Written by Cy N. Mighty Wednesday, 07 August 2013
Building off his sketch-comedy inducing efforts to introduce legislation requiring Craig, Colo., "heads of households" to own and brandish firearms at all possible time, Craig Crumble, from Craig, naturally, introduced new legislation requiring citizens there to smoke, dip or chew tobacco as well as carry a Bible with them at all times.
"I just want Craig to be more 'Merican, unlike that Commie Steamboat place," mumbled Crumble as he spit tobacco juice on the floor and raised his Bible in the air. "And nothin's more 'Merican than tobaccah and the Bible--New Testament of course. Old Testament's OK as a starter, but you need Jesus in your heart to be a real 'Merican. Otherwise you're just Jewish."
Crumble cited the country's Founding Fathers as inspiration for the new laws. However, his parents, with whom the 48-year-old still lives with, noted that he cites imaginary writings of the Founding Fathers for everything he does.
"He'll only eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch," notes Larry Crumble, his apologetic father. "He says that's all Thomas Jefferson ate for lunch, so that's good enough for him. I actually tried to look that one up on the...Add a comment
Written by Tiger Woods 2.0 Thursday, 18 July 2013
Three-time Olympic medalist, world champion and Steamboat icon Johnny Spillane announced his retirement from Nordic-combined racing to spend more time tarnishing his perfect image among fans and Steamboat Springs residents.
"Sure, I said all the usual things about retiring to spend more time with my family, blah, blah, blah," noted Spillane in a candid interview with the Pirate News Network. "But I want to be like most 'big-time' athletes and really get out there to spoil this 'perfect-guy, goody-two-shoes' image I've been carrying around like a lead anvil all these years."
Spillane's primary focus on his "Golden No More" image campaign will be his continued work as the public face of the Three Men and an Olympian group seeking to build an unwanted and legally and politically impossible casino near the Hayden airport, but he hasn't ruled out other popular methods to ruin his public personae.
"My Negative Publicist, Muddy Thoughters, said the quickest way to really go...Add a comment
Sheriff Declares Amendment 64 to State Constitution 'Unconstitutional and Unenforceable,' Refuses to Do Nothing about Marijuana Use
Written by Kandy Kush Monday, 27 May 2013
Routt County Sheriff Starett Bigguns recently joined a larger group of Colorado Sheriffs who decided that Amendment 64, which legalized marijuana in small amounts, is "unenforceable" as the law is now written, so they play on ignoring the new legislation completely.
"My crack legal mind has decipherized that Amendment 64, due to marijuana's federal illegalness and the general hippy nature of it, is 100 percent ... unenforceable," said Bigguns. "I don't need any law degree or judgeship or any form of legal standing whatsoever to tell me that. I can see with my own two eyes that Amendment 64 is just hippy-dippy nonsense, so our Sheriff Department will be ignoring it--like it never existed."
Sheriff Bigguns instructed his staff to stop enforcing Amendment 64, which required them to do nothing about marijuana possession and use. Although normally quite fine with doing nothing while on duty, Sheriff Bigguns couldn't stomach the idea of not arresting people for pulling bong tubes in the comfort of their homes.
"I can only do nothing on the job when it doesn't...Add a comment
- Last Remaining Herd of Wild Snowmobiles Spotted near Hahn's Peak
- Steamboat's Special Anniversary Planner Furiously Seeking New Anniversaries to Justify Her Position
- Organization Slams Winter Carnival for Misconstruing Meaning of 'Flash Mob'
- 'Unappreciated' Fire and Police Departments Suspected of Leaving Poop Bomb Outside City Council Meeting
- Denver Hears about '24 in 24,' Flocks to Steamboat for Long Lines and Tracked-Out Snow
- Routt County Mental Health Improving, Study Credits Newspaper Commenters for Uplift
- City Council Passes New Year's Resolution 13-B, Vowing to Quit Smoking, Eat Healthier and Stop Passing Stupid-Ass Resolutions
- Friends of Chief, the Dog, Concerned because New Owners Have No Idea What to Do with a Dog
Page 1 of 34«StartPrev12345678910NextEnd»