Entertainment

Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Leaving Cleveland, 'Taking Its Talented Musicians to South Beach'

Written by Wes Paul Tuesday, 03 July 2012

Shortly after watching LeBron James win an NBA championship with the Miami Heat, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum, after 17 years of toiling away futilely in Cleveland, announced that it would be relocating in Miami immediately in order to "get what I deserve."Following LeBron James' success, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum quickly found a new home on South Beach. Neighbors said the museum at first stank of stale beer and failure, but the ocean breeze and sunny skies have cleansed the building, leaving it smelling of suntan lotion and success.

Kicking off an elaborate press event known as "The Rockcision," the museum, now going by the acronym RARHOFM, announced to interviewer Jim Gray that "I'm taking my talented musicians to South Beach," which is celebrity-speak for "Fu@k You, Cleveland, I'm moving to Miami."

RARHOFM explained that after watching LeBron James bail on Cleveland for a better team and better location, and seeing that within two years he received the championship, recognition and glory that he long sought, but didn't find, in Cleveland, that these were the footsteps the museum needed to follow.

"LeBron was the pioneer," added RARHOFM. "He was Cleveland, more than any other icon, including myself--even more than Drew Carey. And if he could realize that...

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Nickelback Launches Twitter Attacks on Negative Criticism, No Longer Has Time to Make Music

Written by Fluff Rock Monday, 19 March 2012

Canadian Cheese-Rock band Nickelback has grown tired of people making fun of them on social media, and they're not gonna take it anymore. According to a Rolling Stone article, the band is vigorously defending themselves against any negative tweets or Facebook postings, sending a personal message such as "yeah, well you're the one that sucks" to each and every attack. To find time to answer all of their legion of critics, the band also announced that it is cancelling all tours and no longer working on writing anything music related.Canadian sort-of-rock band Nickelback has launched a fierce anti-anti-Nickelback social media campaign, spending all of their waking hours responding to critical rantings from musically responsible geeks and bloggers.

"We're just fed up to here," said guitarist and lead vocalist Chad Kroeger, motioning his hands up to his eyeballs. "And we believe that when someone says something we feel is false, you have to defend yourself. So that's what we're going to do. It's all aboot setting the record straight, so we're going to do that instead of worrying about any musical records."

According to members of the "Don't Fu&$ with Nickelback Strikeforce," a team of 14 diehard Nickelback fans and band members are sending "necessarily unpleasant" messages back to anyone in the world who types anything negative of Nickelback...

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LGBT Numbers Increasing, Study Cites Pandora as Leading Cause

Written by K.D. Bang Tuesday, 28 February 2012

Recent research indicates that those declaring themselves part of the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender (LGBT) community are increasing in numbers, up 23 percent from the same time a year ago. The same study also indicated that 83 percent of those who say they recently "came out of the closet" did so after listening to a lot of Pandora."I clearly like gay music, so I must be gay," said Guy Sandwich (right), one of thousands of music lovers worldwide who have recently been introduced to their own gayness through Pandora, the online music service that knows your tastes better than you do. "I just hope I'll learn to like anal intercourse as much as the music."

The popular online music site, which features a sophisticated computer model that matches a listener's "likes" and "preferences" to help find new music that he or she should also like, easily outdistanced "I could just feel it" and "I'm subconsciously trying to piss off my parents" as the leading explanation for why most people joined the LGBT community.

"I was listening to Pandora again, like I usually do," notes Guy Sandwich, just one of the many thousands of listeners who recently realized he was gay. "I've been using it for a long time, and it knows my tastes really well. So I started to become suspicious of my sexual orientation after a Sufjan Stevens song was...

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Cruise Liners Long for Glory Days as Lame, Non-Experience for Old People

Written by Carnie Val Monday, 13 February 2012

Rocked by the negative press of a cruise ship that wrecked off the coast of Italy and other recent "unpleasantries," the Cruise Line Association of the Pacific (The CLAP) launched a massive PR campaign to persuade potential passengers that sailing on a cruise ship is neither dangerous nor life-altering in any way.Hoping to stem a dropoff in passenger numbers due to recent cruise ship "mishaps" (left), the industry is fighting back with a PR campaign focused on reminding potential passengers that a cruise ship vacation is just as safe and bland as they expect it to be (right).

"Sailing on a beautiful, over-engineered cruise ship is just as safe and bland as a walk through a shopping mall," noted Carrie Beann, spokesperson for The CLAP. "You have a much higher chance of being killed driving to your local, corporate coffee shop. You also would have a better chance of seeing something authentic about the area you are visiting. As long as the captain isn't a drunken weasel of a man, cruise vacations are still the best way to gorge yourself on prime rib and tiramisu buffets in...

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