Written by Frank N. Beans Wednesday, 31 July 2013
Due to continuing backlash caused by the online sexual exploits of former House Representative Anthony Weiner and current New York City mayoral candidate, processed-meat giant Oscar Mayer has unceremoniously dropped the word wiener, which is spelled differently but pronounced the same, from its products and slogans.
"Thanks to one sleazy politician, the word wiener has been tarnished to the point that we can't associate with it anymore," said company spokesperson Beau Lonie. "Now all you hear is 'Weiner sucks' or 'that Weiner is disgusting,' and that's not in line with Oscar Mayer products."
To help prevent small children or juvenile men from giggling at every mention of wiener, the hot dog's famous jingle has been changed to incorporate the product's new name:
I wish I were an Oscar Mayer Penis-Shaped Meat
That is what I'd truly like to be
'Cause if I were an Oscar Mayer Penis-Shaped Meat
Everyone would be in love with me.
"We feel that Oscar Mayer Penis-Shaped Meat is more dignified than the now-maligned wiener name," added Louie. "We think it's going to help re-establish our brand as being pro-children and not attached to sexuality."
Oscar Mayer Penis-Shaped Meat will continue to be sold by schools, ballparks, street vendors and grocery stores, and the company is encouraging all of its distributors to use the new marketing immediately to "cleanse the stain of the wiener name."
Beleaguered candidate Weiner was reached for comment and responded with incredulity.
"Are you kidding me?" he stated. "That name and slogan got me made fun of for decades. It damned near ruined my childhood. But did I change my name? No. I didn't even change the pronunciation to Whiner. I stuck with being called Weiner my whole life, and now I'm the one ruining the name? That's just great..."