Written by Nomar Geronimo Monday, 09 May 2011
Previously unknown details released by the Pentagon shed further light on the assassination of Al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden. Contrary to earlier reports indicating a Rambo-style military incursion, it appears that guile, ego-stroking and Ashton Kutcher led to the successful mission.
Apparently, members of the ultra-special-forces Navy SEAL Team 69 disguised themselves as producers and members of a film crew for the popular local television show, MTV Cribs: Pakistan. Carrying several cameras, lights, cables and microphones to look like a TV crew, Team 69 members knocked on the door of bin Laden's mansion and told him he was chosen to be featured on the program.
"Get the fu&k out!" Bin Laden apparently said with a huge smile. "My pad is gonna be on Cribs? Damn! Come in! Come in! This is soooo cool!"
Bin Laden explained to the film crew/assassination team that his name was "Sammi bin Baden," but that all of his friends called him The Slim Sammi. He then beat boxed and dropped some dope rhymes.
"Will the real Slim Sammi please stand up ... please stand up!" rapped the world's most wanted criminal as he pointed at himself and "stood up" at the appropriate times.
During the phony film session, Bin Laden confirmed that he "had been chillin' at this joint for about five years." When asked what he did for a living, he said he was in "sanitation" as he winked to his chuckling male couriers and sycophants.
The TV crew/assassination team briefly filmed Bin Laden's young wife, whom Bin Laden swore was "Megan Fox hot" under the full-length black burka she was wearing. The soon-to-be-dead international terrorist also showed off his kitchen, which impressively featured both Pepsi and Coke, as well as a nearly complete collection of American Girls dolls and outfits, which he said are very hard to get in Pakistan.
"I got the finest crib in Abottabad. I call it Abbottabad-ass," added Bin Laden moments before his death. "Except maybe the mansion of that Khan Afridi guy up on the hillside. Those cricket stars pull some serious wool in this country. And by wool I mean pussy--not the hair from those animals running around all over the damn place--in case you missed my slang, bro."