Science/Technology

Lodgepole Pines Crossbred with Kandy Kush Found Resistant to Pine Beetles

Science/Technology

Written by Stoned Goddard Monday, 30 July 2012

U.S. Forest Service biologists, who have been working diligently to produce a genetically modified tree resistant to pine beetles, appear to have made an astonishing discovery that could lead to complete reforestation by 2025.Scientists believe they can repopulate millions of acres of forest land with pine-beetle resistant pine trees created by grafting Kandy Kush buds onto young saplings. As a side benefit, the new strain of trees could have a street value into the trillions of dollars.Scientists believe they can repopulate millions of acres of forest land with pine-beetle resistant pine trees created by grafting Kandy Kush buds onto young saplings. As a side benefit, the new strain of trees could have a street value into the trillions of dollars.

The scientists were able to graft Kandy Kush buds, known for their pest resistance and pleasant high without any paranoia, to young lodgepole pine saplings, creating a new tree that's both resistant to pine beetles and "eminently smokeable."

"This is a huge breakthrough," said Forester Jan Twitchy. "As you've seen from our decimated forests, normal lodgepoles were defenseless against the pine beetle. But this "superstrain" of Kandy Kush lodgepoles appears to leave any beetle that attacks it in a lifeless state of catatonia, unable to do anything of consequence. And we were further delighted when one of our interns tried smoking its needles and got really baked."

So in addition to repopulating dying national forests, the U.S. Forest Service is hoping the Kandy Kush lodgepoles will revive the nation's tree-harvesting economy.

"Just think...

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Scientists Discover God Particle Man, Who then Fights with Triangle Man

Science/Technology

Written by Universe Man Monday, 19 December 2011

Physicists at the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN, yes the acronym makes no sense to Americans--it's a European thing) announced to a standing-room-only crowd of They Might Be Giants fans that they have discovered the band's elusive "God Particle Man" in a series of near-light-speed collisions at the Large Hadron Collider, a 27-kilometer ring-shaped tunnel straddling the French-Swiss border.For the incredibly tiny portion of people interested in both physics and 1990s indie band They Might Be Giants, the discovery of God Particle Man vindicated the billions of dollars spent to build the Large Hadron Collider.For the incredibly tiny portion of people interested in both physics and 1990s indie band They Might Be Giants, the discovery of God Particle Man vindicated the billions of dollars spent to build the Large Hadron Collider.

"We were looking for the Higg's boson, the missing link in the so-called Standard Model of physics first put forth by Albert Einstein," noted Guido Tonedefelli, leader of the experiment. "But what we found was so much better if you're a fan of 1990s goofy indie rock. Having studied at The University at Geneva at that time, and danced my cannolis off to Birdhouse In Your Soul many times, it's absolutely thrilling to have confirmed what the Two John's sang about so happily back then."

The discovery has forced the physicists to contemplate other questions first posed by They Might Be Giants in their...

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Republicans Back New Energy Source: Clean Nitroglycerin

Science/Technology

Written by T. Entee Thursday, 02 June 2011

In response to recent setbacks in the perceived safety of previously supported coal, oil, shale gas and nuclear fuels, Republicans and their various arms and support groups, including Fox News, are pushing for a new fuel to become the face of Republican energy policy: Clean Nitroglycerin.

Hanz Shakin, president of Bring Clean Nitroglycerin Up (BCNU), promises that this new energy source will have all of the power but none of the ridiculously unstable explosive properties of regular nitroglycerin, because it's "Clean."Hanz Shakin, president of Bring Clean Nitroglycerin Up (BCNU), promises that this new energy source will have all of the power but none of the ridiculously unstable explosive properties of regular nitroglycerin, because it's "Clean.""We experienced some truly unlucky, one-in-a-million-year events in the Gulf Oil Spill, the various mining disasters all over the world, the drinking water contaminated by fracking, and the Japanese nuclear reactor leaks," said Speaker of the House John Boehner, a vocal new supporter of Clean Nitroglycerin. "And although my fellow Republicans and I are certain that events like this will never, ever happen again, we needed to find a new source of energy that didn't have the same negative stigma with the public. That energy source is Clean Nitroglycerin."

Boehner admitted that Clean Nitroglycerin was a relatively new energy option, but that it's recently formed lobbying group, Bring Clean Nitroglycerin Up (BCNU), promised those who received its large cash payments that the industry has yet to experience any...

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Fox Report: Japanese Tsunami Created by Enviroterrorist-Trained Whale Splash

Science/Technology

Written by Cy Entzsux Monday, 02 May 2011

An investigative reporter with Fox News, Sarah Palin, concluded that the tsunami which devastated Japan was not triggered by a massive 9.0 magnitude earthquake, as previously suggested by scientists. Instead, the tsunami was created by the simultaneous breaching of 20,000 whales, creating what Palin called a "gimungous Cannonball effect."

According to a report on Fox News, the tsunami off the coast of Japan was caused by the simultaneous breaching of 20,000 whales trained by Whale Wars "tree huggers."According to a report on Fox News, the tsunami off the coast of Japan was caused by the simultaneous breaching of 20,000 whales trained by Whale Wars "tree huggers."

According to the report, the whales had been secretly trained for years by the Whale Wars environmentalist group famous for antagonizing Japanese whaling fleets with their tiny boats and patchouli scent. The reporter also concluded that several other environmental groups and mostly likely U.S. President Barack Obama were in on the plot.

"It makes perfect sense," reported Palin. "In one move, the environmental terrorists cripple what was a perfectly safe nuclear energy industry, making it look all dangerous and stuff, and exact revenge on the job-providing, economy-boosting business of whale extraction.

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Many Men Like Breasts, Study Reveals

Science/Technology

Written by Emerson Bigguns, Pirate Science Reporter Wednesday, 04 April 2007

A recently completed scientific study bared some startling statistics regarding male preferences. Dr. David Coppafeel of the Maidenform University Male Studies Institute (MUMSI), who conducted the hands-on study, said two big things really popped out at him. One was the huge turnout of applicants for the study. The second was the diversity of the results.

Dr. Coppafeel said that the subjects of the study ranged in age from 14 to 94 and represented every known race, religion, ethnicity, social and economic class, country, territory and local sports franchise on earth. The subjects were exposed to stimuli from movies, television, videos, magazines, books, calendars and fast food restaurants.

Thirty-six percent of the men studied responded most positively to stimuli relating to the human female breast. Twenty-four percent responded most positively to stimuli relating to the female legs and buttocks. Thirty-six percent preferred fast cars and French fries. The remaining four percent were classified as "hard to please."  The...

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