual labor, even a couple that were semi-professional with a good chance for upward employment, but I couldn't get anyone to walk through that door. And I announced a month ago that I was probably going to have to close, but no one seemed to care.

"I guess what I was offering, a paycheck to help pay the mortgage or utility bills, just isn't as important to the town of Hayden as a place to get a Coors, or 10, and a cheeseburger," she added. "So I'll just get back to closing up the store, by myself, without any help. I'm sure I just don't get Hayden, not having lived here my entire life and just wanting to help those in a small, struggling town. Good for the ExpressWay Bar, though. It's good to see a community show support for itself, regardless of what I'd call a disturbing lack of priorities ..."

Ployment's unfortunate situation was not completely lost on the community of Hayden, as Barney Gumble, a perpetual fixture of the ExpressWay Bar, stumbled upon Ms. Ployment as she was hanging up her "Closed" sign for the last time. After apologizing for stepping on Ms. Ployments hand when he really did stumble on her, Gumble offered to buy her a beer at the re-opened bar next door.

"I haven't had a job for 13 years, so I know what that woman's going through," noted Gumble. "It's tough around here. I couldn't find a job of any kind in this town for a really long time, and it seems like there's no one around trying to fix that. It's too bad. But I've found that all of those problems go away if you drink enough, so I wanted to help her out and buy her a cold one. She's also pretty hot for Hayden, so I thought maybe she'd take me home tonight if I got her drunk enough. I can't afford heat, so it's pretty cold at my place during the winter."

"The new Steamboat stage brings the perfect combination of stage size, music quality and finger-numbing cold," writes Cold Skier Magazine's entertainment editor, Hanz R. Blue. "We found no other venue that could match it. And some matches would've been nice, as I froze my keister off listening to some mediocre Texas Red Dirt band slightly rocking it onstage in winter parkas and fingerless gloves."

The venue also was praised for attracting a standing-room only crowd, although some points were deducted because the only way to attend the concerts and not have to pay outrageous beer prices from nearby restaurants is by standing.

"With everyone standing, it makes it easier to huddle together and develop some much-needed body heat from fellow concert-goers," added Blue. "There's nothing that says 'neighborly atmosphere' like nuzzling up to some strangers and trying to discretely stick your hands up their parka to keep the feeling in your fingers when the sun goes down behind the buildings at 3 p.m."

Although Steamboat's latest entertainment venue took North America's top award, Blue was quick to note that it wouldn't even make the top-10 list of Sub-Zero entertainment venues worldwide.

"The Russians really set the standard for ice-cold concerts," noted Blue. "I've watched an entire orchestra play a Mussorgsky symphony in temperatures that reached -25 degrees. And they don't mess around with gloves or even coats. Those Russians are some tough SOBs. There are also some top-notch venues in Iceland, including the famous Musical Igloo, which I believe U2 played at in 1983 as they were building their careers. Bono's hair actually froze and starting breaking off from the cold while he belted out Sunday Bloody Sunday. It was magical."

During an emergency preliminary hearing requested by ASSHAT in the middle of the night in order to have Mr. Burner locked up and "removed from the streets before he lawyers up, goes free and then kills innocent children," the defendant pleaded not guilty in front of a visibly upset-to-be-woken Judge Mike O'Hunt. Burner stated that he committed no crime, the sting was so poorly executed that it was beyond ridiculous, and he was just messing with the badly disguised officer.

To refute Burner's testimony, Sheriff and Lead ASSHAT Starrett Bigguns released an audio transcription from the recorded sting operation, which he said provided iron-clad proof of Burner's guilt.

TRANSCRIPTION BEGINS

ASSHAT: Hey, holmes! Whatchou doin'?

Burner: Ummm ... Are you talking to me?

ASSHAT: Of course, man, I'm talkin' to you. You just looked cool, you know what I mean, homie? You cool, right?

Burner: Sure. I'm cool. But why are you talking like Cheech? You're clearly not Hispanic, and that mustache of yours is starting to fall off.

ASSHAT: Oh, that's just from the medication I'm on, holmes. Makes my mustachio fall out if I take too much. Crazy, huh?

Burner: Yeah, you're real crazy. Why are you holding your cell phone up in front of my mouth?

ASSHAT: Oh, I'm just trying to take a picture of the mountains behind you, holmes. They're so byoo-ti-ful. But it's not working right, so I'm just gonna hold it by your mouth until it starts taking pictures, OK, homie?

Burner: Yeah, sure. And for fun, I'll just talk right into it for you.

ASSHAT: That'd be sooo cool of you, man. Just for fun, right?

Burner: Right. So what can I do for you officer--I mean, cool Hispanic-sounding fun guy?

ASSHAT: Yeah, man. I'm just looking to score some of that loco weed. You know, mar-i-ja-wahna. You got some you can sell me?

Burner: Drats! I forgot my big backpack full of pot today. What was I thinking? I'm afraid I can't help you out, sir.

ASSHAT: Aw, don't call me sir, dude. I'm just a cool cat like you trying to score some Mary Jane. You sure you can't help a junkie like me out?

Burner: No, I'm afraid I'm all out of the weed today. But I do know somebody who might. You see that homeless guy who just walked into the library? I'm pretty sure he has some pot to sell you. That's how he can afford that big nothing that he has.

ASSHAT: So you're saying you know someone who has some marijuana?

Burner: Sure ... I'll say it: I know someone who has some marijuana, but I'm pretty sure that's not a crime here -

ASSHAT: Der Fuhrer, this is Puff Daddy! It's a GO! I repeat, Operation Bust Stoney is a GO!!!

Burner: Bust Stoney? Did you just call someone Der Fuhrer? What the hell--

Various ASSHATS: Freeze burnout! We've got you now! And don't even try to ditch your stash. We've got you surrounded with 15 ASSHATS!

END OF TRANSCRIPTION

Upon reading the transcript, Judge O'Hunt threw out the case and, for the fifth time this year, threatened to arrest every ASSHAT if they got him out of bed for another bogus drug bust like this.

"You can't stop us from doing what we do," countered Bigguns. "I'm an ASSHAT! And all of my crew are certified ASSHATs! You'll never be able to take that away from us!"

"I've never bween hunting befwore," admitted Fudd. "And there was so much commotion with those two cwazy cwarachters welling at each other. I think the wabbit twicked the kywotee and got him to well 'kywotee season!' And ... well ... I shot my gwuide. I'm sworry."

Routt County Underwear Sheriff Gray Perch was unsure if the Sheriff's Office would file charges of careless hunting against Mr. Fudd, although it was clear that not all safety measures were taken by the hunting party.

"At first, we were quite alarmed at how a hunter could mistake his guide for a coyote," added Perch. "You know, there's usually a huge difference between a 170-pound man walking upright and a 30-pound dog-like creature walking on all fours. So we were ready to arrest Mr. Fudd for negligence or drunkenness or something. But when we found out the guide was an actual coyote, and a walking, talking cartoon one to boot, that really complicated our investigation."

Perch did note that Mr. Coyote was not wearing hunter orange, which is not required by guides but strongly encouraged.

"I'm a coyote, for heaven's sake," countered Mr. Coyote. "I don't wear clothes. Besides, I find that hunter orange absolutely clashes with my fur tone. I simply won't be considered an unfashionable dresser. I'd rather be shot ... which I was. Hunter buffoon."

As part of the investigation, the Sheriff's department examined the hunting test Fudd passed just a few days before the accident.

"It's clear that he passed the test," concluded Perch. "In the section labeled 'Things You Can Shoot,' he only marked the bears, tigers, elk and hairless foxes. He didn't check any of the boxes next to the babies, grandmothers or school buildings, so he was legally approved for hunting."

"We think we made a pretty big mistake holding the event at 4:30," said Mahalo's dispensary owner Sai Ko Ward. "We wanted it to be late enough that people didn't have to leave work too early, but early enough so they wouldn't miss dinner or 'family time.' But it seems we forgot about the 4:20 effect."

According to Ward, many of the expected attendees likely "sparked up" at the traditional time of 4:20 p.m. and simply got "sucked in by their couch."

"That's too bad, too," added Ward. "As we had some really good snacks, and my buddy Six-Ball made a bunch of killer fruit smoothies that were out of this world, man! I know the card-carrying medical marijuana community would've really dug the whole scene. Plus, we could've made some really good protest signs. I had all this colored paint and stuff."

Disappointed by the lack of turnout at 4:30, those in attendance at the rally began to call their friends, who had promised "on their bags of Blueberry Kush" that they were going to be there for the demonstration.

"What do you mean, you forgot?" asked King Fisher, co-owner of Rocky Mountain Highs, a medical marijuana dispensary in Steamboat Springs, into his cell phone, presumably to an expected rally goer. "I don't care if Spongebob is on. Just get everyone's butts in the van and get over here! Oh, and don't forget to turn the stove off before you leave. You can make the mac'n'cheese when you get back."

"This isn't good," Fisher later admitted. "We're trying to show how marijuana users are responsible, taxpaying members of the community, and we can't get together for our own political rally? I guess that's why they call it dope ... Wait, don't quote me on that."

However, organizers of the poorly attended rally believe they won't make the same mistakes during the upcoming important election, which will decide if all of their businesses become legislated out of existence. In fact, they believe they have a full-proof incentive plan to encourage their supporters to vote.

"We're offering a free edible to everyone who shows up at Mahalo's with one of those little 'I voted today' stickers on them," noted Ward." And they have to be fresh looking, not last year's or when they voted that one time for Obama. And they have to be the authentic kind used by the pollsters. We know what fakes look like."

Are you people serious? You want to keep paying the goddamn greedy airline corporations a bunch of our hard-earned money so they can fly an extra plane or two, or pay for their empty seats that they couldn't fill, just so those millionaire CEOs and stockholders don't have to take any risk whatsoever in their investments?

I've got a better idea! Why don't we just mail checks directly to those airline fat cats' home addresses? Each CEO gets $100,000, courtesy of Steamboat Springs taxpayers! Now that's a brilliant goddamn idea!

And what's so damn important about flying all these tourists in here, anyway? I remember when I first started coming to Steamboat Springs, back in the winter of 1923, we had to WALK over Buffalo Pass to get here. We couldn't afford to ride the Iron Horse, so we snowshoed 130 miles from Denver just to experience Steamboat's Champagne Powder, except we just called it "snow" back then, as none of us knew what champagne was, and powder was for girls' faces.

Then I tied Aspen saplings to my feet, hiked with them up Storm Mountain, as it was called back then due to the fact that the Werners weren't that big a deal yet, and it was goddamn storming all the time, which I could always predict due to a bout of gout that would always erupt whenever a big storm was about to hit. Where was I? Dammit.

Oh, yes! Paying the airlines, hah! Silliest goddamn idea I ever heard of. What's next, paying farmers not to grow food? Or maybe we should give billions of dollars to super-rich bankers any time they think they need it? What? We do that now? Stupid goddamn people ...

Kerr Mudgeon
Full-Time Crank
Steamboat Springs

I'm a small business owner, running a store on Lincoln that relies on outside visitors called Tourist Crap No Local Would Ever Buy. Without the gapers coming through town during the winter, I'd be forced to collect unemployment or find a job working for someone else or move to someplace awful, like Broomfield. And we can't let that happen!

In fact, I think we need to go several steps further to increase our tourism. I suggest we skip the "middle man" and just pay for the tourists' plane tickets altogether. Think of how many more people would visit if their plane tickets were paid for by the citizens of Steamboat Springs? I'm not sure, but I bet it would be a lot. And they'd all have an extra $500, at least, to spend on local businesses like mine. Everybody wins!

I also think we need to be more proactive and forward-thinking with our travel program. Planes were the preferred travel method of the second half of the 20th Century, but, like the railroad before it, it will be replaced by something better, and we should stay ahead of that curve.

