Politics/Government

'I Dare Obama to Try and Take Away My Snowballs!'

Written by Chillie Palmer Monday, 28 January 2013

Sparked by a rumor heard on the elementary school playgrounds, eight-year-old snowball-rights activist Pepper Neighbors has spent most of her free time between ballet classes and freeze tag amassing a huge arsenal of snowballs in her "Snowmageddon Bunker."Pepper Neighbors, a second-grade student in Colorado and third-cousin-removed to Charlton Heston, had one thing to say to President Obama should he try and take away her snowballs: "You'll have to pry my snowballs from my cold, numb hands."

"I heard from Tommy that Obama did some president stuff and was now coming to take away my snowballs," noted Neighbors. "And Tommy is in fourth grade, so he knows about these things. But I love my snowballs, and I'll never let Obama take away my secondary manendment right to have a huge pile of them and throw them at stuff."

After witnessing Ms. Neighbors compiling hundreds of snowballs in her five-foot-tall snow fort, a neighbor and snowball-control proponent Marty Pooper reported the activity to her parents.

"Why does anyone need to have that many snowballs?" asked Pooper, after returning from a neighborhood party that he apparently wasn't invited to. "Isn't, say, 10 snowballs enough to keep the stray dogs away or have a snowball fight with your friends? I really think her parents are...

Read more: 'I Dare Obama to Try and Take Away My Snowballs!'

Congress Avoids Fiscal Cliff, Awaits Upcoming Battle over Fiscal F*ck You

Written by Winnie Willitend Monday, 07 January 2013

In a deadline deal to avoid universal tax increases and deep budget cuts, the U.S. Congress passed legislation to avoid the so-called "fiscal cliff." However, several contested issues were merely postponed, and a February deadline looms over the U.S. debt ceiling and massive budget cuts that should be more venomously contested than this last debacle.Although Congressional leaders barely avoided going over the fiscal cliff, a new and more contested battle is expected over how to deal with the upcoming fiscal f*ck you.

"I know we just passed this fiscal cliff legislation," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. "But the next battle, in just two months, is going to be even nastier, so we need a really dramatic name for it. I'm calling it the 'fiscal f*ck you.'"

Reid explained that he locked in on the new name shortly after U.S. House of Representatives Speaker John Boehner recently and publicly instructed Reid to "go f*ck yourself" ... twice to avoid any misinterpretation.

Reid further explained that before Boehner's comments, he considered naming the upcoming battle the "fiscal Armageddon" or "fiscal apocalypse" in honor of the Mayan misunderstanding on December 21, but now he's certain that "fiscal f*ck you" is the right term for what lies ahead.

"The fiscal cliff was just Tiddly Winks compared to the upcoming fight on the debt...

Read more: Congress Avoids Fiscal Cliff, Awaits Upcoming Battle over Fiscal F*ck You

Republicans Vow to Limit Obama to 'Two-Term President'

Written by Cam Painagain Sunday, 25 November 2012

Almost immediately after President Barack Obama won re-election, Republican leaders promised they would do everything in their power to prevent Obama from winning a third term as president, but that this time it would work.Republican leaders fear President Obama will repeal the 22nd Amendment to the Constitution, which limits presidents to two terms, and name himself king or dictator for life. Of course, the last amendment to repeal a previous amendment legalized alcohol, so there is precedent for drastic action if politicians do something really stupid, like ban booze or nominate Sarah Palin for president in 2016.

"Sure, I promised after the last election that my main priority was making sure Obama was a 'one-term president,'" said Republican Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. "And no, that didn't exactly work out. But this time, I'm really, really confident we can keep him from being elected for a third term."

Part of that newfound confidence lies in the 22nd Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, which clearly states that U.S. presidents can only serve two terms in office. And since its passage, no president has tried to question the legitimacy of the Constitution they swore to protect under all costs.

However, former vice presidential candidate, part-time governor and reality TV star Sarah Palin quickly jumped into the fray to...

Read more: Republicans Vow to Limit Obama to 'Two-Term President'

Republican Leaders Urging All Its Candidates to Sign 'I Will Never Say the Word 'Rape' Under Any Circumstances' Pledge

Written by Tank Myparty Friday, 26 October 2012

To quell the bleeding from the latest of several negatively received comments about rape and how it may have some sort of "upside" in certain circumstances, GOP leaders are circulating a pledge and demanding that all of its candidates sign the document.Although not an official GOP candidate at this time, Donald Trump signed the "don't ever mention rape" pledge. At this press conference, his monologue steered toward a dangerous topic, at which point he shoved this finger into his mouth and bit down severely, averting further political suicide.

Part of the document reads, "I pledge that under no circumstances will I ever use the word 'rape' in any form, context or situation. I won't even say it amongst close friends, as you never know who has a hidden camera. Any time I even think of the word 'rape' in my head, after signing this document, I will bite one of my fingers so hard that it makes my eyes water and the word disappears from my brain, and all I think about is the harmless, intense pain in my digit."

The pledge was written by Grover Norquist, who is famous for writing the No Tax Pledge which most Republican lawmakers and candidates have signed.

"It's my theory that Republicans simply need a public declaration to keep them from doing something harmful to themselves and our party, marital fidelity excluded, of course, but...

Read more: Republican Leaders Urging All Its Candidates to Sign 'I Will Never Say the Word 'Rape' Under Any Circumstances' Pledge