'I Dare Obama to Try and Take Away My Snowballs!'

Sparked by a rumor heard on the elementary school playgrounds, eight-year-old snowball-rights activist Pepper Neighbors has spent most of her free time between ballet classes and freeze tag amassing a huge arsenal of snowballs in her "Snowmageddon Bunker."Pepper Neighbors, a second-grade student in Colorado and third-cousin-removed to Charlton Heston, had one thing to say to President Obama should he try and take away her snowballs: "You'll have to pry my snowballs from my cold, numb hands."Pepper Neighbors, a second-grade student in Colorado and third-cousin-removed to Charlton Heston, had one thing to say to President Obama should he try and take away her snowballs: "You'll have to pry my snowballs from my cold, numb hands."

"I heard from Tommy that Obama did some president stuff and was now coming to take away my snowballs," noted Neighbors. "And Tommy is in fourth grade, so he knows about these things. But I love my snowballs, and I'll never let Obama take away my secondary manendment right to have a huge pile of them and throw them at stuff."

After witnessing Ms. Neighbors compiling hundreds of snowballs in her five-foot-tall snow fort, a neighbor and snowball-control proponent Marty Pooper reported the activity to her parents.

"Why does anyone need to have that many snowballs?" asked Pooper, after returning from a neighborhood party that he apparently wasn't invited to. "Isn't, say, 10 snowballs enough to keep the stray dogs away or have a snowball fight with your friends? I really think her parents are enabling a dangerous situation here."

After a brief discussion with her parents, Ms. Neighbors trotted back out to the Snowmageddon Bunker and began amassing even more snowballs. She noted from her built-in "gunner's roost" that the extra supply was in case Mr. Pooper happened to walk his dog in the vicinity, and that she needed to be ready in case the "gubermint" came over and demand her snowballs.

"They can come over if they want," added young Neighbors about the government. "But they better build a good snow fort, or else it will be raining snowballs on their heads."

She added that it would be very difficult for Obama and government agencies to take her snowballs away, should they try.

"You'll have to pry my snowballs from my cold, numb hands," said Neighbors. "Cuz snow is cold and my gloves are pretty wet, so my hands are freezing right now."

When made aware of the playground rumors and the stockpiling of snowballs taking place in Ms. Neighbors front yard, President Obama delivered an impromptu speech in the Rose Garden.

"I would like to assure Ms. Neighbors and all the other kids out there in snowy climates that the government is not trying to take away your snowballs," noted Obama. "This country was founded on kids having snowball fights, with unlimited access to all the snowy ammunition they would like. My administration will continue that tradition of unfettered access to spheroid lumps of frozen water."


blog comments powered by Disqus

[0.0000s] DEBUG info j4age: Visit time in Joomla Local timezone: 2018-05-21 20:37:29        

Performed SQL enquiries

SELECT * FROM eeu_session WHERE session_id = '7q3op73rul49i05119mcca3fs0'

DELETE FROM eeu_session WHERE ( time < '1526929049' )

SELECT * FROM eeu_session WHERE session_id = '7q3op73rul49i05119mcca3fs0'

INSERT INTO `eeu_session` ( `session_id`,`time`,`username`,`gid`,`guest`,`client_id` ) VALUES ( '7q3op73rul49i05119mcca3fs0','1526935049','','0','1','0' )

SELECT * FROM eeu_components WHERE parent = 0

SELECT folder AS type, element AS name, params FROM eeu_plugins WHERE published >= 1 AND access <= 0 ORDER BY ordering

SELECT * FROM eeu_migration_backlinks WHERE url LIKE 'articles/politics/236-i-dare-obama-to-try-and-take-away-my-snowballs.html%' OR sefurl LIKE 'articles/politics/236-i-dare-obama-to-try-and-take-away-my-snowballs.html%'

SELECT m.*, c.`option` as component FROM eeu_menu AS m LEFT JOIN eeu_components AS c ON m.componentid = c.id WHERE m.published = 1 ORDER BY m.sublevel, m.parent, m.ordering

SELECT template FROM eeu_templates_menu WHERE client_id = 0 AND (menuid = 0 OR menuid = 54) ORDER BY menuid DESC LIMIT 0, 1