That's why I also suggest we set aside $3.2 billion from our city's budget to work on a mass teleportation device. I'm picturing something like Stargate, where tourists walk into a circle near where they live, and out they pop in Steamboat Springs! Should we perfect that first, we'll easily be the third or fourth most popular ski resort, maybe even right behind Deer Valley and Vail! Of course, I don't know anything about our city's budget, but I'm guessing we can afford a few billion from our reserve fund to work on teleportation technology.

So remember voters, Steamboat's local businesses, like mine, need Referendum 2B to pass. If not, where will you get your "I survived Steamboat Springs" t-shirts and coffee mugs? That's not the world we want to live in, is it?

By Claire Borne
Owner
Tourist Crap No Local Would Ever Buy
Steamboat Springs

"We can't believe the success we've been blessed with," said Sugar Snax, owner of Milky Fun. "We thought there was a missed market here in Steamboat, but with all the health-food nuts, we thought there might be some resistance to fat-fried dough injected with chocolate and soaked in powdery confection. We couldn't have been happier to be wrong! It turns out there are plenty of people in Steamboat who couldn't care less about their fat intake. How great is that?"

New doughnut shop locations include two in the Steamboat Grand Debt Star, two more in Gondola Square, four more downtown, one to open up in Milner (conveniently located next to Mahalo's Medical Marijuana Dispensary) and several in the more exercise-challenged towns of Oak Creek and Phippsburg.

"Our new 'doughnut hole' is going to be a godsend for Phippsburg," noted resident Greta Bigkeister. "I've been waiting on my couch for a long time for this, and now that it's going to be a reality, I couldn't be more excited. I nearly jumped for joy, if I could jump, that is."

The new Milky Fun locations are expected to maintain the same hours as the original store, opening at 5:30 a.m. and closing when doughnuts run out at 5:45 a.m. Milky Fun owners also plan on making the same amount of doughnuts at each store: 14.

"We found that 14 doughnuts each day is the perfect amount," noted Snax. "That makes them more of a 'hot commodity,' so all the people who we turn away doughnutless come back even earlier the next day. Always leave them wanting more, right?"

But according to Dyna Onfiber, Steamboat's resident nutritionist, the tasty breakfast treats have had a negative impact on local residents' health, particularly on their buttocks regions.

"Our Buttometer measurements have been off the charts since these doughnut shops started opening," added Onfiber. "The average increase in buttock cellulose has been 24 percent, with some individuals seeing their rear ends more than double in size.

"I measured one man, a regular doughnut customer, who had so much junk in his trunk that I nearly threw up trying to get my measuring tongs around his giant arse," she added. "It was like a giant garbage bag of squishy cottage cheese. They don't pay me enough for this job anymore."

"Although other Colorado mountain communities are doing some great things with plastic bag fees and bans, including the destitute, struggling towns of Aspen and Telluride, we felt that wasn't doing enough to control the insidious use of plastic bags, which are inefficient to create, cause environmental catastrophes such as flooding and tsunamis, and are known to give small children a really nasty case of hives," said Synic. "The next logical step is to coat the plastic bags with poison--a mild poison, I must add--nothing remotely fatal. Just something that will cause a debilitating case of diarrhea or a few hours of vomiting. A few instances of that, and we believe most people will remember to bring their reusable bags to the store."

Both of the council's resident skis, President Scari Helmetheadski and Kart Beforehorsesky, questioned the merit of the proposal, wondering if perhaps intentionally poisoning consumers might lead to liability issues down the line.

"I didn't think we could do that?" asked Beforehorsesky. "But if we can, can we make sure those Triple Crowners get some?"

Other council members wondered why a simple bag fee wasn't sufficient.

"Bag fees discriminate against the poor," noted Synic. "Rich people can pay the extra 20 cents a bag without a single thought. They'll just charge the extra plastic on their plastic. But for poor people, that could be the difference between eating ham ... or eating Spam.

"However," continued Synic, "everyone, rich and poor, really hates a raging case of the runs. And that's just the type of disincentive we need to keep plastic bags off of our beautiful streets."

Unable the refute such logic, City Council voted 5-2 in favor of the measure, pending legal review by the council's inhouse lawyer, some guy off the street who claimed to watch 2-3 episodes of Law & Order each week. Council also requested several weeks to review a study from Lace R. Synic on which types of poisons are mild enough to not kill people, but strong enough to really make them think twice about using plastic bags.

Although most in attendance at the meeting applauded the measure, a group of grocery store baggers was united in their opposition.

"What am I supposed to do?" asked John Smith, a Pity Market bagger from Senegal. "Do I just barf all over the customers all day, sick with bag poison?"

Synic was prepared for this response from the bagger community, noting that under the plan, Yampa Valley Really Better Recycle or Else would provide disposable plastic gloves for all bag handlers.

"Wait a second," countered Smith. "You're going to reduce disposable plastic use by using more disposable plastic?"

"Yes," answered Synic.

"This country is really going down the toilet," added Smith. "I can't wait for my work visa to expire."

Organizers were particularly pleased with the general positive outpouring of the Steamboat community, which showed up in force for the family oriented fiesta that encourages parents to spend more time with their children; engage in healthy lifestyle choices such as proper diet and exercise; and work on loving everyone equally, regardless of their race, economics or political backgrounds.

"It really comes down to the Barney theme song," said Chee Z. Smiles, chief organizer of the event. "I love you, you love me, we're a happy family. With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you, won't you say you love me, too?"

"I think this whole festival can go f--- itself," noted longtime Steamboat local Harden Heart. "Have you tried parking anywhere? I've been driving around in circles for like 10 minutes, just waiting for one of these damn minivans to move, but they never leave. What do they do all day long?"

Smiles noted that Barney Family Love Festival attendees spend much of the day "just hanging out with their families and friends, trying to become better people."

Upon hearing the description of daily activities, Heart countered that it sounded a lot like loitering.

"If I sit around all day, people call me a vagrant," added Heart. "Do these people have jobs? I've got a job. And I'm going to be late because I can't find a damn parking spot! Become better people someplace else!"

Other Steamboat locals were mixed in their feelings toward the two-day festival.

"I think it's great that they're here," noted Sue Anthony, a maker of objects that should be round but aren't. "They're bringing some needed tourism dollars into town, and I think they're good examples for the rest of us."

"I'm with Harden, I think they should go f--- themselves," countered her friend, Emily Earheart. "They waltz in here like they own the place, and they're constantly jaywalking. Look around. Just crossing the street anywhere they damn please. Aren't there rules in Barneyland? But at least they're not on bikes. I can't take any more of that."

Smiles was unsure if the tour would return to Steamboat Springs next year, citing the mixed reaction from the townsfolk.

"It's hard to say," he noted. "On the one hand, we encountered some really loving people here in Steamboat Springs, and it's a beautiful place. On the other hand, there are some real crabby patties here. It's just two days. Can't we all get along?"

Held after the Lazy River Dog competition in which Steamboat mutts ignore tennis balls and sticks thrown unnecessarily into the river, but before the more-traditional kayak freestyle event where humans throw themselves unnecessarily into the river, the SUV River Rodeo pitted some of Steamboat's most committed semi-luxury, semi-offroad drivers in a battle to see who can perform the most flips, spins and other moving violations in the middle of a rapid and freezingly cold river.

The inaugural event was won by Shirley Boozin, a 42-year-old sheepherder from Steamboat Springs, Colo. Boozin locked up first place when she maneuvered her Hyundai Santa Fe into a perfect 720-degree inverted spin before blasting out of the raging "A" Hole, a move she calls "The Metamucil."

Unfortunately, the win was somewhat tainted, as several of her fellow competitors accused her of consuming performance-enhancing chemicals.

"Thass flaboney," slurred Boozin as she stormed off with her trophy, a set of silver-plated handcuffs with her name written all over them. "I din't take no drugs. Ish too early for drugs. I'm juss hammered... I have mad river-driving skillsh. What elsh can I shay?"

Council members noted that in recent years, several movements have labeled Steamboat as, among others, Bike Town, U.S.A., Paddle Town, U.S.A., and even Reality Town, U.S.A. Sensing an opportunity, council members voted to make Steamboat's slogan a profit-making venture.

"We realized that it's not the great mountains or snow or skiing culture that made Steamboat Springs into Ski Town, U.S.A. It's just actually having the words in your slogan," said Council President Scari Helmetheadski. "We could just as easily be Pie Town, U.S.A., or Poetry Town, U.S.A. All you need is the official title, trademarked, and that's what you are."

According to the new ordinance, anyone can fill out a permit application and name Steamboat Springs for $750 a day, with a maximum naming block of two weeks, which Winter Carnival has already purchased the rights for Ski Town, U.S.A., so they don't have to buy a bunch of new banners, signs, flags and other crap emblazoned with the previously permanent slogan.

Other slogans that have been currently reserved include Mustang Town, U.S.A., for the annual car show, Fourth of July Town, U.S.A., for that annual weekend celebration, Scary Town, U.S.A., for three days in October, Lobotomy Town, U.S.A., for a medical conference weekend in November and Steve's Hairy Butt Town, U.S.A., for Sept. 25. Another recently purchased slogan is Theatre Town, U.S.A., which was booked for the weekend of Nov. 10-12 to correspond with Pirate Theatre's upcoming show, CSI: Steamboat (Who Killed the Economy?).

According to Steve Stephensen, the sponsor of Steve's Hairy Butt Town, U.S.A., the permit process was simple and efficient, allowing him to name Steamboat after his unusually hairy behind in less than 20 minutes.

"I lost a bet with my buddies drinking over at Stumpies," noted Stephensen. "I was gonna pay them the $750 I lost, when one of them said, 'Hey! For that money, we could name Steamboat after your ass! Let's do that!' So we did."

Although some council members are disappointed that their town will be named after anyone's anatomy, they cite the extra income as well worth the humiliation they may feel on Dec. 13, for example, when the official motto becomes "City Council Sucks Town, U.S.A.," which was co-purchased immediately after the vote by hundreds of citizens.

Times are tough economically," noted Helmetheadski. "So when you can bring in $750 a day, just by altering who you are a little, you have to do that in my book. What's more important: money or dignity? I don't think you need me to answer that, do you?"

"So you think you can have a fireworks celebration without me?" bellowed the 90-foot-tall Mega Lighted Man before he launched Stinger missiles from his head and into several of the "slightly different than normal cars" that make up a majority of the annual Fourth of July parade. "Winter Carnival is way more awesome, you fools!" he added as he slowly traversed from left to right along Lincoln Avenue.

Children from a variety of afterschool activities and summer camps were sent scattering as Mega Lighted Man laughed maniacally and lashed his flashing-light ski poles into several unsold and vacant condominiums at Holwingsen Place, injuring no one.

However, several fatalities were a result of the unexpected onslaught from the giant-sized version of the Winter Carnival icon. The town's entire rugby team was lost, as the lads valiantly attempted to tackle and throw giant eggs at the much-larger and less-drunk wreaker of Roman-Candle destruction. Also killed in the melee were a camel and what appeared to be an oversized, overheated monkey.

Fortunately, complete disaster was averted when several of Mega Lighted Man's backpack missiles failed to fire, and many of his fireworks explosions were quickly snuffed out by roving packs of 12-year-old boys with massive squirt guns. Upon seeing that his wave of destruction was also being underappreciated by Steamboat locals, Mega Lighted Man headed up the Howlingsen Hill poma lift, vowing to come back down and do this again "in about an hour or so."

Also ruined by the startling events was a new city record for "Longest Parade with Nothing Particularly Interesting In It," which appeared to be a lock until the Slim Whitman School showed up and danced with its patented blend of youthful flamboyance. The previous record will stand at 1 hour and 17 minutes, set in 2010.

