Romney Promises to No Longer Remove Hair/Dignity of those Not as Awesome as Himself

Written by Harry Eye Thursday, 17 May 2012

Hoping to let voters know that he's no longer the same person he was when he was 18 years old and held a fellow prepschooler down on the ground while he cut his "girly" hair, presumptive GOP candidate for president Mitt Romney swore that he would never again forcibly trim another human being's hair and/or completely strip him of his dignity and self-worth.In a sign of solidarity with the boy Mitt Romney allegedly pinned down and cut his hair, the presumptive presidential candidate has matched the youth's "offending hairstyle," dying it blond and letting it hang down over one eye. "Do I really have to do this?" Romney was heard asking an adviser. "I feel like a total fag."

"This is a really big announcement," said CNN newscaster Wolfing Blitzen. "No other presidential candidate in history has officially declared that he would never, ever again intimidate and physically assault one of his inferiors. Truly a groundbreaking moment for Mitt Romney and the Republican Party. Barack Obama is going to have to really think long and hard to see if he can match such a commitment."

But before Blitzen could finish his statement, Libby Mouthpiece, an Obama spokesperson, confirmed that Obama could make the same statement.

"Ummm ... if you're wondering if Obama can commit to not pinning someone down and defacing him, while...

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American Girl Now Selling Real Girls to Match their Dolls

Written by Barbie Woodcry Tuesday, 17 April 2012

Building off the astonishingly successful selling of matching outfits for American Girl dolls and the young girls who own them, the seller of equally astonishingly high-priced dolls has announced a new product: girls who match successful doll models.

"It's just a natural eFor only $200,000, tasteful and refined would-be parents can adopt a real girl to match their American Girl dolls. The children come with matching outfits, pre-programmed manors, an adorable accent of parents' choice and a permanent desire to have whatever they want at all times, regardless of cost or need.xtension of our product line," says Marie Grace, senior marketing executive for the new Real Girl line of real girls. "Parents who can afford our dolls absolutely adored seeing their children in matching outfits with their playthings. It was unfair to exclude that kind of parent-imposed joy from those who don't have real children of their own. So if you're an upper-middle-class control freak, and want a child to match one of our dolls, we can supply that product to you."

The initial product launch is expected to include best-selling dolls such as McKenna in her tennis outfit, Ruthie in the always-adorable pink-and-black plaid outfit (with matching tea set), Julie in the popular non-edgy skateboarding outfit and Emily in a purple-flower sun dress. The dolls in this line...

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