SELECT a.*, u.name AS author, u.usertype, cc.title AS category, s.title AS section, CASE WHEN CHAR_LENGTH(a.alias) THEN CONCAT_WS(":", a.id, a.alias) ELSE a.id END as slug, CASE WHEN CHAR_LENGTH(cc.alias) THEN CONCAT_WS(":", cc.id, cc.alias) ELSE cc.id END as catslug, g.name AS groups, s.published AS sec_pub, cc.published AS cat_pub, s.access AS sec_access, cc.access AS cat_access FROM eeu_content AS a LEFT JOIN eeu_categories AS cc ON cc.id = a.catid LEFT JOIN eeu_sections AS s ON s.id = cc.section AND s.scope = "content" LEFT JOIN eeu_users AS u ON u.id = a.created_by LEFT JOIN eeu_groups AS g ON a.access = g.id WHERE a.id = 236 AND ( ( a.created_by = 0 ) OR ( a.state = 1 AND ( a.publish_up = '0000-00-00 00:00:00' OR a.publish_up <= '2018-05-21 20:37:29' ) AND ( a.publish_down = '0000-00-00 00:00:00' OR a.publish_down >= '2018-05-21 20:37:29' ) ) OR ( a.state = -1 ) )

UPDATE eeu_content SET hits = ( hits + 1 ) WHERE id='236'

SELECT id, title, module, position, content, showtitle, control, params FROM eeu_modules AS m LEFT JOIN eeu_modules_menu AS mm ON mm.moduleid = m.id WHERE m.published = 1 AND m.access <= 0 AND m.client_id = 0 AND ( mm.menuid = 54 OR mm.menuid = 0 ) ORDER BY position, ordering

SELECT * FROM eeu_banner WHERE showBanner = 1 AND (imptotal = 0 OR impmade < imptotal) AND cid = 2 AND catid = 58 ORDER BY sticky DESC, ordering LIMIT 0, 1

UPDATE eeu_banner SET impmade = impmade + 1 WHERE bid = 20

SELECT a.*, CASE WHEN CHAR_LENGTH(a.alias) THEN CONCAT_WS(":", a.id, a.alias) ELSE a.id END as slug, CASE WHEN CHAR_LENGTH(cc.alias) THEN CONCAT_WS(":", cc.id, cc.alias) ELSE cc.id END as catslug FROM eeu_content AS a LEFT JOIN eeu_content_frontpage AS f ON f.content_id = a.id INNER JOIN eeu_categories AS cc ON cc.id = a.catid INNER JOIN eeu_sections AS s ON s.id = a.sectionid WHERE ( a.state = 1 AND s.id > 0 ) AND ( a.publish_up = '0000-00-00 00:00:00' OR a.publish_up <= '2018-05-21 20:37:29' ) AND ( a.publish_down = '0000-00-00 00:00:00' OR a.publish_down >= '2018-05-21 20:37:29' ) AND a.access <= 0 AND cc.access <= 0 AND s.access <= 0 AND s.published = 1 AND cc.published = 1 ORDER BY a.hits DESC LIMIT 0, 8

SELECT width,height FROM eeu_flashrotators WHERE id = '15'

SELECT width,height FROM eeu_flashrotators WHERE id = '15'

SELECT width,height FROM eeu_flashrotators WHERE id = '10'

SELECT width,height FROM eeu_flashrotators WHERE id = '10'

SELECT * FROM `eeu_jnews_xonfig`

SELECT * FROM `eeu_jnews_lists` WHERE `published` = 1


[0.0006s] DEBUG info j4age: JS Perform Visitor counting process (function: countVisitor()): 0.000 seconds, 18.58 MB        

Performed SQL enquiries

SELECT * FROM eeu_jstats_configuration


[0.0001s] DEBUG info j4age: JS loadKnownRecords start: 0.000 seconds, 18.58 MB        

Performed SQL enquiries


[0.0000s] DEBUG info j4age: Trace Code from cookie:         

Performed SQL enquiries


[0.0000s] DEBUG info j4age: Client-ID from cookie:         

Performed SQL enquiries


[1.0187s] DEBUG info j4age: JS loadKnownRecords end: 1.019 seconds, 18.58 MB        

Performed SQL enquiries

SELECT * FROM eeu_jstats_ipaddresses AS a WHERE a.ip = '918976282'