Liddy Gator, 43 and divorced, blames what he calls "unnecessary and reckless snowmaking" for pushing the Yampa River above his normally sufficient retaining wall along the river. According to Gator, he rarely skis and spends his winters drinking in the basement on his now-moist Lazy-Boy and "watching shit on TV."

"They had, what, 200 inches of natural snow base on the mountain this winter, right?" Gator asked no one in particular. "Did they really need a few more inches on Eagle's Nest for the eight people who use that run? How do I know those few inches of snow aren't what pushed the Yampa into my beloved basement? There ain't no scientists who can tell me that isn't the case."

"That isn't the case," said Dr. I.C. Hands, a scientist at the Storm Peak Weather Station. "Man-made snow sucks, we all know that, but it doesn't do diddly squat as far as adding to flood waters."

When told of the scientist's appraisal of his legal claim, Gator claimed that Dr. Hands was an Intracourse pawn who probably went to school with Al Gore. After cracking open a fresh can of PBR, the man with an extensive and now-soggy collection of VHS porn tapes continued his tirade against man-made snow.

"The river only came over my wall by like an inch, and that was enough to release a shit-storm on my man cave," he revealed. "One inch! I hear those damn snow cannons blasting away all day and night, you can't tell me that didn't make a difference."

"That didn't make a difference," added Dr. Hands.

"Shut the hell up, you prick scientist!" shouted Gator. "Stay out of my rants!"

Mr. Gator is seeking $800 in damages for the rug he purchased at a local thrift shop and some chemicals he may have to buy to get the funky odor out of his basement. He said the porn collection should be fine once the tapes dry off a little more. Some of the original paper-based covers have been ruined, but he confessed that they were already in pretty bad shape due to overuse.

He's also suing Intracourse for $3 million in punitive damages for his trauma and psychological suffering. He will be represented by the first lawyer he can find in the phone book once it dries out.

"I had more good times in that basement than anywhere else in my life. No joke. And now I'll never be able to enjoy myself in there again without thinking of all that Intracourse-created fluid all over the place. It's disgusting," he added.

Dookie Lakaka, vice president of public relations and litigations at Intracourse, denied that the resort's annual snowmaking operations had anything to do with increased floodwaters.

"Intracourse doesn't create any unnecessary or undesired fluid," added Lakaka. "Our snowmaking has no more effect on the Yampa than someone taking a leak off their back deck."

"That's not true, either," noted Dr. Hands.

"Shut up!!!" yelled both Gator and Lakaka at the annoying scientist.

The move comes after a particularly hazardous spring in which a house-sized boulder nearly demolished a truck and its two passengers. The artist, Robert Boss, is expected to create a "wicked-big" mural to make drivers see and think of something else besides "a giant rock falling on your f-ing head."

"We see this as a major improvement for next year," noted CDOT Region 3 Director Pave Dover. "Instead of a threatening cliff face with unstable, massive boulders sticking out, drivers will see cute butterflies or maybe a nice flat pond scene--perhaps some cows grazing on a green field. And this will be at a fraction of the price of actually doing something about the rocks. A fraction!"

It would cost millions of dollars to make the small stretch of highway safer, but CDOT only had to spend $50,000 to cover the costs of a giant waterproof cloth and hundreds of tubes of yellow ochre and burnt sienna paint. Dover did admit that the mural would provide very little in terms of actual driver safety, but that perceived safety is a valuable commodity that shouldn't be overlooked.

"Out of sight, out of mind, right? Remember, fear is all in your head," added Dover. "And the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Those are President Kennedy's words, not mine. Or was that FDR? Whatever. This project should go a long way toward eliminating the fear, if not eliminating the deadly rocks ready to turn you Subaru into a modern-art project. Drivers won't even realize they're in the shadow of death until it's over--and by over I mean either they make it to the other side or they're dead."

Artist Boss is hoping to have a prototype of the finished mural ready in the next few weeks, leaving himself several months to create the giant cloth mural. He said it actually only takes him exactly a half hour to create the smaller versions, but he likes to practice it many times to find out where "all the happy little accidents might live."

"Oh, there could be some fuzzy little trees over in the left, or maybe some happy little clouds will be floating along. I just don't know," said Boss, a white man with an enormous afro and a pleasant smile. "But happy driving, and God bless. You'll need Him."

 "No one on this council ever anticipated that we'd have so many dispensaries selling pizza in Steamboat," said City Council President Pro-Tem Quinnagin Beginnagin. "It's gone too far. There's a pizza dispensary on every block. Do we really need this much pizza in Steamboat Springs? It's not very healthy, you know. Have you seen what it does to a colon? Well ... neither have I, but I bet it's not good."

 Those members voting against the ban noted that pizza is legal in Colorado, whether people like it or not, and several owners of pizza dispensaries provide jobs and sales-tax revenue.

 "I just don't see how we can discriminate against pizza dispensaries," said Council President Ex-Tem Scari Helmetheadski. "Sure, it can make you a little gassy, and too much can induce food coma, but what's next? Should we ban taco dispensaries because they give people the runs? Or coffee dispensaries because they make some people terribly annoying? It's a slippery slope."

The final vote caused an uproar among the pro-pizza citizens attending the meeting, who spoke vehemently about how they need pizza to combat the intense pain they sometimes feel in their stomach area.

"If I don't eat pizza every day," testified John Papa, "I get this rumbling pain right around here," he added, pointing to his abdomen. "It happens about three times a day, starting right when I wake up, and the only thing that seems to make it go away is pizza. It's saved my life ... What the hell am I supposed to do now!!!"

"I feel your pain," countered Beginnagin, "but there are other, safer alternatives to pizza treatment for stomach problems. We need to be better examples for the children of this community. You could try eating tofu, or a nice salad with a balsamic vinaigrette. Or have you considered steamed vegetables?"

But the pro-pizza crowd was unconvinced.

"That crap doesn't work!" shouted Papa. "You've taken away the one thing that makes my miserable life slightly bearable. I hope you're happy!"

"And what am I supposed to do?" added Redd Saus, the owner of Sobe Creek, one of Steamboat's now-banned pizza dispensaries. "I obtained a legal license to sell pizza in this town. I put my life's savings into pepperoni and mozzarella. People with chronic stomach pains were happily ordering my product. And now I'm screwed. I, too, hope you're happy ..."

It is believed the raid was in retaliation for terrorist acts perpetrated by the as-yet-unidentified male. It was originally speculated that the target was Osama Bin Laden, but he apparently was found and killed thousands of miles away in Pakistan, so it can't be him.

Although no organization has taken official credit, the President of the Kennel of Justice, a rare Hawaiian Poi dog, is believed to have signed off on the operation. It has been rumored that he initiated the last RIVERDOG Team 6 mission to liberate Tinkerbell, the Chihuahua savagely taken hostage by Paris Hilton.

Upon hearing the news, dogs of all breeds and sizes gathered in Rita Valentine Park to celebrate. The pack of animals unsuccessfully attempted to climb streetlights and joyously barked spontaneous versions of "God Bless America" and "Who Let the Dogs Out?"

The rally ended after only an hour, however, when Animal Control police arrested the entire gathering for violating leash laws and not picking up their own poop. At this time, all of the dogs have reportedly been released to their owners, who promised not to let their dogs celebrate a human shooting ever again.

In supporting the controversial store, approving members cited how much money a 24-hour drug and pornography business could bring in tax revenues as well as how gosh darn hard Sheen worked to fight through what several council members called a "B.S. planning system set up by communists."

"There's way too many governmental rules and regulations that prohibit business in Steamboat Springs," said Council President Scari Helmutheadski. "Admirable businesses like Mr. Sheen's should be competing in an open market. Government needs to listen to the people and stop telling them what to do," the city's government leader defiantly told an angry and shocked crowd at the recently renamed Honey Stinger Building at Centennial Hall.

Helmutheadski was seconded by Councilperson Y, who simply mumbled, "Business. Winning. Business. Winning."

According to Sheen, the new store will sell hair products, cigarettes, Vaseline and drugs (including the much sought after Charlie Sheen drug) as well as pornography, sex toys and those creepy movies in the back room where moaning noises will come from. A total of 15 variances to Development Code were granted to the project, allowing the building to take up four stories, use neon lights and have a great big billboard with boobs on it.

"I'm a bitching rock star from Mars," commented Sheen from his Hollywood mansion. "Those council people have no idea what happened to them. They can't process it with their primitive brains."

Sheen added that the location for the store will be perfect.

"It's right next to the Playboy Bunny Motel! You grab some lube, a couple of toys and get a room next door. It's epic! I'm epic!"

Porn stars will be available, according to Sheen, but "most of you amateurs couldn't handle them or afford them. Except maybe that ex-sheriff. He seems to have Tiger blood, like me."

The Pirate spied outgoing Straight Talk pioneer, Miley Cyrumbus, filling out a Straight Talker report on a recent morning in March at her Intracourse office in Gondola Square. Cyrumbus was wearing street clothes and didn't appear to have skied at all that morning. She left a pad of Straight Talker Mad Libs on a public coffee table, along with a printout of "Words for Awesome" that apparently was used to in conjunction with the Mad Libs to create her daily report.

The following is an excerpt of an unused Mad Lib page found in the section labeled "Decent Powder Day" (click on image to read larger version):

What a (word for awesome) day here in The Boat! We received (actual snow report) inches since yesterday, but since the snow is so (word for awesome), it felt more like (add a few inches to report number)!

I couldn't wait to get out there today, as the snow on my driveway was light and fluffy. Another Champagne Powder® day! I knew it was going to be (word for awesome) up there!

I got there early, so I immediate headed for (name of open chairlift). I wanted to warm up first, so I started on (name of groomed ski run). It was freshly groomed, with a couple inches of fresh on top. I quickly ripped some (word for awesome) turns. I could really feel the (word for awesome) corduroy underneath.

Then I headed up (name of high-speed chair) to get to the top. It was time to check out the (word for awesome) powder! First I took a lap down (name of ungroomed run). Let me tell you, the (word for awesome) snow was up past my boots, higher in some spots. Can life get any better?

Then it was a (word for awesome) run through the (word for awesome) glades down (name of a tree run). Just epic! The snow seemed bottomless as I bounced through the trees. I would've taken a few more runs there, but my legs were (word for tired), and it was time to file another Straight Talker report, so no one would miss what (word for awesome) conditions we have up here.

Let me be the first to tell you, you don't want to miss on this one!

(Straight Talker name)
(riding equipment used)

The printed sheet of "Words for Awesome" included: awesome, beautiful, gorgeous, effortless, fantastic, amazing, marvelous, awe-inspiring, stunning, wondrous and majestic, among others.

The Pirate attempted to contact Cyrumbus about this story, but she was immediately whisked off to Whitefish, Mont. No one else at Intracourse would comment on the story.

According to Puffer, he was heading back to his hometown on Long Island, N.Y., in March 2011, when he realized it was going to be difficult to travel back with 60 pounds of high-grade marijuana.

"My carry-on was already jammed with snacks, cookies, my iPad and a spare set of underwear in case the airline lost my luggage, and there was no way I was going to pay those ridiculous baggage fees. Those are criminal," noted Puffer.

Puffer then read a U.S. Postal Service ad in the local newspaper, which proclaims "Ship It Home! Checking Luggage with the Airlines is an Expensive Hassle. Ship it Home Safe and On Time. Pickup Available. We Ship Anything!"

"So I was like, sweet," added Puffer. "They said it was safe. Is being arrested by a bunch of narc cops safe? I don't think so. This is not my fault, dude."

The U.S. Postal Service refused to officially comment on an ongoing investigation, but they are considering putting an asterisk by the "Ship Anything" slogan, further clarifying: "By 'Anything' we mean anything not illegal under state or federal laws or anything not really, really stupid to try and ship. Please have half a brain before shipping."

