It's Official: Bears Must Have a Seat on City Council

The number of bears whose official residences are within Steamboat Springs city limits has grown exponentially in recent years, according to a scientific study of reported bear sightings conducted by someone with a lot of time on his hands and a bag of Cheetos. As a result, the bears are now legally entitled to a seat on City Council, effective immediately. A special election will be held as soon as the bears nominate a slate of candidates.

According to this extremely scientific bar graph, the number of bear sightings are really "piling up."According to this extremely scientific bar graph, the number of bear sightings are really "piling up."

According to a recent survey of 100 bear residents, the bear who broke into a house and sat in the kitchen eating pistachios and wouldn't leave is a leading contender (see "Police Fodder," Monday, July 28, 2014, 10:57 p.m.). One of the bears surveyed, who wished to remain anonymous, said, "I would vote for Pistachio Bear. We need more houses with large bowls of nuts and seeds left on the counters." 

Another frontrunner is Angry Bear, who was recently sighted looking for a friend at a Steamboat Springs hotel (see "Police Fodder," Monday, Aug. 18, 2014, 3:07 a.m.). "I really am a reasonable bear," said Angry Bear, when asked if a run for office was being considered. "If elected, I will propose planting raspberry bushes on the Highway 40 median. And if anyone on Council opposes me, I will eat them."

The bear who garnered the most support in the survey was Poop Bear (see "Police Fodder," Tuesday, Aug. 19, 2014, 10:06 a.m.). Poop Bear attained instant celebrity status when he smeared his own feces on a parked car and wrote in poopive, "Vote for me, and together we'll make the humans dumpster dive for their f@&*!#g dinners!" 

Current Council President Kart Beforehorseski said he would welcome the opportunity of serving alongside a bear. "We must follow the shining example set by the United States Congress, where there are already many snakes and rats serving along with humans."

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