SELECT c.* FROM eeu_jstats_clients AS c LEFT OUTER JOIN eeu_jstats_visits AS v ON c.client_id = v.client_id WHERE v.ip = '918976282' AND (c.visitor_id = 0 OR c.visitor_id IS NULL);


[0.0001s] DEBUG info j4age: JS client & ip handling start: 1.019 seconds, 18.58 MB        

Performed SQL enquiries


[0.0000s] DEBUG info j4age: IP already stored 918976282        

Performed SQL enquiries


[0.0000s] DEBUG info j4age: Fire Event => beforecounting        

Performed SQL enquiries


[0.0003s] DEBUG info j4age: 1 Plugins found in DB        

Performed SQL enquiries

select * from `eeu_jstats_configuration` where description like 'ext_%' and value = '1'


[0.0020s] DEBUG info j4age: Register plugin ext_ip2nation for event onpostinstallation        

Performed SQL enquiries


[0.0000s] DEBUG info j4age: Register plugin ext_ip2nation for event resolvelocation        

Performed SQL enquiries


[0.0000s] DEBUG info j4age: 0Cookies availble        

Performed SQL enquiries


[0.0000s] DEBUG info j4age: Found client 114636 Visitor-ID =        

Performed SQL enquiries


[0.0000s] DEBUG info j4age: Client already known        

Performed SQL enquiries


[0.0000s] DEBUG info j4age: JS client & ip handling end: 1.021 seconds, 18.78 MB        

Performed SQL enquiries


[0.0000s] DEBUG info j4age: Perform Visit counting process        

Performed SQL enquiries


[0.0006s] DEBUG info j4age: Visit-Session still present. Continue this Visit 247549        

Performed SQL enquiries

SELECT v.visit_id FROM eeu_jstats_visits as v WHERE v.client_id = 114636 AND v.ip = 918976282 AND v.changed_at >= 1526906249


[0.0004s] DEBUG info j4age: Visit 247549 registered        

Performed SQL enquiries

UPDATE eeu_jstats_visits SET changed_at= 1526935049 WHERE visit_id = '247549'


[0.0000s] DEBUG info j4age: Perform Page counting process        

Performed SQL enquiries


[0.0023s] DEBUG info j4age: Page counting process successful        

Performed SQL enquiries

SELECT page_id, page_title FROM eeu_jstats_pages WHERE page = '/articles/politics/236-i-dare-obama-to-try-and-take-away-my-snowballs.html' LIMIT 1

INSERT INTO `eeu_jstats_impressions` (`page_id`, `visit_id`, `timestamp`) VALUES (1940,247549,1526935049)


[0.0001s] DEBUG info j4age: Page impression 1 registered        

Performed SQL enquiries


[0.0000s] DEBUG info j4age: Referrer not set.        

Performed SQL enquiries


[0.0000s] DEBUG info j4age: Keyword & Referrer registered = False        

Performed SQL enquiries


[0.0000s] DEBUG info j4age: Fire Event => aftercounting        

Performed SQL enquiries


[0.0001s] DEBUG info j4age: JS Counting Visitor finished: 1.025 seconds, 18.79 MB        

Performed SQL enquiries

Enter Amount:

Click the image below and get tickets for The End of the Boat as We Know It

Subscribe to The Pirate

You can have new content from The Pirate e-mailed to you as a newsletter as soon as it's available. No need to waste time browsing the Internet!

The Pirate will find you!

If you only want the "main" Pirate, select Global Pirate below.



Receive HTML?