"This sucks," continued Puffer. "If it fits, it ships, right? It fit. It shipped. And now my butt's going to jail? Lame. If only Southwest flew out of Steamboat. No bag fees. No problem."

The Hayden Town Council voted 4-1 to block an attempted move of a Kum & Go gas station, which was trying to relocate an entire block from its existing location.

The petitioned relocation prompted a ridiculously vocal reaction from Hayden citizens, government leaders and a bewildered out-of-town Kum & Go representative, leading to widespread snickering from residents of neighboring Steamboat Springs.

According to Hayden Mayor Slim Pickens, the proposed move of a nondescript gas station edging one measly block closer to the town center resulted in "the biggest crowd he had seen at a meeting in his 12 years in town politics." This quote was note made up by The Pirate reporters.

In another not-made-up quote, a Hayden resident actually said the one-block move into a nicer and cleaner facility would "tear the town apart."

"That's freaking hilarious," chuckled Steamboat Springs resident Steve "Snowman" Simpson, in one of the few made-up quotes for this story. "Hayden ... Wow ... I gotta tell my friends about this one. But I suppose it's a good thing if that's your biggest problem."

The Kum & Go representative wondered if the outcome would've been different had the gas station/convenience store had a name that inspired less sexual innuendo.

"Would they have approved our one-block move had we been a Sinclair?" questioned Harry Balls. "Who knows? It'd be a shame if people were so immature that they can't support something based on a poorly thought out naming choice."

In response, one of the meeting attendees giggled, "His name is Harry Balls ... Get it? Harry Balls ..."

All you have to do is write funny stuff, and get as many people as possible to visit your page and subscribe to your newsletter. Then you can start making some money by selling advertising on both.

If you don't think it's possible, just look at the model from Steamboat Springs, Colorado. We've been successfully making fun of all the weird crap that goes on in that town for a long time, and it makes money from advertisers. If we can do it in a small town like that, think of what you can do for yours...

It's simple. It's fun. It's FREE!

It's The Pirate. Better yet, it can be Your Pirate.

To start your own Local Pirate, contact us at thepirate@yourpirate.com.

It appears that Mr. Woods originally agreed to enter the event because he thought it was an Italian sex orgy featuring attractive, older women and not a golf tournament at Catamount Ranch in Steamboat Springs.

"I'd be happy to mount some of those cougar cats," said Woods when earlier confirming that he'd be in attendance. "They might not be as tight in some places as the usual girls I bang, but they've got a ton of experience, which is nice. Plus they're a little desperate, so they'll do anything. And those Italians put together the best orgies. I'll-a hide-a da salami, paisan!"

Tournament organizers first became aware of the misunderstanding when Woods called to secure a spinning, circular bed for what he called "knockin' boots in Cougar Town." Woods also asked organizers to contact him via his "secret number" so his "Swedish naggie" wouldn't find out.

When told that Catamount was not Italian for humping cougars and was instead a private golf course hosting a tournament, Woods immediately cancelled his reservation.

"The only boat I'm going to now is my big-ass yacht. You know, the one with all the hot bitches on it. The S.S. Pooty Cruiser," Woods boasted.

Catamount Invitational organizers were disappointed in losing the world's most famous athlete and are now considering changing the golf tournament into an Italian cougar orgy.

Editor's Note: Tiger Woods' PR staff has since contacted The Pirate and Yesterday and issued this statement: "Tiger Woods apologizes for the quotes and behavior relayed in this article. He's currently in rehab of whatever type will make you forgive him. He does insist that you leave his family alone, just like he does."

"We've spent thousand of dollars on a variety of housing studies, and were certain that the plan we've come up with will effectively create the affordable housing that we promised," said 700 Club principal and project manager Manny Dullazy. "We apologize for the delay in presenting our affordable-housing plan until during the vote on the project, but we needed to be sure it would work. Without further ado, here it is."

Dulllazy then raised a small burlap sack high above his head.

"What the hell is that?" asked several members of the audience simultaneously.

"It's a bag of magic beans," replied Dullazy.

"Magic beans ... ?" asked Jess Getoffmylawn, a confused attendee who opposes the development.

"Magic beans," repeated Dullazy.

The audience remained perfectly silent for several moments, while everyone looked at each other.

"You're fucking kidding, right?" asked Getoffmylawn.

Dulllazy then proceeded to explain that he indeed wasn't kidding, adding that the bewildered audience wasn't appreciating the fact that these beans were enchanted.

"So what we're going to do is plant these beans in the space reserved for affordable housing. Overnight, several giant beanstalks should grow from the ground. These beanstalks will have giant leaves that we can build affordable homes on. Voila ..." Dullazy added with a dramatic gesture.

"Come on," replied Getoffmylawn. "You're fucking kidding, right? You know, this ain't funny."

Dullazy continued that they've estimated that 400 affordable homes could be built on the giant leaves, and that there shouldn't be a problem as long as they don't build too close to the lair of the giant with the goose that lays the golden eggs. Apparently, he's still angry with outsiders ever since Jack raided his castle in the sky.

"It may seem a little unbelievable, but so did the idea of a princess finding a fairy godmother who helped her find a prince while wearing magic glass slippers. And we all know it really happened to Cinderella. This will all work out happily ever after," said Dullazy, who then waved his arms to turn himself "invisible" and very visibly walked out of the building and its stunned audience.

"It's been nice in the past to claim 20 or 30 athletes, even though at least half of them have tenuous ties at best," noted Steamboat's Olympic organizer and promoter, Cookie Books. "But we found a new way to claim many more athletes. All of them, in fact."

The new program is called "Seven Degrees to a Steamboat Olympian," and it's often performed during bouts of heavy drinking.

"It's pretty simple," added Books. "You start by choosing any Winter Olympics athlete. Then you have seven moves to connect that athlete to Steamboat. Here, let's try one.

"Take Maria Riesch, the skier from Germany," continued Books while doing a Jager bomb. "We all know she's good friends with Lindsy Vonn. Vonn trains in Vail. Tons of people from Steamboat have skied Vail. Boom! Steamboat Olympian in three moves. Now that was an easy one, of course. Some of the Koreans and those warm countries that send one person can take all seven moves."

In a surprising revelation, it appears that actor Kevin Bacon was named a Steamboat Olympian, even though there's no record of him competing in or attending the games.

"It was weird, but there's no way around it. Kevin Bacon is connected with everything," Books concluded.

When reached for this story, Bacon noted that Steamboat needed to "get a life" and that no one cool has played the Kevin Bacon game for more than a decade. The reporter then connected himself to Kevin Bacon in only one move, having just talked to him.

"As an elected representative of the people of Steamboat Springs, I chose Coke because of its balanced levels of flavor and carbonation," noted Helmetheadski.

"But as a private person, I felt that Pepsi was the tastier product. It had a nice sweetness that the private me liked," she continued.

When pressed by both companies' representatives to make a decision and support one or the other, Helmetheadski bristled.

"I have chosen! I chose both, depending on where I am and who I'm trying to appease," she retorted with a straight face. "I see no reason why I can't support both, completely opposite, sides."

Several other council members were wary of Helmetheadski's duality, and questioned her on several other topics. Quinnagin Beginnagin, president protemigan, asked the presidentski about her thoughts on medical marijuana dispensaries.

"As a council president, I believe medical marijuana is dangerous to our community, so I'm against them," stated Helmetheadski. "But," she added to audible groans, "as a citizen, I don't think we should interfere with individuals' rights, so I'm for them."

"Don't you think this could be considered pandering to both sides of the issues?" asked Councilperson Slim Angleking. "By declaring dual personalities, aren't you just ensuring that you can agree and disagree with everything at the same time?"

"Absolutely not!" protested Helmetheadski. "But that is correct."

At this point, the council was supposed to vote on the 700 Club Development, but knowing that Helmetheadski would be bi-polar on the issue, they decided to go out for beers.

"Sounds great," added Helmetheadski. "After a long council meeting, I love a cold Miller Lite. It's less filling ... But when I'm just a private citizen hanging out at a bar, I really like Bud Light. Wasssuuuppp!!?? ... Wait! Where's everyone going? Wait for us! I mean, wait for me!!!"

Construction foreman Maxwell House is extremely excited and upbeat about the project.  He says that guests at the Grand who can't wait to hit the slopes will not be disappointed.  Corporate giant Target Stores has come on board as a sponsor and will paint its logo on the snow at the landing site at Headwall.  Anyone who hits the bullseye will be given a voucher for 10% off at Splatsmed Physical Therapy.

The project has not been without snags, literally.  The Grand originally envisioned a giant slingshot, but prototype testing proved that snowboards, skis, and enormous rubber bands just don't mix.  Also, base area hotel the Sheraton declared its property a "no fly zone" and the flight path and landing area had to be adjusted accordingly.

When asked about the return trip, Grand spokesperson Layla Flopsalot said that inquiries have been made about using the American Ski Syndicate's Bungee Trampoline to launch skiers, riders, tourists and other undesirables back to the hotel.  Ms. Flopsalot did not mention any specific landing site at the hotel, but hinted that one possibility was right into a bar stool at Chapped, one of the hotel eateries, or the outdoor pool out back.  She also said that the "people mover" catapult would give new meaning to the phrase "spring skiing."

Hydro for Health has added a board certified pediatric physician, Dr. Johannes Fuehlgut, to its staff to issue medical marijuana cards to children in need. "We are excited to offer a natural alternative to Ritalin and Concerta," enthuses Dr. Fuehlgut. "In addition to treating children and young adults suffering from ADD and ADHD, we feel we can cut down on the number of students who miss class and end up in the nurse's office with common childhood aliments such as 'headache' or 'stomachache.'" Adds Notsinhaelen, "We also plan to market to young women who suffer from severe cramps. We think parents will embrace medical marijuana as a great alternative to putting their daughter on the pill as a pre-teen."

Hydro for Health is offering a wide variety of products to cater to the pediatric market. "Obviously our youngest clients won't be smoking our product," says Notsinhaelen. In addition to the standard brownies and popcorn (prepared with children's doses), Hydro patients can choose from a wide variety of Cannabis Candies such as Lolly-Pots, Jamaican Fish, Cheech n Chocolate Bars, SinSours, Panama Pudding, Ganja Gummis, and of course, Mary Janes. "We have also developed several other snacks and food products," continues Notsinhaelen, "One of our favorites is Glow-Gurt. It's made with real fruit and glows under a black light." Notsinhaelen goes on to mention Pot-sicles ("The potency isn't diluted by freezing."), and spaghetti sauce made with oregano substitute.

What's up next for Hydro for Health? "We are working with a research company in Denver on a THC extract for use in Cheeba Chewing gum, much like the nicotine gums available on the market. Along that same line, we plan to offer a marijuana patch starting in June," replies Notsinhahelen. "The patches will rub on like temporary tattoos and carry slogans promoting responsible use such as, 'Safety First.'"

According to the final report, Dee, better known in the blogoshpere as drugzkill35, was furiously virtually arguing with ganjajohn and legalguysit on the evening of February 13th, a Saturday. His last recorded "flame" on the Steamboat Pirate and Yesterday Web site was at 2:35 a.m., which is when police believe his head must have completely exploded.

"Yeah, it was really gross," stated Steamboat Sheriff Stonedwall Jackson. "There were bits of gray matter and blood all over the place. It looked like one of them Saw movies, except the smell was worse than you think it would be. I've been pretty much having nightmares about it non-stop since then. Seeing a body without a head and all that mess ... it gets to you."

Police will not be pressing any charges against ganjajohn nor legalguysit (whose real names will not be released), as it was deemed they were merely exercising their rights to free speech, as was Mr. Dee. Police, however, are considering warning the Pirate and Yesterday, as Dee, using the drugzkill35 alias, was "an accident waiting to happen," said Sheriff Jackson.

