Steamboat Springs

Sheriff Stonedwall Jackson Sentenced to Scoop

Written by Frank Sanbeans Sunday, 04 April 2010

Routt County Sheriff Stonedwall Jackson appeared in District Court yesterday to stand before Judge Kay Whye for sentencing on his conviction for rampant tomfoolery, driving while over the pomposity limit and having a firearm in the car while loaded.  Sheriff Jackson was acquitted on the lesser charge of choosing the wrong wine.  Following her usual custom, Judge Whye asked the sheriff to bend over while the sentence was read.  Sheriff Jackson will have to serve two to four years as a lunch lady at Strawberry Soda Elementary School.  Judge Whye read the sentence and added, "I can't wait to see you in a hair net."  Jackson will have to prep, cook and serve food, and perform cleaning duties.  Students will be encouraged to mock him mercilessly.
 
Sheriff Jackson answered questions on his way out of the courthouse.  "I knew Judge Kay Whye was tough and I was going to get reamed.  I should consider myself lucky I didn't get sent to the high school.  I can't cook gourmet food, and they might have made me participate in that Dance Showcase thing."  Jackson's lawyer, Fritz Hammered, says that they will file an appeal "but don't hold your breath.  Everybody knows the Sheriff's a party animal and one taco short of a combination plate."  The sheriff is running for reelection on the Let's Party Party.

Sleeping Giant to Participate in Sleep Study

Written by Zzzzelda Nightlight Sunday, 04 April 2010

Local iconic natural landmark Sleeping Giant was chosen to participate in a sleep study after it was discovered that seismic readings indicating minor earthquake activity were actually caused by an extremely rare reverse sleep apnea, which results in chronic snoring followed by brief periods of wakefulness.  "I just can't seem to get a good century's sleep anymore," complained Mr. Giant.  Dr. Denton Carters, of the Iconic Natural Landmark Sleep Disorder Institute, says that during snoring episodes, Mr. Giant has inhaled several small airplanes.  Dr. Carters theorizes that the condition was triggered by overexposure to media coverage of the Steamboat 700 Annexation issue.  In response to the unwanted periods of wakefulness, Mr. Giant says he drinks warm milk and watches C-Span, which usually succeeds in putting him back to sleep.  If these tactics fail, he has been known to drop in on City Council or Education Fund Board meetings.

Local icon Sleeping Giant undergoes studies for reverse sleep apnea, which results in chronic snoring followed by brief periods of wakefulness.

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