Sports

New England Patriots and Denny's Partner on Anti-Tight-End Campaign

Written by Ike Bigbutts Sunday, 30 June 2013

Further sharpening their stances against tight ends, the NFL's New England Patriots and the Denny's breakfast franchise recently announced a partnership to co-promote their cause.For different reasons and via different means, the New England Patriots and Denny's breakfast franchises have partnered to create an "End the Tight End" campaign.For different reasons and via different means, the New England Patriots and Denny's breakfast franchises have partnered to create an "End the Tight End" campaign.

For its part, the Patriots have released a star player, Aaron Hernandez, a former tight end and current murder suspect, and are being evasive about the future of its other star tight end, the often-injured and more-often grabbing headlines for partying shirtless with strippers Rob Gronkowski.

"We've had nothing but trouble lately with tight ends," noted Patriots' coach Bill Belichick. "Sure, they were stars for us on the football field in recent years. But off the field, we obviously can't control them. So it's time to part ways with the whole concept of the tight end here in New England."

Belichick added that to make up for the lost receiving production, supermodel Gisele B√ľndchen will finally get her wish: fellow model, husband and Patriots' star quarterback Tom Brady will now be throwing as well as catching his own passes.

"We've designed several plays where Tom drops back, heaves the ball up into the air, runs downfield and then catches the ball," said Belichick. "The trick is...

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Jordan Guarantees He'll Finish with More Rings than LeBron: 'I'll Get Married as Many Times as I Have To'

Written by Phil Crackson Monday, 15 April 2013

Legendary basketball player and failed basketball executive and owner Michael Jordan, upon hearing of LeBron James' recent engagement to long-time girlfriend Savannah Brinson, insinuated that James was merely trying to upstage him after he had announced his own engagement to Cuban model Yvette Prieto.Michael Jordan was photographed showing off his latest "unbeatable" ring collection of six NBA championship rings, two wedding rings and something on a chain he won in a poker game from "some short Baggins dude with big furry feet."Michael Jordan was photographed showing off his latest "unbeatable" ring collection of six NBA championship rings, two wedding rings and something on a chain he won in a poker game from "some short Baggins dude with big furry feet."

"I see what he's up to," noted Jordan between $50,000 hands of blackjack at the Wynn Casino in Las Vegas. "He finally gets an NBA championship, and he's coming after me. He sees that I'm getting married, upping my ring total to eight, and he's trying to get his up to two to stay competitive. But it ain't happening. I'll get married as many times as it takes. He'll never have more rings than me, no matter what he does."

Asked to clarify his ring total, as Jordan currently owns six NBA championship rings and isn't likely to earn another in this lifetime, Jordan noted that wedding rings count, as they're at least as expensive as winning an NBA title or purchasing an entire NBA team.

"It's not the ring that's expensive, of course," admitted Jordan. "But the wife upkeep and divorce settlement...

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NFL Owners Locking Out 'Greedy' Concession Workers who Demanded Reinstatement of Annual Holiday Party

Written by Joe Powerless Thursday, 20 September 2012

Citing the lack of controversy and ease with which they locked out their referees who asked for their retirement pension to remain active, NFL owners moved yesterday to lockout their entire workforce of concession workers who, according to one owner, "were getting greedy, too.""Greedy" concession workers have been locked out of NFL stadiums for daring to want something from the owners."Greedy" concession workers have been locked out of NFL stadiums for daring to want something from the owners.

Among the soda and beer pourers demands was a reinstatement of a group holiday party in December, hosted by each owner and team. Owners are insisting that the once-common practice be dropped to save them five to 10 thousand dollars annually, depending on whether the party was "open bar" or not.

"Holiday parties, like pension plans, are a relic of the past," said NFL owner mouthpiece and league commissioner Roger Greedwell. "Who does that anymore?"

Greedwell admitted that NFL owners are making bajillions of dollars from their teams, but countered that because many sectors of the modern economy are suffering and demanding cutbacks from existing employees, the NFL owners should do the same on principle.

"Our owners need to stand united with the other owners of the world," continued Greedwell. "If other owners are reducing paychecks, cutting healthcare benefits and taking away things like pensions and holiday parties, then we need to...

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Following Basketball Playbook, Kentucky to become Two-Year College

Written by Kat Wilde Tuesday, 10 April 2012

Inspired by the school's successful men's basketball program, which recently won the NCAA National Championship, the University of Kentucky announced that starting next year it will become a solely two-year college and will no longer offer four-year degrees of anything.Building off its successful basketball blueprint, the University of Kentucky announced that it will only offer students a chance to attend the school for a maximum of two years, thus taking the pressure off of any basketball player suffering from the not-likely-to-make-the-NBA label of "senior." One of the most popular new non-NBA Finishing School Degree is "Big Styrofoam Hand Waving," considered a potentially booming industry in the new economy.Building off its successful basketball blueprint, the University of Kentucky announced that it will only offer students a chance to attend the school for a maximum of two years, thus taking the pressure off of any basketball player suffering from the not-likely-to-make-the-NBA label of "senior." One of the most popular new non-NBA Finishing School Degree is "Big Styrofoam Hand Waving," considered a potentially booming industry in the new economy.

"What we learned from our basketball team is that two years is more than enough to prepare someone to make millions of dollars in the 'real world,'" said University Dean Dean University. "Heck, our most successful former students only needed one year at Kentucky to learn the tools of their trade and make a lot of money in the NBA. So any other student should easily be able to get what they need from Kentucky in two years or less."

Ditching what the university considers "antiquated labels," the common references of freshman, sophomore, junior and senior will be replaced by first-year students being called...

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NBA Lockout Continues, Now Entering 115th Day of No One Caring

Written by Wilbur "Shooter" Flatch Saturday, 08 October 2011

large versionThe long and relatively unnoticed saga of the NBA lockout stretched into its 115th day today, signaling the longest professional sports lockout completely ignored by Americans since the almost unremembered NHL lockout of 2004, which wiped out the season and devastated fans from Montreal to Vancouver while barely being noticed in the United States.Die-hard NBA fans should be able to see their heroes, like LeBron James and Dwayne Wade (waiting to get in), in a more intimate setting this year, including at their local YMCA pickup games.Die-hard NBA fans should be able to see their heroes, like LeBron James and Dwayne Wade (waiting to get in), in a more intimate setting this year, including at their local YMCA pickup games.

And with owners united in their stance that "no one would really care if we didn't play this year," it seems like an end to the almost-uncovered-by-the-press stalemate will continue into the foreseeable future, possibly repeating the situation that moved hockey into the recesses of the American sports psyche, right next to professional bowling, poker and rodeo.

"There's an NBA lockout?" questioned William H. Spacey, an accountant with Ernst & Young in Philadelphia, who remembers watching a couple of NBA playoff games last year. "Are you sure you're not talking about the NFL? Because that was terrible, but they ended that, and I've been watching every game on my satellite package. Go...

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