"I looked into the online records of drugzkill35, and he just went ballistic whenever anyone mentioned that pot might be safe or helpful to some people," added Jackson. "I'm not sure if he had a bad trip or something when he was younger, but he pretty much lost his you-know-what whenever marijuana came up, and those new dispensaries seemed to put him over the edge."

The literally final entry of drugzkill35 was: "You goddamned hippies don't know anything! If you worked a day in your life you might realize that drugs and alcohol do nothing but hurt people! You're so stupid! I never touch the stuff, and I'm going to outlive all you young punks! You're all so stupid it makes my brain hurt! If I hear one more person say that pot can help people, I think I'm going have to hunt you down! Unless my head explodes first from all your idiocy!!!"

The next entry was from legalguysit: "Pot can help people ;)"

"It's a sad story, really," noted Sheriff Jackson. "I guess it just shows that people, no matter what they believe, just need to take it easy out there, even on the Internets. Scale back the anger a little. I don't think it's helping anyone. It certainly didn't help Mr. Dee. Maybe drugs kill, maybe they don't, but we do know that freaking out in a Web chat can certainly get the job done."s

Councilperson Slim Angleking elaborates, "Socialized medicine is the enemy of democracy. Our goal is to 'de-socialize' the entire primary education system. God bless America. And Craig, America." One supportive community member, Leslie Hasnokitts, agreed, "We can't be spending taxpayers' money for fourth graders with 'headaches' to get out of class. No more ditching on our dime!"

Parents who wish their children to have private health care coverage may visit the Kiddy Council office in room 103 for an application. Applications will only be printed in English to discourage illegal immigrant children from attending public school and thus saving further taxpayer dollars. The application will screen students' health history for red flags such as broken bones, ear infections, runny nose, and asthma. "This screening process enables us to implement a tiered system that provides monetary rewards for good health, "explains Helmutheadski. "Students who don't have any red flags, have the proper immunization, and can prove that they haven't been sick for two years will be eligible for the gold standard." 

Kiddy Council has contracted with Rocky Mountain Health Plans to be Strawberry Soda Elementary's carrier. "Through vigilant monitoring we will protect our members from fraud. We chose RMHP because they have an efficient system for evaluating the insurability of children, from infants on up," continues Helmutheadski. "We pledge to work hard for our members. Students will be dropped from coverage if they have too many stomachaches."

As another money-saving device, Kiddy Council has ensured low prescription costs by signing contracts with Children's Tylenol and Triamenic.

When interviewed about her preparations for the upcoming change, school nurse Hot Damberlan said that the nurse's office was being remodeled to accommodate private rooms for gold standard students. "I will also be hiring an assistant to track insurance information and health screening," Nurse Damberlan says. She hopes to fill the new position internally with one of the teachers who will lose their jobs to additional budget cuts this spring.

"I looked at the script and saw a few rehearsals," said Steamboat Schools Superintendent Shalee Shuningsham. "Boys and girls were dancing and grinding up against each other. The girls were dressed indecently. And they mention drugs and S-E-X at least a few times. It was horrible.

"I don't believe in censorship," she noted after censoring the production, "but there was no way they were going to perform that show at Strawberry Soda Elementary."

Key members of the production were originally saddened by the news, but the Steamboat Grand quickly stepped in provided a venue for the show, which will take place April 8-10, 2010, at the aforementioned Steamboat Grand. Tickets are on sale now at All that Jazz.

"We were pretty shocked and ticked off at first," noted Hank Goodness, a lead actor and co-producer of the show. "But the Grand called us up and even offered us free milk and cookies, so we were like, 'sweet.'"

When asked about the "controversial content," Goodness didn't think any of it was a big deal. "It's a musical--sort of, so how could we not have dancing? People are going to touch each other a little when dancing. As far as the S-E-X stuff, I don't really understand that, so you'll have to talk to the writer. I haven't taken sex-ed yet, so I'm just reading lines ..."

The officers of the S.S.P.P.D., as the new unit will be known, are easily recognizable in their golden yellow uniforms with the white porcelain buttons, which made quite a splash when they were introduced last week.  S.S.P.P.D. unit commander, I. P. Strong-Daily, speaking to the media while standing with his legs crossed hopping up and down, said that he has conducted a careful analysis of the information stream and pooled his resources.  He then declared a "code yellow" and left the room in a big hurry.  When he returned, his oversized coffee mug refilled to the brim, he was much more relaxed and ready to answer more questions.

The S.S.P.P.D. does not want to rely on catching violators in the act of public urination.  "Who wants to stake out an alley or a parking lot at 2 a.m., looking for drunks watering the pavement?  We have assembled a team of highly trained, urine sniffing dogs, a K-9 unit if you will, to locate the crime scenes and flush out the perpetrators.  These dogs really love their jobs.  Of course, the S.S.P.P.D. will still have a visible street presence."  Officers will carry small plastic bottles with labels for evidence collection once a suspect is apprehended, and Dr. Pincus "Pinkie" Turnyaheddenkoff has already been hired as staff urologist.

Strong-Daily advises citizens to find out where the bathrooms are whenever they enter a drinking establishment and to use them, frequently, particularly at last call.  He is working with local bar and restaurant owners to install adult diaper dispensers.  "Remember," he warns, "if the S.S.P.P.D. catches you, urine trouble."

The impetus for the class? "When I arrived on campus in 2008, I saw a sign posted in Bristol Hall notifying students that 'Social Psychology is ACNELLED. Professor is not feeling well.' and another advertising Meteorology 150 as a 'Guarantied Transfer.'' explains Piper. "I knew something had to be done. I immediately formed a committee to address the issue with. It's taken us two years to roll this out, but the class will be held during our Fall 2010 inservice."

The one day class will not only focus not only on the mechanics of writing such as punctuation and grammar, but will introduce PC apps such as Spell Check as well. "We are a college. We are educated people." maintains Piper. "Intellectual discipline, inquiry, rigor and debate all start with good English. We want to show the community that ski bums have standards to."
 

As the study proceeded, Dr. Carters had recorded periods of the rapid eye movement, or REM, sleep state, which indicates that the subject is dreaming.  He then called in world famous iconic natural landmark dream interpreter Dr. Ted E. Behr to provide his warm and fuzzy insight.  While reading Sleeping Giant's dream journal, the first thing that struck Dr. Behr was a recurring dream that Mr. Giant first had in 647 B.C., and about every 150 years since, in which Sleeping Giant dreams that he is the Maroon Bells.  Dr. Behr is certain that this represents feelings of insecurity and envy.  In another, less frequent dream, Mr. Giant dreams that he is base camp on Mt. Everest.  "Mount Everest is clearly a father figure to Mr. Giant in this dream," said Mr. Behr.  Mr. Giant had a horrifying nightmare in 1958 in which ski runs were cut into his flanks, chair lifts were erected, expensive fried food and pizza was served in mountain-top restaurants and poorly planned houses and condos were constructed all around him while angry citizens argued about affordable housing and annexation.  Most recently he dreamed that Olympic Gold Medalist Lindsey Vonn skied a slalom run from his knees down to his mid-section.  Dr. Ted E. Behr says that if you don't know what this means, you need to get out more.

Dr. Denton Carters and Dr. Ted E. Behr's study, which was sponsored by the prescription sleep aid Snow-Doze (caution: may cause drowsiness), will be published in the June issue of Iconic Natural Landmark Journal of Medicine and Seed Catalogue (caution: may cause drowsiness).  It's the stuff that dreams are made of.

"Because she didn't meet the monetary requirement, we cannot charge her with a felony," said a local Steamboat Police Department representative Buster Grabbin. "However, she will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law," said Grabbin.

The allegations have sparked another investigation at Rummagers, where Buckstome was employed as an accountant prior to accepting the position at Lift-Up. When asked for comment, Buckstome--who is currently applying for a job at Alpine Bank--replied, "Charity begins at home."

"Kelly Anzalone and I were hired to entertain at this GOP fundraiser," said Michael David from his hospital bed, where he was recovering from a rifle shot to the buttocks. "I'm not political, but it was the GOP, so they threw a bunch of money at us, and I'm in no position to turn that down.

"So there we were, up onstage performing one of our skits from Cabaret, 'Moose on the Loose,' and then BAM! I hear this loud noise. And then I realize that all these people are staring at me as I'm lying on the ground, looking really scared. And then the pain hits me. Wow! Talk about a pain in the ass."

According to the performers, during the skit, in which Anzalone plays guitar and sings a song about recent moose sightings in Steamboat Springs, and Michael David performs an interpretive dance number in which he mimics a moose, Governor Palin mistook Michael David for a real moose.

"You see," said Palin. "Where I'm from, if you see a moose, you shoot it. I'm from Alaska, you know. And I'll be darned if I didn't see a moose right there onstage, staring at me with its menacing eyes. It's head, rearing up ...

"So I took out my hunting rifle, which I carry with me at all times, you know. And I took that sucker down. Imagine my surprise when I ran after it to field dress it--I can field dress a moose, you know--and everyone starts calling for an ambulance. I guess the moose ran away, and the bullet accidentally hit one of the performers. We call that 'accidental fire' in Alaska. It happens all the time while hunting. No biggie."

Michael David, however, questioned Palin's account of the events.

"She's crazy," he noted. "I'm pretty sure I'd notice if there was a real moose onstage, while I happened to be imitating a moose by putting my hands on my head, you know, with the thumb in and the fingers out like you do when you're five. I had no sooner put on my 'antlers' when I hear a female voice yell 'moose!' and then the shot rings out. And then I'm on the ground, bleeding out of my ass."

"Well, that's just silly," disputed Palin and her handlers. "I'd never confuse a human being for a moose. That would be really, really dumb. Very Un-Sarah Palin-like. There was a moose on that stage, I'm sure. You betcha."

Unfortunately for Michael David, the incident became a matter of he said/more-important she said, and he wasn't allowed to press charges. It appears that as soon as the police arrived to investigate the matter, as many as 50 witnesses, all of them members of Palin's entourage or there for the GOP fundraiser, signed sworn affidavits that a moose, indeed, had appeared on the stage and was rabidly threatening the guests. They declared Palin a heroine for taking such decisive action and scaring away the ferocious animal. They also said they felt sorry for the man accidentally injured.

"What a crock!" screamed Michael David as he grabbed his flaming buttocks. "She shoots me, and they refuse to pay for my medical bills. They didn't even pay Kelly and me for the show, saying that we failed to deliver as promised--yeah, maybe that's because your girl shot me in the ass!!!

"And I didn't even get to find out what 'field dressed' meant. That could be hot. She's married and middle-aged--that's right in my wheelhouse," he added.

According to the police report, Town was enjoying a pleasant summer day eating chicken wings and nachos, when Triplecrown burst into the bar, yelling obscenities and accosting all of the staff. All of the eyewitnesses report that Triplecrown appeared to be highly intoxicated.

"You people need to kiss my ass and do what I say!" yelled Triplecrown. "Do you hear me? I'm Triplecrown, dammit, so get on your knees and lick my nuts! You Steamboat jagoffs need me!"

Town and some other peaceful patrons tried to calm Triplecrown. According to affadavits, they even promised to buy Triplecrown a drink if he would stop making threats. Triplecrown then became further incensed.

"Buy me a drink?" asked Triplecrown. "You need to buy more than that! You need to buy my lodging, buy my meals! And I want you to promise to do it for years and years!!! If you don't ... I'm gonna leave!!! I'm not kidding! I'll leave!!! I'll take my business elsewhere! Me and this wallet with $14.38 are gonna walk on outta here! Don't think I won't!!!"

The situation escalated to a full-scale hostage situation when Town offered to buy Triplecrown a drink for two years, but wouldn't commit to anything beyond that.

