Romney Withdraws from Presidential Race, Citing Fatal Flaw

Written by X. Treem Ideology Tuesday, 25 October 2011

"I'm not batshit crazy, and I just can't overcome that shortcoming."

In a stunning development, one of the frontrunners to win the Republican Presidential nomination, Mitt "Mittens" Romney, withdrew from the race, admitting that he had too many permanent flaws to win the nomination from hardcore, Tea-Party-crazed Republican primary voters.Today, Mitt Romney waved goodbye as he announced he was no longer seeking the Republican nomination for President, citing his damning and scandalous inability to speak "crazy talk."

"Unfortunately, I'm not a complete moron," said Romney, noting his stubborn adherence to live in a reality-based world. "I can't just say whatever crazy-ass thought pops into my head, and that's currently what it takes to win the Republican nomination. I've tried practicing such techniques in the mirror, saying things like 'Obama is a Kenyan Manchurian Candidate bent on destroying the United States,' but when it comes time to say them during a debate or campaign speech, I just can't get the words out. It's like I have some type of brain disorder that won't allow me to spout wild, dangerous lies. I'm just not cut out for this."

Romney pointed to a particular moment during the last Republican debate when he knew he could no longer compete with his rivals, who are particularly adept at having no moral compass or compunction.

"We were talking about the outstanding service record of a gay man in the military, and whether or not he should be allowed to continue to serve, and someone from the audience shouted, 'kill that homo!'" noted Romney. "And I cringed. Right on camera, in front of everyone. I knew I should've been laughing, like all the rest of my rivals onstage, but I couldn't. Something terrible deep inside me told me that was wrong, and I couldn't control it. I cringed, god save me! And that's when I knew it was over ..."

Romney added that he would spend the next few years in a Republican "Retraining Center," where he would be subjected to daily conditioning to strip him of a conscience and allow him to create stories and facts out of thin air. He also was going to attend as many Climate Change Denying conferences as possible and watch as much televangelism programming as possible, all to prepare him for another run in 2016.

"The upside is that I'm still young," added Romney, noting that his hair is expected to still look "Presidential" in another four years. "I don't have any creeping bald spots, and a little more gray around the ears should make me seem even more distinguished. So, hopefully, you can teach this old dog new tricks, and I can learn to free my mind from the destructiveness of requiring facts. It's going to be a difficult journey, but it's one that I'm looking forward to taking. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a meeting with my new mentor, Dick Cheney. My untethering from reality begins today."

Several of Romney's former challengers welcomed the announcement, agreeing that Romney currently isn't cut out to win the Republican nomination.

"I'm happy for him that he's finally seeking help," stated Michele Bachman, a renowned expert in the art of Making Crap Up. "But my first advice for him would be to drop his Mormon religion and adopt Christianity. It's a known fact that Mormons are tightly aligned with Muslim radicals, going all the way back to the Crusades in 1312, where they helped them fight against the Jesus-loving Europeans who were trying to rescue the Holy Grail from Nazi forces. Then he might want to think about removing the chip implanted into his brain by Boston liberals, which forced him to pass Obamacare when he was governor of Massachusetts. But the show must go on, and I'm looking forward to continuing debates with my remaining rivals, like Rick Perry, the known alien from the planet Electrocon."