Steamboat Springs
Dog Squad Shoots Man in Night-Time Helicopter Raid
Written by Snarls Barkley Tuesday, 10 May 2011
In a daring night-time operation, the elite-forces RIVERDOG Team 6 flew a BlackLab helicopter into the rural Native American Trails compound of an unidentified Steamboat Springs man and shot him ... in the buttocks.
It is believed the raid was in retaliation for terrorist acts perpetrated by the as-yet-unidentified male. It was originally speculated that the target was Osama Bin Laden, but he apparently was found and killed thousands of miles away in Pakistan, so it can't be him.
The RIVERDOG Team 6 helicopter raid was led by this mysterious animal, known only by his codename: The German. Witnesses Twittered that The German took the buttocks-piercing shot.
Although no organization has taken official credit, the President of the Kennel of Justice, a rare Hawaiian Poi dog, is believed to have signed off on the operation. It has been rumored that he initiated the last RIVERDOG Team 6 mission to liberate Tinkerbell, the Chihuahua savagely taken hostage by Paris Hilton.
Upon hearing the news, dogs of all breeds and sizes gathered in Rita Valentine Park to celebrate. The pack of animals unsuccessfully attempted to climb streetlights and joyously barked spontaneous versions of "God Bless America" and "Who Let the Dogs Out?"
The rally ended after only an hour, however, when Animal Control police arrested the entire gathering for violating leash laws and not picking up their own poop. At this time, all of the dogs have reportedly been released to their owners, who promised not to let their dogs celebrate a human shooting ever again.
Add a commentCity Council Approves WalSheens; Pharmacy/Porn Emporium to Open on Lincoln
Written by D.U.H. Winning Monday, 02 May 2011
Despite unanimous opposition from the Steamboat Springs Planning Commission, city planning staff and 98 percent of Steamboat residents sampled on the street, city council approved the proposed WalSheens project, being developed by former actor and current interview star Charlie Sheen, in a 6-1 vote.
In an attempt to help boost the town's struggling economy, WalSheens was inexplicably approved by City Council. Steamboaters soon will have 24-hour access to drive-thru pharmaceuticals, stocking stuffers and pornography.
Citing the need to do anything businesses or rich people want and a general disdain for the public's ability to understand issues that affect them, the WalSheens Pharmacy/Porn Emporium was approved by city council for construction on the corner of Third and Lincoln, on the former gas station site next to Rabbit Ears Motel.
In supporting the controversial store, approving members cited how much money a 24-hour drug and pornography business could bring in tax revenues as well as how gosh darn hard Sheen worked to fight through what several council members called a "B.S. planning system set up by communists."
"There's way too many governmental rules and regulations that prohibit business in Steamboat...
Add a commentRead more: City Council Approves WalSheens; Pharmacy/Porn Emporium to Open on Lincoln
The Pirate Uncovers Straight Talker Mad Libs
Written by Dusty Powder Monday, 02 May 2011
In a case of incredible journalistic investigation, The Pirate has revealed the true source of material for the daily Straight Talker Snow Reports from the Steamboat Ski Resort: Mad Libs.
The inspiration behind the daily snow reports was revealed when The Pirate reporters found this tablet of Straight Talker Mad Libs. The tablet consisted of a unique Mad Lib for each day of the ski season, with categories such as "Power Day," "Bluebird" and "Couple Inches." (Click on image to see larger version.)
The Pirate spied outgoing Straight Talk pioneer, Miley Cyrumbus, filling out a Straight Talker report on a recent morning in March at her Intracourse office in Gondola Square. Cyrumbus was wearing street clothes and didn't appear to have skied at all that morning. She left a pad of Straight Talker Mad Libs on a public coffee table, along with a printout of "Words for Awesome" that apparently was used to in conjunction with the Mad Libs to create her daily report.
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- Medical Marijuana Dispensary Set to Open Pediatrics Wing
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