Comment Highlights

Powered by Disqus
Mobile Version | Standard Version
•Banner•
© 2011 Ski Town Productions

•Profile Information•

Application afterLoad: 0.000 seconds, 0.90 MB
Application afterInitialise: 0.057 seconds, 6.91 MB
Application afterRoute: 0.072 seconds, 8.64 MB
Application afterDispatch: 0.126 seconds, 12.67 MB
Application afterRender: 1.274 seconds, 19.39 MB

•Memory Usage•

20451552

•38 queries logged•

  1. SELECT *
      FROM eeu_session
      WHERE session_id = '7q3op73rul49i05119mcca3fs0'
  2. DELETE
      FROM eeu_session
      WHERE ( TIME < '1526929049' )
  3. SELECT *
      FROM eeu_session
      WHERE session_id = '7q3op73rul49i05119mcca3fs0'
  4. INSERT INTO `eeu_session` ( `session_id`,`time`,`username`,`gid`,`guest`,`client_id` )
      VALUES ( '7q3op73rul49i05119mcca3fs0','1526935049','','0','1','0' )
  5. SELECT *
      FROM eeu_components
      WHERE parent = 0
  6. SELECT folder AS TYPE, element AS name, params
      FROM eeu_plugins
      WHERE published >= 1
      AND access <= 0
      ORDER BY ordering
  7. SELECT *
      FROM eeu_migration_backlinks
      WHERE url LIKE 'articles/politics/236-i-dare-obama-to-try-and-take-away-my-snowballs.html%' OR sefurl LIKE 'articles/politics/236-i-dare-obama-to-try-and-take-away-my-snowballs.html%'
  8. SELECT m.*, c.`option` AS component
      FROM eeu_menu AS m
      LEFT JOIN eeu_components AS c
      ON m.componentid = c.id
      WHERE m.published = 1
      ORDER BY m.sublevel, m.parent, m.ordering
  9. SELECT template
      FROM eeu_templates_menu
      WHERE client_id = 0
      AND (menuid = 0 OR menuid = 54)
      ORDER BY menuid DESC
      LIMIT 0, 1
  10. SELECT a.*, u.name AS author, u.usertype, cc.title AS category, s.title AS SECTION, CASE WHEN CHAR_LENGTH(a.alias) THEN CONCAT_WS(":", a.id, a.alias) ELSE a.id END AS slug, CASE WHEN CHAR_LENGTH(cc.alias) THEN CONCAT_WS(":", cc.id, cc.alias) ELSE cc.id END AS catslug, g.name AS groups, s.published AS sec_pub, cc.published AS cat_pub, s.access AS sec_access, cc.access AS cat_access  
      FROM eeu_content AS a
      LEFT JOIN eeu_categories AS cc
      ON cc.id = a.catid
      LEFT JOIN eeu_sections AS s
      ON s.id = cc.SECTION
      AND s.scope = "content"
      LEFT JOIN eeu_users AS u
      ON u.id = a.created_by
      LEFT JOIN eeu_groups AS g
      ON a.access = g.id
      WHERE a.id = 236
      AND (  ( a.created_by = 0 )    OR  ( a.state = 1
      AND ( a.publish_up = '0000-00-00 00:00:00' OR a.publish_up <= '2018-05-21 20:37:29' )
      AND ( a.publish_down = '0000-00-00 00:00:00' OR a.publish_down >= '2018-05-21 20:37:29' )   )    OR  ( a.state = -1 )  )
  11. UPDATE eeu_content
      SET hits = ( hits + 1 )
      WHERE id='236'
  12. SELECT id, title, module, POSITION, content, showtitle, control, params
      FROM eeu_modules AS m
      LEFT JOIN eeu_modules_menu AS mm
      ON mm.moduleid = m.id
      WHERE m.published = 1
      AND m.access <= 0
      AND m.client_id = 0
      AND ( mm.menuid = 54 OR mm.menuid = 0 )
      ORDER BY POSITION, ordering
  13. SELECT *
      FROM eeu_banner
      WHERE showBanner = 1
      AND (imptotal = 0 OR impmade < imptotal)
      AND cid = 2
      AND catid = 58
      ORDER BY sticky DESC, ordering
      LIMIT 0, 1
  14. UPDATE eeu_banner
      SET impmade = impmade + 1
      WHERE bid = 20
  15. SELECT a.*, CASE WHEN CHAR_LENGTH(a.alias) THEN CONCAT_WS(":", a.id, a.alias) ELSE a.id END AS slug, CASE WHEN CHAR_LENGTH(cc.alias) THEN CONCAT_WS(":", cc.id, cc.alias) ELSE cc.id END AS catslug
      FROM eeu_content AS a
      LEFT JOIN eeu_content_frontpage AS f
      ON f.content_id = a.id
      INNER JOIN eeu_categories AS cc
      ON cc.id = a.catid
      INNER JOIN eeu_sections AS s
      ON s.id = a.sectionid
      WHERE ( a.state = 1
      AND s.id > 0 )
      AND ( a.publish_up = '0000-00-00 00:00:00' OR a.publish_up <= '2018-05-21 20:37:29' )
      AND ( a.publish_down = '0000-00-00 00:00:00' OR a.publish_down >= '2018-05-21 20:37:29' )
      AND a.access <= 0
      AND cc.access <= 0
      AND s.access <= 0
      AND s.published = 1
      AND cc.published = 1
      ORDER BY a.hits DESC
      LIMIT 0, 8
  16. SELECT width,height
      FROM eeu_flashrotators
      WHERE id = '15'
  17. SELECT width,height
      FROM eeu_flashrotators
      WHERE id = '15'
  18. SELECT width,height
      FROM eeu_flashrotators
      WHERE id = '10'
  19. SELECT width,height
      FROM eeu_flashrotators
      WHERE id = '10'
  20. SELECT *
      FROM `eeu_jnews_xonfig`
  21. SELECT *
      FROM `eeu_jnews_lists`
      WHERE `published` = 1
  22. SELECT *
      FROM eeu_jstats_configuration
  23. SELECT *
      FROM eeu_jstats_ipaddresses AS a
      WHERE a.ip = '918976282'
  24. SELECT c.*
      FROM eeu_jstats_clients AS c
      LEFT
      OUTER JOIN eeu_jstats_visits AS v
      ON c.client_id = v.client_id
      WHERE v.ip = '918976282'
      AND (c.visitor_id = 0 OR c.visitor_id IS NULL);
  25. SELECT *
      FROM `eeu_jstats_configuration`
      WHERE description LIKE 'ext_%'  
      AND VALUE = '1'
  26. SELECT v.visit_id
                 
