Cain Mistress Confesses to Being Rove Plant

Written by Pete Sasauce Monday, 19 December 2011

Under severe prosecution and duress, former presidential candidate Herman Cain's mistress, Ginger Snap, admitted that she was "implanted" as Cain's concubine more than a decade ago by none other than Karl Rove and his shadow organization of Republican secret agents. Ms. Snap gave up these details after being hooked up to a lie-detector machine on the Howard Stern Show, which is well known for forcing quasi-celebrities into admitting somewhat truthful trivia about themselves.A lie-detector-based interview on The Howard Stern show revealed that former Republican frontrunner Herman Cain's mistress was planted in that role by Karl Rove and his secretive Free Jagoff's Society.

Snap was asked by Stern how she met Herman Cain, and after her original answer of "while pretending to choke down some Godfather's Pizza" elicited a "false" reading on the lie detector, she admitted that she has been a loyal member of Rove's "Free Jagoff's Society" and was ordered to be Cain's mistress for as long as was necessary.

"Karl and his lieutenants maintain a huge list of potential Republican political candidates," said Snap. "Herman, as one of the few black Republicans in the country, popped up on the Society's radar a long time ago. So Karl sent me in to 'put some dirt on him.' Sure, Karl knew about all the sexual harassment Herman had been up to for a really long time, but after Clinton and what Gingrich seems to be able to get away with, Karl wanted more insurance. I did what I had to do."

A second anonymous source familiar with the Free Jagoff's Society confirmed the general tactics, but couldn't mention specific politicians or potential mistresses.

"There are hundreds of Rove plants out there, sleeping with married politicians in the name of what's best for the Republican Party and Karl Rove's plan for world domination," noted the source, who would only call himself Deep Dork. "And it's up to Karl to decide when they're 'activated,' meaning when they come forth with their affairs--if at all.

"Karl lets some of them get all the way to the House or Senate, maybe even the Presidency, never letting the mistress come forth. Then he can control the politician in office," added Deep Dork. "I don't know for sure, but my guess is that Karl realized Cain could never be controlled, as he's so pathologically narcissistic that he'd never bow to Rove, that Karl activated Ms. Snap before things got too far."

Deep Dork added that, as far as he was aware, George W. Bush did not have a mistress plant, as it was deemed unnecessary.
"Karl knew that with George's mind, all he'd have to do was talk to him, or have Cheney scare him, and Bush would do whatever he wanted. No need to blackmail at all," added Deep Dork.

Additional bits of information about Herman Cain were revealed later in the Stern radio interrogation. Like always, Stern asked if Cain has a big ding dong, to which Snap replied "yes." The flattering truth ended there, however, as the next question asked if Cain was good in bed.

"In case you haven't noticed," said Snap. "Herman Cain is all about Herman Cain. Let's just say that when his needs were met, that was it. It was over, no matter how quickly it went. He doesn't care a flying flip about anyone else, even me. I can't say it was the worst assignment I could've had. He's decent looking and bought me lots of nice things. But I'm glad it's over."

Democrat leaders weren't surprised by the revelations. In fact, most applauded Rove's tactics.

"Karl Rove beat us again," noted former Chairman of the Democratic National Convention Howard Dean. "It was looking like we had the 2012 election sewn up. I mean, Herman Cain was the leading Republican candidate for a while, even after truckloads of sexual harassment allegations and a non-stop amount of crazy talk. Sure, Cain was going to lock up the 1 percent of voters fitting in the black Republican category, but Barack was going to take him to the cleaners ... so to speak.

"Rove knows what he's doing," added Dean. "He somehow won with W. twice, and he averted near disaster with this plant of his. I have to admit, he's good ..."