"I was just trying to get the guy to shut up," said Town. "So I pretended that I'd buy him whatever he wanted, but only for the next two years. Then I said we'd just have to wait and see beyond that. I was just messing with him. I guess I shouldn't have even tried to negotiate with that dickhead, because that's when he pulled out the aluminum baseball bat and held it to my throat. I can still smell his awful stench of sweat, body odor and Pabst Blue Ribbon."

As further noted in the police report, Triplecrown then demanded that Town give him whatever he wanted, which included exclusive rental properties that had to pay a fee just to have the privilege of Triplecrown staying there.

"I didn't know what the hell that even meant, but at this point, I just wanted him to put away his baseball bat and take his stench elsewhere," added Town. "So I told him that we'd do that, but that he needed to drive over to Hayden to check out the baseball fields there. I said they were 'awesome' and that people like Triplecrown would be really welcome there."

Apparently, Triplecrown was excited about the idea of being welcomed in Hayden, so he let go of his painful grip on Town and took his baseball bat out of the Slap House. Upon exiting the establishment, Triplecrown was tased and severely beaten by the local police, who were monitoring the hostage situation from afar.

"Then everyone in the bar came outside to watch and cheer on the beat down," added Town. "And when he was finally taken away in the squad car, I said 'Goodbye, Triplecrown! Don't ever come back! This Town doesn't ever want to see you again!!!'"

"I just don't think it's appropriate for Steamboat Springs. This ain't New York," said Officer Rusty Curmudgeon, a third-generation Routt County resident nearing retirement. "I'm sure it's just an 'experimental phase' the Sheriff is going through. I bet he wanted to feel a little more dangerous, a little exotic. But what would his parents say?"

"Oh, no. It's not a phase. I'm never going back to white," countered Sheriff Jackson. "I've been attracted to black cars all my life. They just seem faster and cooler.

"But I know that all the vehicles are the same on the inside, and that's what's really important," he added. "And there's absolutely no truth to the rumor that the black vehicles are larger than the white ones. That's purely a myth."

Some officers are already noticing a difference in how the new cars are treated by local drivers.

"It's weird," noticed Officer Fred Judiced. "I think some drivers in this town, especially older drivers, are more afraid of the newly painted vehicles. I could be wrong, but it seems like when I pull up, they move to a different street. And they never make eye contact with me any more. Just weird."

Sheriff Jackson also hopes the vehicles' new paint jobs can help resolve some friction between his department and county officials, who have been very vocal in their displeasure about the department being hundreds of thousands of dollars over budget.

"I think this will be a real cost saver," said Jackson, despite the fact that each paint job cost thousands of dollars. "For one, black cars are faster, so we'll be able to do things more efficiently. And they'll stay warmer during the winter, so that should cut down on fuel costs trying to keep them things cozy. And, most importantly, dirt hardly shows up on these bad boys, so we should have to wash them a lot less. That's like $40 a week saved right there, so I think all those budget worry warts can get off my back, OK?"

Attorney Guy Wise, representing the Slugboat, really did his homework, although some are saying he just copied it from a classmate.  "Riverboat gambling is allowed on a vessel in a body of water.  The size of the body of water doesn't matter, and the vessel doesn't even have to be floating, just 'in' the water," said an overly excited Wise.  Slugboat manager Cokie Bindlesniff also is fired up.  "Gambling is really going to jack up our revenue stream there will be so many new customers as well as all our local regulars who all like to come in and have something to eat and drink and don't forget about après ski and poker night is also going to be great and somebody please stop me...." said Bindlesniff.

It was not all smooth sailing, noted Wise.  Citizens Against Riverboat Gambling In Burgess Creek Aboard The World Infamous Slugboat Bar, Beanery And Meet Market tried to sink the project.   CARGIBCATWISBBAMM president Mitzi Schnitzelfurz said, "This is the silliest protest yet.  But we felt someone had to do it and since our group already had the right name, it was a perfect fit.  But then that unctuous Guy Wise showed us that World Infamous status is even better than Historic status and they could do just about anything they wanted so we all went over to the Slopeslide for some pizza.  But I am secretly itching to play the slots."  Aren't we all, Mitzi.

"The real estate market in this town has crashed," noted Scari Helmutheadski, the council's president pro-temski. "And they're the engine that drives our local economy. If they collapse, then the whole city will collapse, and we couldn't allow that to happen."

The proposal, which was submitted by a coalition of local realtors and developers, allows City Council to buy up to, for now, $70 million worth of "bad real estate" that realtors "overspeculated on" and now can't sell. The city has agreed to buy these crappy investments at 130 percent of their current sale pricing, which would translate to roughly 390 percent above market value. Any participating realtor in the program will then get a standard 8 percent commission from each end of the transaction that they partake in, with an unlimited amount of agents able to take claim for any sale or purchase.

"It's a 'win-win' for realtors and the city of Steamboat Springs," added Councilperson Y. "Realtors can get back to making some serious money. And the developers can get back to selling every piece of property they can think of. Then a tiny fraction of their incomes will trickle down to the rest of the locals in the form of tips on bottles of Dom Perignon and car washes for luxury automobiles, like it should be in this town."

When asked how the city "won" in the deal, Councilperson Y noted that the city would receive sales tax on those extra bottles of Dom sold, and that amount would one day equal the $70 million that the city would give away to the wealthy realtors.

"If we didn't do something," added Helmutheadski, "the price tag of inaction would have been much more than $70 million. The realtors needed us to act decisively, so they could survive, and we did. And now they owe me their allegiance."

But not every member of the council was convinced of its necessity. President Anton Luinuci questioned where the city would come up with such a large amount of money.

"Are you guys freaking crazy?" he noted. "People went nuts when we bought Iron Horse for, what, a couple million. And now we're giving away $70 million? What the hell? Where'd that number come from?"

When it was learned that the precise amount of the bailout was pulled from the ass of one of the local realtors, Luinuci noted the excellence of the notion.

"Oh, that's just freaking perfect," he explained. "Why not? Let's let the realtors decide how much we give them. Great idea! And they're in such desperate need ...

"I've got another idea! Let's just give ourselves a bailout package! It's just money, right?! Let's give city council members $7 million, because what would happen to the city if we're not totally rich?!"

Luinuci's resolution was immediately seconded by Helmutheadski, but the measure failed by a narrow 4-5 margin, with Luinuci casting the deciding vote against it.

"My god, we suck," cried Luinuci as the meeting was adjourned.

In a joint effort with the City Council and Routt County Sheriff's Office, Stunningham announced that an auction of the marijuana obtained from the recent seizure of a local growth and distribution operation would provide funds for the settlement.

When asked about the maverick funding plan, chief architect Sheriff Stonedwall Jackson observed, "Since ninety percent of the people in town between the ages of 20 and 50 own a Subaru, a dog, and a bong, we feel that there will be ample demand for the confiscated marijuana, much of which was already ready for distribution. The remainder was dried and bagged by the sheriff's office and we have full confidence that we will be able to raise the entire $400,000 without costing the taxpayers an additional cent."

Response to the proposed plan was generally positive. "We certainly didn't want it to come out of the Gifted and Talented budget for our children," said one local parent, "but this is an acceptable solution."

The lawsuit, settled out of court yesterday morning, cited the District for "unfair evaluation practices," stating that the then Superintendent Soon Goodbyeser was not licensed by the COJOB, the Colorado Janitorial Oversight Board, and so was unqualified to judge the practices of Mr. Fivecoatsofpaint. "My floors and walls meet the criteria for a five-star rating from the COJOB." says the vindicated custodian, "But the former superintendent wouldn't be able to recognize that."

The lawsuit further claimed that Fivecoatsofpaint was "unfairly singled out for termination" due to the "personal grievance," of several Steamboat High staff. "I came down hard on them for putting staples in the walls, and they didn't like that. They said that the amount of time that it took them to use the proper adhesive to hang student posters placed an unfair burden on them and alleged that when they complained, I retaliated by not cleaning their rooms, but it's just not true."

When asked what she will do to avoid such costly legal battles in the future, current superintendent Mêlée Stunningham assured the public, "We are working very closely with the COJOB to become educated about Janitorial standards and practices and I myself am in the process of becoming a licensed inspector." Meanwhile, when asked what was next, the one-time fixture of SSHS hallways replied, "Early retirement and a time-share in Cabo. I've cleaned my last marijuana leaf off a whiteboard."

The case, filed by the parents of a Steamboat Springs Dance Showcase member demands that the district immediately implement policies that enable students to "receive their education in an environment that is not aesthetically hostile" and to "protect students and parents who bring allegations of aesthetic hostility to the school district from retaliation." The twelve-page document details the history of the "deliberate indifference to student-on-student harassment," citing instances of "inappropriate rubbing" and the use of inappropriate terminology and disparaging nicknames as creating a hostile learning environment.

The community-at-large responded with cries of protest and bafflement. "There is no evidence of institutional anti-aesthetism here in Steamboat," said one confused citizen, who declined to be identified. "I mean what do they want? A day off school to honor Martha Graham? A ballet-awareness program? Green Circle for dance? We're not in the business of discrimination here, we just want to go about our daily lives."

"It's all part of a larger plan to more directly address the needs of our student body," says MacVista. "Taking our inspiration from the Lowell Whiteman School's philosophy of experiential education, we are moving away from classroom-based education with such new offerings as 'Physics through Longboarding (PtL)' and 'the Calculus of Snowboard Design,' a class offered jointly through the Ski and Snowboard Business and Mathematics departments." English professor Ima Alsoawriterinski adds, "In an effort to combat my classroom attendance problem once the mountain opens, I will also be giving quizzes via text."

A beta program was introduced to three freshman comp classes last semester, including Professor Alsoawriterinski's, who says that overall attendance in her classes did improve although she received the following text, "hit a gpr. gonna b l8." When asked for feedback students in her classes raved, "no more spll chk!" and "luv doin hw on line @ bshr."

Enthusiastic posts regarding the upcoming changes were also to be found on student blogs. "its rad I cn pst my hw frm the gndy n not miss a gnrly pow day" says skichamppow2007, while air2fakie commented simply, "LOL :)."

The move was hoped to quell citizen concerns now that Oak Creek no longer has a police chief or any officers or anyone at all resembling law enforcement after the previous officers resigned over the "whole Cargo taser thing."

"It's been like the Wild West around here lately," said Peter Pinochio, owner of Pinochio's Drugs. "Young hooligans are running around scaring people with guns and other weapons. People are boozing out on the street--well, even more than they used to. And I'm pretty sure someone opened up a brothel on Third Street. That's just a rumor, though. I haven't been there or anything."

In addition to dummies being placed in police cars and parked strategically on Oak Creek streets, free-standing police dummies will be placed randomly near bars, liquor stores, banks and other potential problem areas. Some will be staged with their arms crossed, while others may be placed in a "walking around" position.

"To make sure that the dummies in law-enforcement uniforms aren't just ignored, the Steamboat Springs Sheriff Department will randomly show up and take the place of the real dummies," noted Sheriff Stonedwall Jackson. "So just when you think you can get away with something, that dummy you see will be an actual Steamboat officer. Ha! So you better think twice before committing crimes in Oak Creek. Will it be a dummy? Will it be a Sheriff? Will you be able to tell the difference?"

To prevent any dummy vandalism, it will be a $200 fine if anyone is caught damaging, defacing or placing any police dummies into sexual positions. Anyone doing so is expected to take and fill out a form attached to the police dummies and turn it into the Sheriff's department.

"We call it 'honor system justice,'" said Rent-a-Dummies owner  Manny Kinn. "It may not seem like a good way to fight crime, but it is cheap."

Unfortunately, it seems that some Oak Creek residents are leery of the new law-enforcement dummies in town.