      FROM eeu_jstats_visits AS v
                 
      WHERE v.client_id = 114636
      AND v.ip = 918976282
      AND v.changed_at >= 1526906249
  27. UPDATE eeu_jstats_visits
      SET changed_at= 1526935049
      WHERE visit_id = '247549'
  28. SELECT   page_id,   page_title
      FROM   eeu_jstats_pages
      WHERE   page = '/articles/politics/236-i-dare-obama-to-try-and-take-away-my-snowballs.html'
      LIMIT 1
  29. INSERT INTO `eeu_jstats_impressions` (`page_id`, `visit_id`, `timestamp`)
      VALUES (1940,247549,1526935049)
  30. SELECT width,height
      FROM eeu_flashrotators
      WHERE id = '13'
  31. SELECT width,height
      FROM eeu_flashrotators
      WHERE id = '13'
  32. SELECT width,height
      FROM eeu_flashrotators
      WHERE id = '11'
  33. SELECT width,height
      FROM eeu_flashrotators
      WHERE id = '11'
  34. SELECT width,height
      FROM eeu_flashrotators
      WHERE id = '9'
  35. SELECT width,height
      FROM eeu_flashrotators
      WHERE id = '9'
  36. SELECT width,height
      FROM eeu_flashrotators
      WHERE id = '3'
  37. SELECT width,height
      FROM eeu_flashrotators
      WHERE id = '3'
  38. SELECT *
      FROM eeu_banner
      WHERE showBanner = 1
      AND (imptotal = 0 OR impmade < imptotal)
      AND cid = 2
      AND catid = 44
      ORDER BY sticky DESC, ordering
      LIMIT 0, 1

•0 legacy queries logged•

    •Language Files Loaded•

    •Untranslated Strings Diagnostic•

    GLOBAL PIRATE	JHTML::tooltip()	[:]
    STEAMBOAT SPRINGS LOCAL PIRATE	JHTML::tooltip()	[:]
    VIEW THE DISCUSSION THREAD.	plgContentJw_disqus::onPrepareContent()	[:]
    

    •Untranslated Strings Designer•

    
    # ??Unknown file??
    
    GLOBAL PIRATE=Global Pirate
    STEAMBOAT SPRINGS LOCAL PIRATE=Steamboat Springs Local Pirate
    VIEW THE DISCUSSION THREAD.=View the discussion thread.