Sheriff Declares Amendment 64 to State Constitution 'Unconstitutional and Unenforceable,' Refuses to Do Nothing about Marijuana Use

Written by Kandy Kush Monday, 27 May 2013

Routt County Sheriff Starett Bigguns recently joined a larger group of Colorado Sheriffs who decided that Amendment 64, which legalized marijuana in small amounts, is "unenforceable" as the law is now written, so they play on ignoring the new legislation completely.During an interview at Chief Theater, Routt County Sheriff Starett Bigguns (mustachio) refused to not arrest admitted pot-smoker Petal Blossom for marijuana possession, ignoring Amendment 64 due to its "unconstitutionality, federal illegalness and general hippy-dippy nature."During an interview at Chief Theater, Routt County Sheriff Starett Bigguns (mustachio) refused to not arrest admitted pot-smoker Petal Blossom for marijuana possession, ignoring Amendment 64 due to its "unconstitutionality, federal illegalness and general hippy-dippy nature."

"My crack legal mind has decipherized that Amendment 64, due to marijuana's federal illegalness and the general hippy nature of it, is 100 percent ... unenforceable," said Bigguns. "I don't need any law degree or judgeship or any form of legal standing whatsoever to tell me that. I can see with my own two eyes that Amendment 64 is just hippy-dippy nonsense, so our Sheriff Department will be ignoring it--like it never existed."

Sheriff Bigguns instructed his staff to stop enforcing Amendment 64, which required them to do nothing about marijuana possession and use. Although normally quite fine with doing nothing while on duty, Sheriff Bigguns couldn't stomach the idea of not arresting people for pulling bong tubes in the comfort of their homes.

"I can only do nothing on the job when it doesn't...

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Republicans Unveil New Benghazi Attack Line: Call It Ben-Gay-Zee

Written by Dawn Chagetit Sunday, 19 May 2013

After pounding away at President Barack Obama and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton for months about the "scandal" concerning the Benghazi terrorist attack and finding little traction among the media, short-attention-span voters or anyone else for that matter, Republicans believe they have a new attack line that should score them points with their anti-tolerance, homophobic base that has no idea where Benghazi even is.Adding a hilarious new prop to their continued attacks against Democrats, Republicans began passing out specially created tubes of pain-relief cream they cleverly named Ben-gay-zee. Get it? Ben-GAY-zee ... Ha!Adding a hilarious new prop to their continued attacks against Democrats, Republicans began passing out specially created tubes of pain-relief cream they cleverly named Ben-gay-zee. Get it? Ben-GAY-zee ... Ha!

"It's a simple, yet awesome, way to make Democrats say things like 'shut up' while Republicans giggle and take the upper hand in the argument," noted Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner. "We simply make a possibly intentional, possibly not, mispronunciation of the word 'Benghazi.' We call it Ben-gay-zee. Get it? Because it's so gay! And we all know that calling something or someone gay is super funny, especially if it's close to the real name. I mean, who doesn't snicker every time someone asks for that muscle cream, Bengay? Hah, did you hear that? Bengay! Ben-gay-zee! Awesome!"

The strategy worked to perfection the first time it was tried out on an unsuspecting Obama. Fox News reporter Major Hackett asked...

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Cinco de Mayo Declared Off Limits to White People Unless They Wear 'Kiss Me I'm Mexican' T-Shirt

Written by Juan Anothercerveza Tuesday, 07 May 2013

After witnessing yet another Cinco de Mayo celebration with endless amounts of 100-percent Caucasian young people get "shit-canned" drunk during this Mexican holiday of independence, the respective leaders of Mexico and Ireland announced a bilateral treaty declaring that any white person partaking in the annual festivities must, at a minimum, wear an enormous sombrero or a "Kiss Me I'm Mexican" t-shirt.Under a new Irish/Mexican treaty, white Cinco de Mayo partygoers must demonstrate a tiny bit of cultural effort to partake in the day's binge drinking, beyond just slurring "ya ya ya, arriba, arriba!!!"Under a new Irish/Mexican treaty, white Cinco de Mayo partygoers must demonstrate a tiny bit of cultural effort to partake in the day's binge drinking, beyond just slurring "ya ya ya, arriba, arriba!!!"

"It's just not respectful or fair to the good people of Mexico that drunken fratboys and skanky lushes use our beloved Day of Independence as an excuse to get hammered off their ass," said Enrique Peña Nieto, the current President of Mexico. "We have enough shit to deal with down here, and taking the blame for the drunken antics of white 20-somethings just isn't something we need any more. We realize we can't stop these kids from plowing through Coronas and tequila shots, but we can at least have some standards and requirements that make these gringos reflect, between vomiting sessions, on what it might be like to be Mexican and why this is an important holiday."

The unusual partnership with Ireland came about because the "Emerald...

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Read more: Cinco de Mayo Declared Off Limits to White People Unless They Wear 'Kiss Me I'm Mexican' T-Shirt

 

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Let's face it: Where you live is pretty ridiculous. Your local politicians are buffoons. Your local celebrities take themselves way too seriously. The general population, including yourself, is either completely crazy or almost there.

This is equally true whether you live in Hollywood, Miami or Sheboygan. It's just a matter of scale. But what can you do about it?

Satire. If you can't beat 'em, make fun of 'em, and you just might beat 'em that way ...

In its many forms, satire has proven to be a great equalizer. Jon Stewart is one of the most influential people in America. If not for Tina Fey, Sarah Palin might be Vice President of the United States. When people realize that something is ridiculous, it loses its power.

This is where The Pirate comes in. There are many great outlets that satirize the "big issues" (and we do that, too). But we've also perfected the art of Local Satire. As you can see from our successful model in Steamboat Springs, Colorado, no town is too small to be skewered.

You don't know those people or what their issues are, but the people in Steamboat do, and they think it's hilarious. And you can do the same in your area, whether a city, town, school, company or whatever. That's Local Satire, and you'll be surprised at how effective it can be.

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