NFL Owners Locking Out 'Greedy' Concession Workers who Demanded Reinstatement of Annual Holiday Party
Written by Joe Powerless Thursday, 20 September 2012
Citing the lack of controversy and ease with which they locked out their referees who asked for their retirement pension to remain active, NFL owners moved yesterday to lockout their entire workforce of concession workers who, according to one owner, "were getting greedy, too."
Among the soda and beer pourers demands was a reinstatement of a group holiday party in December, hosted by each owner and team. Owners are insisting that the once-common practice be dropped to save them five to 10 thousand dollars annually, depending on whether the party was "open bar" or not.
"Holiday parties, like pension plans, are a relic of the past," said NFL owner mouthpiece and league commissioner Roger Greedwell. "Who does that anymore?"
Greedwell admitted that NFL owners are making bajillions of dollars from their teams, but countered that because many sectors of the modern economy are suffering and demanding cutbacks from existing employees, the NFL owners should do the same on principle.
"Our owners need to stand united with the other owners of the world," continued Greedwell. "If other owners are reducing paychecks, cutting healthcare benefits and taking away things like pensions and holiday parties, then we need to...Add a comment
Written by Connie Taminated Tuesday, 04 September 2012
Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney stuck to his stump speech when his "Believe in America" bus tour made a second stop in Craig yesterday.
"Since I have been here last, I still have not developed any constructive policies for America," said Romney. "However, my promise, for the second time, to the people of Craig America, is that I will repeal Obamacare on day one."
Despite the Supreme Court ruling led by Justice John Roberts, Romney went on to say, "Obamacare is just bad law. You can never trust the opinion of someone who went to Harvard."
Although this brought a rousing cheer from his supporters, it was nothing like the response his next announcement garnered. After some folksy patter with the crowd to establish credibility as just another blue-collar denizen of the rural Western Slope, Romney moved past the "local flattery" portion of his visit and added an addendum not previously heard on the tour.
"Although I am on board with the GOP effort to stamp out Socialism, especially when it comes in Obama's African-"American" package, I pledge to provide...Add a comment
Written by Ally Grownsup Monday, 13 August 2012
After living in its mother's basement in Steamboat Springs for more than a decade, Pirate Theatre is finally "leaving the nest" and taking its show on the road. The troupe's latest multimedia musical comedy, "Powder Haze: A Day in the Life at a Ski Town," will be performing at the Boulder International Fringe Festival from Aug. 23-25, 2012, in the legendary People's Republic of Boulder, Colo.
However, the group needed to take some baby steps before leaving its beloved home, so it scheduled a one-time performance in Steamboat Springs on Saturday, August 18, at 8 p.m. But in order to get their coddled and insecure prima donna performers out of their comfort zones, the show will be held, for the first time ever, at the outdoor stage in Gondola Square (buy tix here or at All That Jazz in Steamboat).
"It's about damn time those kids got out of my basement and tried to do something with their lives," said Gaia Pirate, the mother whose basement was a comfortable haven to Pirate Theatre for so many years. "Most of them are grown men and women, yet the idea of doing something outside of Steamboat had them pissing in their knickers."
Brian Harvey, head of Pirate Theatre and lead knicker pisser...Add a comment
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