 "So we're replacing dummies with more dummies?" asked Dinty Moore, a longtime Oak Creek resident. "Great. So if we need any real police help, we have to wait for the Sheriff to bike over here? Oh yeah, that should really put the fear in any would-be criminals. Why is everyone around here some god-damned stupid! Is there something in the god-damned water!"

The Electric/Green Operator (E/GO) is the latest full-size hybrid vehicle created by Ford Motors, and Zurich Taylor purchased one to lessen her carbon footprint and save money at the pump. Unfortunately, her E/GO is so large that she was unable to navigate CR 36 with its current five-foot biking shoulder.

"Let me tell you," noted Zurich. "My E/GO is huge, and I'm not that good of a driver, to be honest. I can barely stay in my lane with that thing. So when I see a biker up in front of me, I just close my eyes and hope I can get around them without knocking them into a ditch or me losing control of my E/GO. So something had to be done."

Mrs. Taylor then proposed to the commissioners that the biking shoulder be reduced to two inches in width, giving the Taylor E/GO an additional nine feet and eight inches to navigate CR 36, which has been widely known to occasionally bend or even "head off in a whole new direction."

At the meeting to discuss the proposed measure, 342 residents attended to voice their opposition to the road widening. Many were residents along CR 36, and others were members of the bicycling community. They also presented a petition with another 874 signatures of those who also opposed the widening. Zurich Taylor was the only attendee in favor of the measure.

The measure quickly passed with a 2-1 vote.

"What the fu$%?" asked local bicyclist Lance Legstrong, who regularly bikes along CR 36. "Everyone but her was against this, and there wasn't any rational reason ever presented for the widening, but it passed anyway? Seriously, what the fu$%?"

When asked if the measure was approved simply because Zurich is the wife of a state senator, Commissioner Dong Longer vehemently denied the accusation.

"That's ridiculous," said Longer. "I find it offensive that anyone would think that this could be a political decision. This was decided in the best interest of the county."

When asked how this was in the best interest of the county, Longer replied, "Have you seen the size of her E/GO? It's massive. There's nothing else we could do. Besides, she's married to a state senator, and if I want to rise in the ranks, I really need to kiss his ass."

Commissioner Diane Hates-Bush was the lone and frustrated dissenting vote.

"I just want to apologize to the biking, horseback-riding, kid-strolling, running, jogging, walking community," stated Hates-Bush. "I know none of you wanted the lane widened, but apparently Mrs. Taylor's giant E/GO won out over your concerns. I really don't know what else to say.

"Just be careful using the new two-inch shoulder," she added. "And try to stay out of the way of the big E/GO."

As soon as he is ensconced in his new job, there will be a slight name change to The Finger Rock (see accompanying photograph).  "This is a real step up for me," said Mr. Rock, "both in attitude and location.  My apologies to Finger Rock Fish Hatchery," which will be renamed Middle of B.F. Nowhere Fish Hatchery.

Scari Helmetheadski, Ski Town City Council President Pro-temski, had this to say about the change.  "Sleeping Giant did a good job in his time.  But he represented a laid-back, twentieth century mindset that no longer works in these edgy, no-nonsense times.  I think the public has grown tired of a highly paid public official doing so much sleeping on the job.  I share The Finger  Rock's sentiment: if you don't like it, @#*&in' move!"

Sleeping Giant, meanwhile, is his usual philosophical self about the change.  He received a generous severance package from the city and he plans on doing some travelling before he settles down again.  "I've been corresponding with the San Francisco Giants and the New York Giants regarding the possibility of doing some promotional work for them.  And there are still plenty of sleepy little towns across this great land of ours who would love to see the sun setting behind me.  I have no hard feelings toward The Finger Rock.  I'm sure he will do a great job flipping off this end of the valley.  But, I have a feeling that when the next issue of the Pirate and Yesterday comes along, I'll be back."

The Pirate & Yesterday (PY) recently caught up with Billy Kidd (BK) to find out.

PY: What do you think Jonny can bring to the mountain?
BK: Well, I think he will appeal to the Slacker-Games crowd--you know, the Red-Bull generation. But someone still needs to reach out to the "white zin" folks. It's like this: He's MTV, I'm C-Span. I'm a little bit country, he's a little bit rock-n-roll.

PY: So you're more Marie Osmond and he is more Donny Osmond?
BK: Yeah, you could say that.

PY: Have you ever attempted the notorious Dinner Roll?
BK: No, but I'm working on something bigger and better. An inverted, 90-degree-rotation spread eagle. I call it the "Crusty Biscuit."

PY: Have you nailed this Crusty Biscuit you speak of?
BK: Not yet ... I'm still dialing it in.

PY: I see. What part are you still dialing in?
BK: The inverted, 90-degree-rotation part. But I can do a spread eagle, which I renamed the "Crusty Muffin."

PY: What's the most challenging aspect of being Steamboat's mountain representative?
BK: Getting to the top of the gondola everyday by 1:00 p.m. I hate that dang sign. I wish I could just offer up some ski tips from Slopeside during après ski. That would be a lot easier on the old joints. I mean, new joints ... not that I have anything to do with joints. Kids should stay away from drugs, right?

PY: Any words of advice for Jonny?
BK: Sure, two things: A Stetson hat and a one-piece ski suit. They never go out of style, just like Billy Kidd.

Up until March 2008, Steamboat had been restricted by Article 4-20 of the Year-Round Resort Constitution, which specifically states that any town hoping to be promoted as a four-season tourist destination had to have at its disposal four balls for each person in that town.

"When it came to getting rid of Triple Crown, it was always a matter of Steamboat not having enough balls," stated Tee Bagger, city liaison to Triple Crown. "We couldn't meet our quota without Triple Crown, so we kept inviting them back--summer after summer. They bring a lot of balls with them."

It's believed that the two newest golf courses, HayHayHay and Ratamount, were crucial in providing Steamboat with enough balls to part ways with Triple Crown and its influx of tourist dollars.

"Golfers need a lot of balls," added Bagger. "But they play with tiny balls, and they lose their balls all the time."

But the final count was officially achieved when the Knutts family, complete with their collection of bocce and croquet balls as well as a pool table, moved to Steamboat in March, allowing the city to meet Article 4-20 without Triple Crown's help.

"We were really excited to find out we brought the balls to Steamboat that it had been lacking," said Sal T. Knutts. "We had no idea Steamboat was lacking in balls until we moved here. It feels good to have our balls so desired."

Although Tee Bagger lost his job as liaison when Triple Crown was cancelled, he insists that he's happy about how things worked out.

"I hated Triple Crown," he noted. "It feels great to finally have the balls to tell them to 'eff off.'"

"Why should she have all the fun?  We're stuck here dealing with yet another superintendent, while Scowl got to move on to her goody-goody job at the Ski Town Housing Authority," snarled grizzled School Board veteran Vincent DeJohnis.  "Three of us got voted in with that corny 'Learn Your ABCs' campaign.  Now, ABC stands for 'A Buncha Cash,' " chortled new and soon to be former School Board member Pieca Brownie.

This unprecedented yet devilishly creative action has left interim superintendent Soon Goodbyeser scratching her head.  "Without a School Board to harass me incessantly, I'm feeling a bit at sea.  So, since this happened, I've just been playing Minesweeper on my computer and hanging around the school central kitchen sampling the cooking.  The Yankee Bean Casserole is to die for.  You don't happen to have a handful of Tums handy, do you?" grimaced Goodbyeser.

Now, the School District is faced with the challenge of operating without a School Board, at least temporarily.  One idea that has been bandied about is letting the students share the responsibility, grade by grade, starting with Kindergarten.  "From what I've heard, it can't possibly get any more childish than it was," said Goodbyeser.  Another thought was to take a cue from the Ski Town City Council and hire a consultant to study the problem for a year or two.  Interim Superintendent Soon Goodbyeser was very much in favor of this idea, because, as she put it with a smile on her face, "by the time the consultant has finished the study, somebody or other will have bought me out of my contract and I'll be sitting pretty, too." 
Because of the generous nature of all these buyouts, and all the publicity as a result, the Ski Town School District now has 26,581 applications for the superintendent's job currently on file.

(For a graphic to accompany this article, how about a pie chart labeled "Budget" showing a teensy slice for the schools and all the rest for buyouts?)  

In an effort to create a "green" Steamboat, Routt County Sheriff Stoned Wall Jackson has proposed that the police force consider alternative, fuel-efficient modes of transportation to conduct routine police duties.  Wall hopes that by "going green," less-harmful air pollutants and greenhouse gas emissions would be produced in our beautiful Yampa Valley.

"I think it would be terrific if we examined all the eco-friendly possibilities, such as police cars fueled by biodiesel or even alternatives that may be considered outside the box" stated Wall.  He continues, "Because I like to lead by example, I currently have been partaking in some field testing of my own by carpooling, riding the bus, and even hitchhiking while on duty."

According to Wall, Steamboat can learn from our neighbors up north.  "For instance, take a look at Canada.  Canada's national police force, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, uses horses to provide police services and law enforcement throughout its country."  Wall notes the potential benefits from using horses to patrol Steamboat: "Not only are the methane emissions from horses a much smaller contributor to global warming, but the use of horses would continue to promote that quintessential Western town that Steamboat prides itself on."

When asked about the obvious negative impact associated with this horse-driven alternative, Wall responds that the "residual" left behind from the horses would only make Steamboat smell more "western" and add to the town's unique charm that tourist have come to love.

"It's not right for him to get away with that," said Councilperson Steve Icantsee. "When we heard he was getting in trouble for copying other people's stuff, we decided right away that we'd get on that bandwagon and see where it takes us. It's kind of how we operate around here."

When it was noted that the only two words that are the same are "change" and "can," Councilperson Quinnagin Beginnagin defended their lawsuit, noting that those are the two most important words.

"Plus it's really in the spirit of his message, about bringing change and all that crap," noted Beginnagin. "We've been changing things left and right: changing laws, changing positions, changing decisions ... shoot, we change our seats at meetings all of the time."

Councilperson Icantsee also noted that Steamboat Springs itself is all about change.

"Downtown is changing before our eyes. When all those cranes, dump trucks and other assorted eyesores are gone, that area will have changed so much that you'll hardly recognize it," he continued. "And wait until you see what happens with Ski Time Square. The whole thing's getting leveled! Talk about Changetastic!

"Ha! That's a good one," said Icantsee. "I bet Obama tries to steal that one from us, too. Changetastic ... I'm gonna propose that as our new slogan. Maybe make some bumper stickers. That's what this council needs: bumper stickers! I'm on fire today!"

Unfortunately, the council wasn't sure how to go about suing someone for plagiarism. But just as they were about to give up their litigation, Councilperson Scari Helmetheadski found an article on the subject on the Web. She then simply copied that entire article and pasted it into an official City Council document, which each member signed and took original credit for creating.

"You think we can't sue you for plagiarism, Senator?" asked Helmetheadski proudly. "I say 'Yes, we can!'

"You can take that to the bank!" she added. "Just be careful taking it to some banks around here."

According to a statement from one of the hijackers, hihorse41, the invasion will not cease until their demands are met.

"We want to be recognized for the vital impact we have on Steamboat Springs, without actually being recognized, because that would take away our ability insult and condescend to everyone else without any consequences," wrote hihorse41 at 3:18 a.m.

When informed of the terrorist attack, Pirate and Yesterday Editor Bent Boner yawned  and drank some coffee.

"Yeah, thanks for the notice," said Boner. "Welcome to my life. Want some doughnuts? They're good today."

Another terrorist, holierthanthou, demanded the virtual release of fellow comrades MrightNURwrong and URstupid33.

"We know you have denied Commenting access to our compatriots," wrote holierthanthou at 3:25 a.m. "If they aren't allowed to Comment within 48 hours, we will unleash hell from our keypads. Your monitors will be soaked with blood and really nasty comments about your mother."

