Steamboat Springs

Vote No on 2B, Get These Damn Kooks Out of My Town!

Written by Kerr Mudgeon Thursday, 03 November 2011

Dear Steamboat Sheep,

Are you people serious? You want to keep paying the goddamn greedy airline corporations a bunch of our hard-earned money so they can fly an extra plane or two, or pay for their empty seats that they couldn't fill, just so those millionaire CEOs and stockholders don't have to take any risk whatsoever in their investments?

I've got a better idea! Why don't we just mail checks directly to those airline fat cats' home addresses? Each CEO gets $100,000, courtesy of Steamboat Springs taxpayers! Now that's a brilliant goddamn idea!

And what's so damn important about flying all these tourists in here, anyway? I remember when I first started coming to Steamboat Springs, back in the winter of 1923, we had to WALK over Buffalo Pass to get here. We couldn't afford to ride the Iron Horse, so we snowshoed 130 miles from Denver just to experience Steamboat's Champagne Powder, except we just called it "snow" back then, as none of us knew what champagne was, and powder was for girls' faces.

Then I tied Aspen saplings to my feet, hiked with them up Storm Mountain, as it was called back then due to the fact that the Werners weren't that big a deal yet, and it was goddamn storming all the time, which I could always predict due to a bout of gout that would always erupt whenever a big storm was about to hit. Where was I? Dammit.

Oh, yes! Paying the airlines, hah! Silliest goddamn idea I ever heard of. What's next, paying farmers not...

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Vote Yes on 2B, Let's Pay for those Planes!

Written by Claire Borne Thursday, 03 November 2011

Dear Steamboat Residents,
It's crucial that we pass Referendum 2B and pay the airlines to fly into Steamboat's Hayden Airport. We need every single tourist we can possibly get, and if we have to pay for them to get here, then that's what we have to do.

I'm a small business owner, running a store on Lincoln that relies on outside visitors called Tourist Crap No Local Would Ever Buy. Without the gapers coming through town during the winter, I'd be forced to collect unemployment or find a job working for someone else or move to someplace awful, like Broomfield. And we can't let that happen!

In fact, I think we need to go several steps further to increase our tourism. I suggest we skip the "middle man" and just pay for the tourists' plane tickets altogether. Think of how many more people would visit if their plane tickets were paid for by the citizens of Steamboat Springs? I'm not sure, but I bet it would be a lot. And they'd all have an extra $500, at least, to spend on local businesses like mine. Everybody wins!

I also think we need to be more proactive and forward-thinking with our travel program. Planes were the preferred travel method of the second half of the 20th Century, but, like the railroad before it, it will be replaced by something better, and we should stay ahead of that curve.

That's why I also suggest we set aside $3.2 billion from our city's budget to work on a mass teleportation device. I'm picturing something like...

Read more: Vote Yes on 2B, Let's Pay for those Planes!