Steamboat Springs

Boozin Wins Inaugural SUV River Rodeo

Written by Floyd Waters Thursday, 18 August 2011

Spurred by near-record water levels in the Yampa River and unwavering faith in the ridiculousness of mankind, the Steamboat River Carnival added a new event in 2011: the SUV River Rodeo. And because the river's popular "C" Hole was inexplicably damaged during a routine repair, to the point where it became unusable as a kayaking feature, the event was moved upstream to the often volatile "A" Hole.Steamboat Springs' Shirley Boozin completed an arresting routine to win the first SUV River Rodeo in the Yampa River's turbulent "A" Hole.

Held after the Lazy River Dog competition in which Steamboat mutts ignore tennis balls and sticks thrown unnecessarily into the river, but before the more-traditional kayak freestyle event where humans throw themselves unnecessarily into the river, the SUV River Rodeo pitted some of Steamboat's most committed semi-luxury, semi-offroad drivers in a battle to see who can perform the most flips, spins and other moving violations in the middle of a rapid and freezingly cold river.

The inaugural event was won by Shirley Boozin, a 42-year-old sheepherder from Steamboat Springs, Colo. Boozin locked up first place when she maneuvered her Hyundai Santa Fe into a perfect 720-degree inverted spin before blasting out of the raging "A" Hole, a move she calls "The Metamucil."

Unfortunately, the win was...

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Steamboat Changes Trademark to '(Fill in the Blank) Town, U.S.A.'

Written by Les Dignity Thursday, 28 July 2011

After being known as Ski Town, U.S.A., for decades, Steamboat Springs City Council voted to change its official motto to "(Fill in the Blank) Town, U.S.A." Like the previous nickname, (Fill in the Blank) Town, U.S.A., has been officially trademarked, and now any version of _____ Town, U.S.A., can be licensed by anyone for a small fee.For a small fee, anyone can now temporarily name Steamboat Springs' slogan. Locals are especially excited about this weekend's motto, Mosquito Town, U.S.A., sponsored by GETOFF bug spray.

Council members noted that in recent years, several movements have labeled Steamboat as, among others, Bike Town, U.S.A., Paddle Town, U.S.A., and even Reality Town, U.S.A. Sensing an opportunity, council members voted to make Steamboat's slogan a profit-making venture.

"We realized that it's not the great mountains or snow or skiing culture that made Steamboat Springs into Ski Town, U.S.A. It's just actually having the words in your slogan," said Council President Scari Helmetheadski. "We could just as easily be Pie Town, U.S.A., or Poetry Town, U.S.A. All you need is the official title, trademarked, and that's what you are."

According to the new ordinance, anyone can fill out a permit application and name Steamboat Springs for $750 a day, with a maximum naming block of two weeks, which Winter Carnival has...

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Mega Lighted Man Terrorizes Fourth of July Parade

Written by Pat Turnedlites Thursday, 07 July 2011

Distraught and jealous that Steamboat Springs would try to have a parade and fireworks celebration without him, the iconic Lighted Man used his battery-infused superpowers to become Mega Lighted Man and destroy this year's 4th of July parade.

Mega Lighted Man left a path of smoke and destruction in his wake, similar to his normal winter festival routine, but on a much larger and warmer scale."So you think you can have a fireworks celebration without me?" bellowed the 90-foot-tall Mega Lighted Man before he launched Stinger missiles from his head and into several of the "slightly different than normal cars" that make up a majority of the annual Fourth of July parade. "Winter Carnival is way more awesome, you fools!" he added as he slowly traversed from left to right along Lincoln Avenue.

Children from a variety of afterschool activities and summer camps were sent scattering as Mega Lighted Man laughed maniacally and lashed his flashing-light ski poles into several unsold and vacant condominiums at Holwingsen Place, injuring no one.

However, several fatalities were a result of the unexpected onslaught from the giant-sized version of the Winter Carnival icon. The town's entire rugby team was lost, as the lads valiantly attempted to tackle and throw giant eggs at the much-larger and less-drunk wreaker of Roman-Candle...

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Steamboat Springs

Boozin Wins Inaugural SUV River Rodeo

Steamboat Changes Trademark to '(Fill in the Blank) Town, U.S.A.'

Mega Lighted Man Terrorizes Fourth of July Parade

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