When informed of these specific demands, Bent Boner read Doonesbury and finished a Soduku.

"Oh, you mean you want a real answer about these freaks? I thought you were just kidding. Yeah, I think we blocked those log ins. One kept insulting an 84-year-old granny on her deathbed. I think the other one was giving out directions to a 12-year-old's house so people could hassle his family. Not that any one of them would actually confront anyone, which is why we don't pay any attention to them."

When asked if Boner ever considered discontinuing the Comments section on the paper's Web site, he noted that the world was probably safer if the bloggers stayed indoors all day.

"If we shut down the Comments, I'm afraid they might actually go outside," added Boner. "I mean, would you actually want to meet one of those people? Now that would cause some real terror.

"But let me know how their hijacking is going. We couldn't be more concerned ..." said Boner as he played some solitaire on his computer.

Comments (from local newspaper Web site)

Sboatloser 2:12 a.m.

Where does this reporter, lonelyNeedAlife, get off saying things like that about hihorse41? I hate that reporter! I say we find out where he or she lives, and light a bag of dog turds on the doorstep!

imajagoff 2:13 a.m.

Yeah! Great idea, sboatloser. We'll show everyone at that paper who's boss. They're all so stupid. If they ever met hihorse41, they'd know what a genius he or she is. Not that I've ever met him or her. Or anyone else in a really long time.

sboatloser 2:13 a.m.

So wanna play some World of Warcraft? My mom's asleep, so I can play what I want now.

imajagoff 2:14 a.m.

Sure, but I get to be the warlock this time. But before I go: everyone else sucks! Yeah!

In a large-scale illustration of unintended consequences, a new resistant hybrid crane is overtaking the Yampa Valley. Professor Seymour Biggassi, head of CMC's ornithology department, believes that a new strain of crane has evolved in the Yampa Valley, the result of unintended interbreeding between local cranes and visitors from Vail and Snowmass.

"If you know what to look for, it really is quite easy to distinguish between the two varieties of crane," said Biggassi. "Cranes native to the Yampa Valley can be identified by their ability to fold themselves up and move from place to place on their own wheels. The species found in the Vail Valley are much larger and lack this ability. Many of the cranes you now see are of the larger Vail variety. The males are easily identified by their huge counterweights. The one at the ski mountain is even building a new nest for itself. This is classic Vail crane behavior."

This new species of hybrid crane, known to locals as the Biggassi Crane, has negatively impacted its surroundings by leaving a residue of obnoxious, overpriced multi-use buildings with a nouveau-urban pseudo-western cachet. These excremental buildings are so similar in design that it is almost impossible to tell them apart, causing tourists to wander about with even more bewildered expressions, asking, "Where can I buy a Breckenridge t-shirt?" It is theorized that these buildings may be genetic clones.

Professor Bigassi noted that the new cranes "have no natural predators in the Yampa Valley. The Vail and Snowmass valleys are very narrow and provide a natural deterrent to the cranes. They seem to thrive in the wide, flat-bottomed Yampa Valley. They are expected to eat, build their nests and breed across the valley floor at record levels for the foreseeable future.

Biggassi believes that the new hybrid species is the result of interbreeding. "Somehow, the Vail crane was introduced to the Yampa Valley. One could have arrived here by accident, or maybe it was on purpose, like a fisherman dumping a bucketful of smallmouth bass into a trout lake." Whatever the reason, the new cranes are here to stay.

In a bold, innovative environmental move that seems to go counter to any previous species regulation, the downtown area has been designated an endangered habitat and the offending species, the Bigassi crane, has been relocated to new digs on nearby local icon Sleeping Giant. According to town spokesperson Ima Bigassi (Professor Bigassi's sister), City Council supports the relocation effort and believes sleeping Giant would actually benefit from a little pseudo-western cachet excrement. 

Reckless Development is currently touring in support of their new album, "Raze Your Consciousness," which includes the hit single, "I-Beam Me Up, Scottie."  "Even after all these years, our fan base is still building," says drummer Digger Komatsu.  "We hope that trend will continue."  Komatsu says he used many unconventional pieces of equipment to create the percussion effects for the album, including 2 x 4's, shovels, picks and even a backhoe.

I asked lead singer Cat Erpillar to talk about the outside influences for "Raze Your Consciousness."  "Well," she replied," it's not like we had a blueprint or anything.  We're just winging it.  We really dig the band Traffic.  It's like our foundation sound.  So nothing we do is set in concrete until we construct a framework and head into the studio.  But I will say my favorite song is Pink Floyd's 'Another Brick In The Wall.' "

Rounding out Reckless Development are guitarist Jack Hammer and Nomar Littleguy on keyboards, who are also the band's songwriting team.  "We're already working on the songs for our next album, 'Condo Bondage.'  We really want to broaden our appeal."  Come out and listen to Reckless Development bring down the house, before reckless development brings down the house. 

Gertie, who now only speaks to City Council members via well-articulated farts, cited Internet searches that indicate a growing number of people supporting his cause by "hitting the streets."

"I think it's wonderful," farted Gertie to Anton Luinuci, president of Steamboat Springs City Council. "These people don't have to do this, you know. But they choose to live on the sidewalk, like I do, to show the rest of the world that I, Hertie Gertie, deserve to be able to sell booze to vacationing tourists.

"And based on the data I've found," he continued farting, "the numbers of those supporting me are continuing to grow at a very rapid rate. They must be reading about me online. There's no other explanation for this kind of behavior. I mean, why else would they live on the street?"

"Mr. Gertie, that's ridiculous," interrupted Scari Helmetheadski, another member of Steamboat's City Council. "Those people are living on the street because -"

At that point, Mr. Gertie pulled down his pants, bent over and smacked his butt cheeks in the direction of City Council. Several Council members then proceeded to pull down their pants and moon Mr. Gertie. Some male members of City Council also waved their penises in Gertie's direction.

"You'll never shut me up!" farted Gertie particularly loudly. "Until I can walk into Dang Gummit and order myself a Fuzzy Navel, I'm going to keep on living on the street, just like my millions of fans!"

After Gertie ran, farting, out of the meeting, and the air quality improved enough to breathe again, Helmetheadski proposed a motion to ban Hertie Gertie from Steamboat Springs entirely. The motion was rejected 4-3.

"I'm afraid to do anything more with Mr. Gertie," said Luinuci. "I just don't know what he'd come up with. None of us saw this sidewalk protest coming, and it's made all of us, town included, look like idiots. I don't want to take any chances of him coming up with something even crazier. Let's just leave him on the sidewalk where we can see him."

Dip Dandy, Director of Marketing and Mark-ups at the resort, told reporters that "We thought this would be a great way to celebrate this year's enormous snowfall. Steamboat has been engorged with snow this winter.  We have received over 445 inches of Champagne Powder ® at mid-mountain already, and we just keep adding on the inches." According to Dandy, "skiers and riders will be able to make turns up on the hill until the snow is gone."

The original closing date was scheduled for Sunday, April 6, and would have been the earliest and most dysfunctional closing in Steamboat history. The season opened nine days late and would have been the shortest ever at 129 days including Leap Day if not for the enhancement.

Details of the augmentation were spelled out by Schneidly Whiplash, Director of Skier Servicing at the Steamboat ski area.  "When Intracourse says extend, I say how far?" According to Schneidly, "This is our way of achieving our maximum potential and saying thank you to all our loyal customers. By operating with a minimal staff, like we have become accustomed to, we will be able to provide limited skier services indefinitely. We'll keep Johnny Rottin, legendary "Nigh J" up at Thunderhead and everything else should pretty much just take care of itself, like it always does."

The Pirate and Yesterday contacted the Routt National Forest in order to discuss Intracourse's operating permit on the forest.  Janet Treefaller, U.S. Forest Circus liaison to the ski area reports "No new permits or extensions were issued to Intracourse by this office. By 'limited skier services' they mean... no ski patrol, no ski school, no food service, no grooming, and no lift operations.  However, the Steamboat ski area is on Federal land and anyone can recreate there any time of year. So, enjoy the snow."

The end of season employee party is still scheduled for Monday, April 7.  Remember to bring your employee pass in order to receive a free draft beer and a foot-long hotdog.

The 900,000 liter amount likely will increase as the investigation continues, Steamboat Springs police Capt. Poel Sprae said. Thursday's arrests were the result of a six-week undercover operation.
Two alleged victims, Peter Wacksoff and Joe Slocum reported sizeable thefts from their Alpine Sperm Bank accounts in mid-January, prompting the investigation. Sprae said there could be additional victims, and investigators are looking into the possibility that sperm also was stolen from Sperm Bank of the Week customers, where the women have worked for the past several months.

The case is being jointly investigated by the Steamboat Springs Police Department and the Routt and Grand Narcotics and Eco-terrorism Taskforce (RAGNET), with assistance from an investigator with the Federal Sperm Deposit Insurance Corporation (FSDIC). The special investigator arrived in Steamboat on Tuesday at the request of Alpine Sperm Bank, which wanted help protecting its assets.

"In these cases, the bank ends up being the victim, because they end up fully reimbursing the account holders, and this is an inconceivable amount of sperm to reimburse" Sprae spewed.

According to Wacksoff, "I used to visit Alpine Sperm Bank two or three times a day, and both these women have always been so friendly and helpful during my daily deposits. I trusted them with my valuables and now I feel totally betrayed. I don't know where I'll go tomorrow when the urge comes on."  Slocum expressed similar sentiments stating that, "Sometimes it takes me over two hours to make a single deposit, and these tellers never hurried me or jerked me around. It is devastating that all my hard work has just disappeared without a trace.

Captain Sprae declined to comment on what led investigators to Spermaceti and Fatka Lode. "The accused have been very tight lipped about their methods for stealing from account holders. Neither one has opened their mouths since they were arrested, and this makes it very difficult to determine how they were removing such massive quantities from the bank."

According to the FSDIC investigator, "We believe they may have been selling their spoils on the Asian black market where it is very popular as an aphrodisiac. It's good advice for everybody to keep an eye on their bank statements and to keep sure that things are in order."

"We're trying to look at the problem from a much broader perspective than it has been looked at previously. This whole question of affordability has come to the forefront.  It had to finally get to a point where it was affecting enough people that it became a community issue," said Buck Glomberg, founder and chairman of the group that has come to be known as the "affordable housing sinkhole."  "What's funny is that I actually believe that there is some kind of meaning in that statement," snickered Mr. Glomberg. 

Gonna Scowl, executive high priestess of the Ski Town Housing Authority, has attended meetings of the affordable housing sinkhole.  She said the group is not duplicating the work of the Housing Authority because neither group is really doing anything.  "It's hard to duplicate nothingness," scowled Scowl, "so we're not going to lose any sleep over it.  The sinkhole has functioned very much as a networking organization, to use a really overworked phrase.  I think that means they go to a lot of cocktail parties."

City Councilpresidentperson Anton Luinucci breathlessly announced at last week's City Council meeting that the city council had just consulted with Consultancy Consultants, a consulting firm, about an affordable housing study.  "As far as housing studies go, this is the most affordable one we've ever wasted money on."  Councilpresidentperson-in-waiting Scari Helmetheadski agreed, but still cuffed Luinucci on the back of the head.  "Antonucci," Helmetheadski snarled, "Why I oughta...!"

Steamboat 700 Club principle and Project Manager Manny Camelately was more philosophical.  "We're just going to sit back, play nice and cash in no matter what happens," said Camelately.

Steamboat Pirate and Yesterday Editor Bent Boner weighed in with his take on the affordable housing hoopla.  "Well, as journalists, we try to remain objective about the issue, although it is hard not to laugh.  Basically, whenever an advertiser cancels an ad at the last minute, we just fill the empty space with another article about affordable housing.  There may be an affordable housing shortage, but there's no shortage of talk about it."  Ain't that the truth!