Written by A.J. Fourtyseven Wednesday, 23 January 2013
The National Rifleman's Association (NRA) has countered President Barack Obama's gun-safety measures with a proposal of its own: "Emergency Assault Rifles" (EARs) in breakable-glass cases placed in the hallways of every school, university, post office, stadium, building, restaurant, bar and house--any place that such an EAR can fit.
"We've listened to the gun manufacturers, and based on their input, we believe this is the best solution to the terrible problem of not enough armed civilians using guns to take care of disturbances on their own," said Wayne LeWhatever, NRA executive vice president. "We realized that paying for several armed guards in every building across America would be overly expensive, so the portable EAR solved all of those cost issues. Schools and offices only need to pay for several of the breakable-glass-cased EARs upfront, and there no longer are any costs involved after that--except for possibly an annual training class so all of the employees and students can learn how to operate an assault rifle to take down an assailant."
NRA believes that having easy and simple access to a large-magazine-capacity assault rifle is just the remedy for the latest "unfortunate circumstances created by the lack of returnable firepower." Under the plan, a loaded EAR will be placed in a red box with big letters that clearly state: "In Case of Emergency, Break Glass and Use with Care."
"Because the EAR will be safely secured behind a pane of thin, breakable glass, we don't believe it would pose any danger to students or pedestrians walking by," added LeWhatever. "They'd have to hit the glass sort-of hard to break it and then intentionally take the gun out of the case to use it, and we don't see that happening. Besides, those big, sharp axes have been behind breakable glass for years, and I've never heard of one being used to massacre a bunch of people before, so the whole concept is very safe."
When asked why such EARs wouldn't make it easier for a mentally unhinged person to just walk into the building, crack open the glass and take the assault rifle, LeWhatever pointed out that every breaking of EAR glass would signal and loud and unique EAR alarm.
"Everyone would know an EAR was removed," noted LeWhatever. "And since there would be several other EARs in other hallways, responsible citizens, teachers and children would proceed to their closest EAR, break the glass and remove it, and prepare to return fire upon any would-be evil doer. They just need to remember the motto: Grab an EAR, and let 'er rip."
The NRA representative further noted that there wouldn't be any safety mechanisms on any EARs, as those might make it difficult for small children or infirm elderly to operate the powerful assault rifles, defeating the purpose of having them.
"I guarantee that those insane, video-game watchers would think twice before attacking Second-Amendment-loving citizens if they knew those people had easy access to a nearby EAR," added LeWhatever. "By putting a loaded assault rifle in every hallway of every building in the United States, we will truly have a much safer and freer nation. God bless America!"
When NRA's latest proposal reached President Obama, he replied with a terse statement: "That's the craziest f*cking thing I've ever heard."